View Full Version : Sort of lurking, could use some support/info/perspective
August 1st, 2010, 19:12
Hi, I'm going to keep this short because my husband doesn't know I am looking into this again. We both came across restoring 3 years ago when we were researching and decided not to circumcise our sons.
My husband is circumcised, our sons are not. My husband and I have only had sex with each other so I have never experienced anything different.
We have an amazing sex life but at the same time, I thought it was normal to get very sore , have some discomfort from chafing sometimes and pretty much never have enough lubrication to last for the full time we are having intercourse. At least until I did a lot of circumcision research. I admit that I wouldn't mind those things going away, but it really wouldn't ruin our sex life if they didn't.
More than that I feel personally wounded on behalf of my husband and I wish he was whole, for himself. I wonder what he is missing and I suspect he feels less during intercourse than I do and that just intercourse is often not enough sensation for him. I worry sometimes that he may prefer masturbating.
So I wish he wanted to restore for both of us I guess. when he found out about it before he thought it was cool and then said he was fine with things the way they are. I keep thinking about it though and wanting to discuss it again but I don't want him to be hurt or think that I am dissatisfied.
It seems like restoring is a lot of work and may be very stressful and draining? And what if he was unhappy with the results?
Any comments are welcome. Thankyou.
August 1st, 2010, 20:18
Hello and welcome
I have no personal experience on the subject of getting a man to restore, but its important to understand that the idea of being mutilated in one of the most impoetant parts of one's body is psychologically painful, especially for a man as it can make him feel inadequate and emasculated. Despite agreeing not to circumcise your sons, I'm not sure he has grappled with the significance of his own circuncision. Really the best thing you can do for your husband is to be supportive. You can suggest that he reconsider restoration but be careful as he may feel that you are pushing him to do it. Granted, no one knows your husband as well as you do, but I think you should tell him exactly what you shared with us. Either way, stay in touch and keep us updated.
August 1st, 2010, 22:48
I think you are right that I need to mention it because I am thinking about it and also that I must be very careful. He would do anything for me if he thought it was important to me. But I wouldn't want him to do it forme unless he also wanted to do it for himself. I will keep you posted on what happens.
August 2nd, 2010, 01:39
Seems simple to me. Tell him it's HIS choice whether to restore, and YOUR choice whether to sleep with him.
There's absolutely NO soreness for my wife since I restored, and we bang A LOT.
August 2nd, 2010, 09:37
My advice is to tell him straight up that he should look at restoring.
But if you do, DON'T talk about the sex part, how it makes you sore and dry, as
this would put too much pressure on him to restore and it would seem he has to
restore because of you and he may feel unnecessarily guilty, or depressed.
You can mention it later(a year or so) as encouragement like; I used to get
a little bit sore but now with the extra skin its much better. This turns a
negative into a positive.
To encourage him to start you could talk about how much more sensitive he
will become after restoring and how he might start to enjoy sex more.
You can say something like you could restore to look like your sons, it that is
of any concern to him.
A lot of women on this form have helped their partners by using manual
stretching techniques during foreplay.
In anyway good luck.
August 2nd, 2010, 12:15
Momtointact, you are not the only one. I am circumcised, and wife and girlfriends all said the same thing: that during intercourse with me, they got dry and sore. They were all like, could you please hurry up? I'm getting sore. And I always thought I wasn't getting everything out of it that I should have. Most of the time, I got more pleasure from masturbation, not that that was very good either (I remember how masturbation was before I was circumcised, and it was pretty good). The only thing I had going for me in these relationships was that they had only slept with circumcised guys, so they didn't know any better.
A couple of months ago I learned of a situation where a young gal was going out with two guys. One of them was handsome, charming, and a student at an Ivy League college. The other was average looks, not much personality, and working a blue collar job. The college kid was circumcised and the other kid wasn't. Guess which boy she chose? She chose the uncircumcised kid, because she said she was able to have much better sex with him.
