cedicst
June 30th, 2010, 09:01
Hello Everyone,
I’ve been lurking here for a few months, and I’ve posted a few times, but I thought it would be best to take a moment and introduce myself. I used to be a fairly active member on the FRC Chat, but I see that page has ceased to exist for whatever reason.
I’m 24, and by the look of my progress, you would guess I’m just starting out at restoration, although I’m not really, at all. I’ve known about restoration for years, and I’ve been trying to restore, intermittently, since I was 17, but, until recently, I’ve had several roadblocks in my way preventing my restoration efforts.
Growing up in Middle America (Indiana), I never knew about circumcision at all until I was about twelve. Not that I wasn’t circ’d, of course I was, but everyone I saw looked the same as me, so I never gave it a second thought. However, when I discovered porn, of course, everything changed. I’m gay, and I soon realized that many of those guys had something I was, clearly, missing.
Yet, having never seen it in person, and being twelve, I couldn’t understand exactly what that was, so I was confused more than anything. That changed as soon as I started dating. Looking back, for growing up in Indiana, I somehow ended up dating (oddly enough) intact guys. At 17, once I fully started processing what had been done to me, I decided quite quickly that I had to do something about it, so I started attempting manual stretching, but I never got far with it, despite my efforts. At the time, being young and broke it was all I could afford.
Around age 20, after trying stretching on and off and getting no where fast, I decided to buy the DTR and the TLC Tugger. When deciding to do so, I approached my (intact) boyfriend at the time about it, thinking that having his understanding would certainly make things easier.
It certainly would have been, but, well, he wasn’t supportive… at all.
He told me to stop being ridiculous and stupid; he told me that I needed to accept being circumcised, and nothing I ever did would reverse it, and if anything, growing more skin would just make my penis look even worse than it already did, after all, it could only ever be an imitation, it could never be the real thing. So for a time, feeling beaten down, and pretty darn hopeless, I gave up. I still ordered the devices, but I told no one, and kept them safely tucked away from him (I did eventually tell my mother how I felt about everyone, and she and I have since discussed it at some length).
Despite the fact that because of my circumcision I’d never enjoyed oral sex, and certainly never orgasmed during it, or ever been able to climax during sex itself, I just tried to bottle it all up and accept my lot.
While I was hurt and, frankly, humiliated by his words, I tried to abide by his wishes and accept my state. However, a few months later, I simply couldn’t. For the next year or so, I would sneak the DTR and the TLC Tugger in my backpack to university, go into the bathroom when I arrived, apply one device or the other, and go about my courses along with my job at the library with a device under my clothing, no one the wiser.
Of course, doing it this way, I could only use the devices for an hour or two at a time, only during classes or work. Between classes he and I would usually meet up, and he always had a bad habit of randomly trying to feel me up, so I was always scared to wear any type of device when not in class or work, and of course, while I did make some progress (I’m a definite CI-3 now) my progress was hampered by keeping it all a secret.
I eventually lived with keeping it all a secret for almost two years, tugging with the devices when I could, tucking them into my backpack before heading home from work every day (he and I at this point lived together – making everything that much more difficult to conceal). However, one day, he decided to surprise me on campus and come home with me from work (I worked at the university library) so I didn’t have time to run to the bathroom and take off the device (the Tugger that evening) and, of course, as soon as we got in the car, he felt it down there, with the strap going around my waist.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so angry in my entire life, he proceeded to yell and scream at me for the next few hours, took the Tugger, and the DTR, (after dumping my backpack out on the floor to see if I wasn’t “hiding” anything else), and I never saw either device again; I suspect he took them and burnt them, I honestly don’t know. I searched our small apartment to see where he might have hidden them, but, unfortunately, I never found them.
This caused another “break” in my restoration (obviously) until I left him a few months later (A few years overdue if you ask me!) Over the next year, I would use T-Tape intermittently, but for the longest time I never committed myself to restoration again, I think his cruelty haunted me, and made me fear that I wouldn’t be able to restore anyway, so I never gave it my all. Because of him, restoration is still tied up with a great deal of anger and shame. (All, I must add, directed at him, not my parents for their initial actions – they were doing what they thought best at the time, and I understand that.)
However, in the middle of last year, I (finally) graduated university. Moving away from Indiana, I relocated to the UK for graduate school. Since arriving here in England in late September 2009, I decided to take up restoring again and (despite living off student loans while, unsuccessfully, looking for a part time position) purchased the DTR - again. I plan to purchase the TLC Tugger – again - as well, once I have a position and can afford it. I’ve always found that swapping between methods seems to promote more growth, but for now I’ll simply do what I can.
Thankfully, since moving here, I’ve been free to pursue my efforts in earnest, and I have met a great guy, putting my painful past behind me.
Being in the UK where nearly everyone is intact, it’s become even more important to me to restore, to (in part) not feel out of place with my intact partner. I raised the issue of circumcision and restoration with him once we’d been together for a few weeks. While he knew my circumcision was a touchy subject for me, he didn’t know how deeply I felt about it. Once I told him how I felt about it, and how I wanted to restore, he sat thinking about it for a moment and said, “Well, I like you just the way you are, but as long as you don’t hurt yourself, I’m there for you.” Over half a year later, he’s still there for me, and while we don’t talk about it often, we do talk about it, and he continues to be quietly supportive.
So, that’s me. I’m here to get, and give advice, encouragement, and support as much as I can to everyone else attempting to reclaim what I see as nothing less than a birthright.
