D day, time to confront my parents

[vicousg42]

all things are pointing to it, everyone of every different kind of character is telling me to do it("finally!"). its time for me to open up comm lines with the people i hate the most. anybody got some advice? ive read a lot of similar threads, but none of it ever really feels like it prepares me for this action.

also, oops, conFront, not contront. how do i cahnge the title?

[Not-B-Angry]

Vicious..I have advice...PM me if you want to talk to me...I think it might be too personal to put up on a discussion board.:)

[peterpink]

I would recommend a written statement the clearly expresses your feelings. A written statement acts like another supporting person. It cannot be so easily dismissed. Take your time to write it - like over several weeks. No need to blame your parents. Just write about what you have lost in clinical terms and how you feel about losing a valuable body part. This might avoid arguments. The best you can hope for is that your parents will be empathetic, show compassion and accept your feelings and apologize. This rarely happens in the first discussion. However, you should expect there will be denial and excuses and a refusal to acknowledge your feelings. It is probably best to give your parents a statement, then give them a few days to think about it before raising the issue a second time. Best wishes.

[Not-B-Angry]

Nicely expressed Peter! Excellent, sage advice! Your wisdom is glowing!:D

[mark85]

I'm just going to reiterate that should definitely try to stay away from an argument, it just rarely ends up in anything fruitful.

[kevin1992]

Why you actually wanna confront your parents with it?

[peterpink]

Nicely expressed Peter! Excellent, sage advice! Your wisdom is glowing!:D

Thanks. Sometimes I feel I am repeating myself. I have never had to confront both parents at once. My father had nothing to do with the decision because father were excluded from the birthing process in those days. When I did ask him he was open to my feelings and not at all dismissive. He was intact I believe. As I have written elsewhere, I think my mother would have been devastated if she knew how badly I was affected. She died before I could discuss it with her. She suffered quite badly from depression, so it may have pushed her over the edge. My advice is based on what others have written. This is why it is so important to let others know about our experiences. Possibly there needs to be a site with advice about confronting/talking with parents.

[vicousg42]

yeah, you guys make a few good points. humans always feel like its an argument if you confront them with accusations, despite the truth(which is subjective), the best way to do this would just tell them my story without throwing in "i hate you" or "you did this to me". do i just say "this happened to me"? or is that finger pointing too? is there a way to do this without finger pointing? or, is that really the ultimate point of it?

[Not-B-Angry]

Vicous...I haven't had time to respond more fully to your PM. I hope my brief response was helpful...but to answer (from my perspective) your recent question...the way to avoid "finger pointing" is to say "I FEEL...." Your feelings cannot be argued and you have every right to say what you feel. Only YOU know what you are feeling. If they come back questioning, or minimizing your feelings...You can simply say..."You don't get to argue what I am feeling. I KNOW what I am feeling." and then continue. "These are MY feelings that I'm sharing with you...they are not open to argument" is another way to say this...

Even "what happened to me" is somewhat subjective...because they will interpret that "happening" through their own lenses, and adjust it to fit their frame of reference. What I call "mutilation" is what many call "a hygenic practice." Two different frames.

Keeping it framed as feeling reduces their ability to argue.
I hope this helps.

[w.o.f.]

Peter's and NBA's advice is absolutely invaluable, spot-on. The stance of accusation isn't conducive to anything. In fact, it's merely the counterpoint to (many) parents' denial. How could anyone expect their parents to move away from that denial when you're accusing them? Accusing them literally pushes them into denial and refusal. Conversely of course, parental denial also pushes us into an accusatory mindset. Our parents, especially the more smallminded ones, cannot and never will make that first step. The best course of action is to be the bigger man, and give the whole thing a chance. Then it's up to your parents to pick up the ball and follow your example.

Btw, nothing speaks against neutrally addressing your emotional impulse to accuse and blame your parents. In fact, in hindsight, that's what I should have done. Describe your feelings, and if the impulse to accuse your parents is among your feelings, don't give in to it by accusing your parents, but why not explain your struggle (and success!) to not do so. If that is part of your emotional truth, your parents should hear it.

[peterpink]

Describe your feelings, and if the impulse to accuse your parents is among your feelings, don't give in to it by accusing your parents, but why not explain your struggle (and success!) to not do so. If that is part of your emotional truth, your parents should hear it.

I have not come across this excellent idea before, i.e. explaining how you are struggling to avoid blaming your parents. Again this focuses on your feelings rather than blaming your parents.