The bottom line is, when you've been circumcised, your foreskin has been amputated, and you're now working with a mutilated, abnormal and dysfunctional penis that can only experience a fraction of the sexual pleasure. You're a victim of a cruel hoax, circumcision. You're going to get girls dry and sore and limit their pleasure too. How does this help a relationship?
One of the reasons that most guys restore their foreskin is so that they can experience natural sex with their wife or girlfriend. They get sick of using lube or the constant complaints about getting sore. They face up to the fact that they were cheated in life, and do something about it. Of the guys that have restored, not a single one has said it wasn't worth it.
August 2nd, 2010, 14:17
Yes. Before I started restoring, I looked online as best I could for anyone who regretted restoring and found absolutely no one. There were a few pro-circ people who just threw fear and nastiness at the process, but no one who's actually done it seems to have evidenced any regrets.
There do seem to be many men who are afraid to start, either because they fear more disappointment or they don't believe they can keep with it long enough to get results. My experience was that after three weeks of consistent restoring with a dual-tension device, I noticed a huge increase in 'mobility'. Meaning that the shaft skin was clearly more loose, and MUCH more comfortable than ever before. It wouldn't look any different in a photo but the feeling was an enormous release, and permanent. SO my point is that there are rewards all along the way.
August 2nd, 2010, 18:03
it's HIS choice whether to restore, and YOUR choice whether to sleep with him.
Of course the other edge of that same sword is to explain how much more you would look forward to doing him orally if he was more responsive.
August 3rd, 2010, 04:17
Thank you all so much for your replies. We talked about it and I think for now he doesn't want to change anything. He doesn't feel like their is a problem so he sees no reason to change anything. He has never known anything different. I do feel like I was able to give him a little more info about restoring and the benefits and he will be thinking about them or at least be able to. So if he notices something missing or more starts to wonder what he could have then maybe he will reconsider it. We do have a very good sex life though so in the meantime he is right that it isn't a problem. I was also able to express my anger and sadness over what was done to him and also to reassure him that I dont feel we have a problem. He admitted to worrying about that because I feel so passionate about intactivism.
But let me add, I despise circumcision! It isn't fair. It isn't right to take away something that you cant get back(not entirely) No man should have to put the amount of effort that restoring takes into having what they were supposed to have in the first place. I wish I could just fix it for him in the blink of an eye so that he wouldn't have to think or worry or struggle. Alas, life just isn't fair I hope someday he wants to try restoring.
August 4th, 2010, 22:57
Studies have shown that women get sore with a circumcised man, and that sex is much better with an intact man. http://www.cirp.org/library/sex_function/bensley1/
Restoration really improves sex for the man and the woman!
Buy him a MySkinCone from TLCTugger.com for $8. After 2-4 weeks the head of his penis will change from gray to pink, moist and sensitive, and he will be on board for restoration! It gets way better after that. I recommend the TLC-X. In only 9 months sex is much better as his skin will glide over itself and you won't get sore.
August 5th, 2010, 17:04
While I am not trying to get you to pressure him to restore, I do want to say one thing.
I thought sex was perfect and couldn't get any better. I doubted that restoring would do much, all those reports sounded like highly biased observers.
I was in my late 40s when I started restoring. I just figured my arm was getting tired and it took longer as normal aging.
But after restoring for a while...wow! Everything started getting easy again, like I was back in my 20s. But it wasn't just easy again, it was soo much better. There were new feelings. It was no longer an act of staying focused and getting to climax directly. Instead, it was lets play around at this stage of arousal for a while, too much fun to move on yet. And whole body orgasms! And so much better for her.
Again, not to trying to get you to pressure him, but just realize he has no idea what he is missing, simply because he has never felt it. sure it is awsome. Sure he has no complaints. Of course nothing seems to be missing. Why should it? He never had it, so how could he miss it?