Good luck to everyone!
Austin
I’ve been lurking here for a few months, and I’ve posted a few times, but I thought it would be best to take a moment and introduce myself. I used to be a fairly active member on the FRC Chat, but I see that page has ceased to exist for whatever reason.
I’m 24, and by the look of my progress, you would guess I’m just starting out at restoration, although I’m not really, at all. I’ve known about restoration for years, and I’ve been trying to restore, intermittently, since I was 17, but, until recently, I’ve had several roadblocks in my way preventing my restoration efforts.
Growing up in Middle America (Indiana), I never knew about circumcision at all until I was about twelve. Not that I wasn’t circ’d, of course I was, but everyone I saw looked the same as me, so I never gave it a second thought. However, when I discovered porn, of course, everything changed. I’m gay, and I soon realized that many of those guys had something I was, clearly, missing.
Yet, having never seen it in person, and being twelve, I couldn’t understand exactly what that was, so I was confused more than anything. That changed as soon as I started dating. Looking back, for growing up in Indiana, I somehow ended up dating (oddly enough) intact guys. At 17, once I fully started processing what had been done to me, I decided quite quickly that I had to do something about it, so I started attempting manual stretching, but I never got far with it, despite my efforts. At the time, being young and broke it was all I could afford.
Around age 20, after trying stretching on and off and getting no where fast, I decided to buy the DTR and the TLC Tugger. When deciding to do so, I approached my (intact) boyfriend at the time about it, thinking that having his understanding would certainly make things easier.
It certainly would have been, but, well, he wasn’t supportive… at all.
He told me to stop being ridiculous and stupid; he told me that I needed to accept being circumcised, and nothing I ever did would reverse it, and if anything, growing more skin would just make my penis look even worse than it already did, after all, it could only ever be an imitation, it could never be the real thing. So for a time, feeling beaten down, and pretty darn hopeless, I gave up. I still ordered the devices, but I told no one, and kept them safely tucked away from him (I did eventually tell my mother how I felt about everyone, and she and I have since discussed it at some length).
Despite the fact that because of my circumcision I’d never enjoyed oral sex, and certainly never orgasmed during it, or ever been able to climax during sex itself, I just tried to bottle it all up and accept my lot.
While I was hurt and, frankly, humiliated by his words, I tried to abide by his wishes and accept my state. However, a few months later, I simply couldn’t. For the next year or so, I would sneak the DTR and the TLC Tugger in my backpack to university, go into the bathroom when I arrived, apply one device or the other, and go about my courses along with my job at the library with a device under my clothing, no one the wiser.
Of course, doing it this way, I could only use the devices for an hour or two at a time, only during classes or work. Between classes he and I would usually meet up, and he always had a bad habit of randomly trying to feel me up, so I was always scared to wear any type of device when not in class or work, and of course, while I did make some progress (I’m a definite CI-3 now) my progress was hampered by keeping it all a secret.
I eventually lived with keeping it all a secret for almost two years, tugging with the devices when I could, tucking them into my backpack before heading home from work every day (he and I at this point lived together – making everything that much more difficult to conceal). However, one day, he decided to surprise me on campus and come home with me from work (I worked at the university library) so I didn’t have time to run to the bathroom and take off the device (the Tugger that evening) and, of course, as soon as we got in the car, he felt it down there, with the strap going around my waist.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so angry in my entire life, he proceeded to yell and scream at me for the next few hours, took the Tugger, and the DTR, (after dumping my backpack out on the floor to see if I wasn’t “hiding” anything else), and I never saw either device again; I suspect he took them and burnt them, I honestly don’t know. I searched our small apartment to see where he might have hidden them, but, unfortunately, I never found them.
This caused another “break” in my restoration (obviously) until I left him a few months later (A few years overdue if you ask me!) Over the next year, I would use T-Tape intermittently, but for the longest time I never committed myself to restoration again, I think his cruelty haunted me, and made me fear that I wouldn’t be able to restore anyway, so I never gave it my all. Because of him, restoration is still tied up with a great deal of anger and shame. (All, I must add, directed at him, not my parents for their initial actions – they were doing what they thought best at the time, and I understand that.)
However, in the middle of last year, I (finally) graduated university. Moving away from Indiana, I relocated to the UK for graduate school. Since arriving here in England in late September 2009, I decided to take up restoring again and (despite living off student loans while, unsuccessfully, looking for a part time position) purchased the DTR - again. I plan to purchase the TLC Tugger – again - as well, once I have a position and can afford it. I’ve always found that swapping between methods seems to promote more growth, but for now I’ll simply do what I can.
Thankfully, since moving here, I’ve been free to pursue my efforts in earnest, and I have met a great guy, putting my painful past behind me.
Being in the UK where nearly everyone is intact, it’s become even more important to me to restore, to (in part) not feel out of place with my intact partner. I raised the issue of circumcision and restoration with him once we’d been together for a few weeks. While he knew my circumcision was a touchy subject for me, he didn’t know how deeply I felt about it. Once I told him how I felt about it, and how I wanted to restore, he sat thinking about it for a moment and said, “Well, I like you just the way you are, but as long as you don’t hurt yourself, I’m there for you.” Over half a year later, he’s still there for me, and while we don’t talk about it often, we do talk about it, and he continues to be quietly supportive.
So, that’s me. I’m here to get, and give advice, encouragement, and support as much as I can to everyone else attempting to reclaim what I see as nothing less than a birthright.
Good luck to everyone!
Austin