My mom never had a dishwasher. Didn't want one. What do you need a dishwasher for? But one came with the new house, so she got one depsite her not wanting one. Funny things was, it was not too many years later that she would say, even though she didn't see any need at the time, now she wouldn't be without one, and wondered how she got along without one.
Just be prepared for him being suprised and amazed, if he ever decides to restore...
And feel free to have him pm me if he wants. I am happy to give him my exprience.
August 5th, 2010, 18:18
I've said this in another thread, but I just want to mention it here.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE only encourage him to restore for himself, to enhance his own pleasure or maybe something like "so we have more fun together".
Don't mention any of the things from that "sex as nature intended" website because it will most likely be taken the wrong way. Whether you try to or not you might be telling him that he is biologically incapable of pleasing you because of something that happened to him.
It was crushing enough to find that stuff out on my own, I can't imagine how devastating (and emasculating?) it would be if a partner told me.
It's the ultimate male insecurity, we want to be the best lovers possible and if we're told otherwise it cuts deep.
So... just keep that in mind. Restoration should be a journey of self-improvement, not something you need to do in order to be sexually competent for someone else.
August 6th, 2010, 14:17
I support your efforts and applaud you my wife thinks I am crazy but she accepts what I am doing in my efforts to restore what was taken.
Telling my wife was not easy this sort of thing is embarrasing to say the least and a very private issue no puns intended. I simply told her that I resented what was done to me without so much as a by your leave, and that I wanted to take back control of the situation. i also explained to her that over time my sensitivity in that area had decreased. i thought it was because I was getting older that I no longer desired sex as much. But something just did not ring true with that. By accident I went to www.tlctugger.com and thought what the hell is wrong with this guy stretching his penis on line and trying to sell stuff for others to do the same? Well I was suprised to hear of such a thing and when I read about getting more feeling in my penis it got me thinking. It took me several visits and alot of reading before I comitted to buying my first device.
I have been restoring for over a year now I am in my 40's and I can tell you for a fact it can be a real pain at times but the restoration of sensation keeps geting better and better I mean to say that I now feel things I never have or could have imagined.
Sex is much better for both my wife and myself and more frequent.
I think you have overcome the first major hurdle already now for the next steps, I know if my wife came to me with the idea in the first place I would have thought she was crazy. You however are past that point. If I were in your position I would just tell him I would like for you to do this for us and explain to him it will give him more feeling over time and that you want this as well for the chafing reasons you have expressed. I know if my wife put it to me like that it would really get me thinking, I might not go for it at first but over time if approached with some ideas and tools / devices for how to go about getting started I would give it a try.
My list of devices is as follows for someone who may be reluctant let them work up to tugging if they can use other ways first tugging can really be a burden at times but I think it may work the best.
Packers from Rons site if he has enough slack skin to get started are the least mentaly involved devices they are a gentle low force way to get started many beginners myself included hurt themselves by applying to much force at first these have the lowest learning curve.
CATIIQ bidiretional tugger mixed with DTR device silicone gripper works with very little skin. Be very careful overtensioning is very easy I recomend the grippers made by the DTR inventor Chuck over he one that comes with the CATIIQ it is big and bulky.
The DTR AND TLCX are great also but could be too intimidating at first.
I like the TLC Tugger best of all but again straping up and tugging is a pain at times and may be intemidating.
I would use tape with him as a last resort as tapping is a real pain and takes alot of commitment to deal with.
Depending on your relationship it sounds like you have a pretty open one and a good sexual relationship you might even work with him on manualy restoring that alone will lead to other things.
Remember guys are tool and repair oriented we like to fix things by nature think about it and maybe that approach will work, I know if my wife is sincere and asks me to do something not just for me, or for her but for us I can not say no. Heck if she asks me to do something for her I can not say no but if she asks me to do it for me alone all bets are off I would rather drink a beer and relax than add one more chore to my day;)
August 6th, 2010, 17:57
If all else fails take him to this link and educate him, I found this on these forums. Wow what an education for a guy, hope this helps.
August 7th, 2010, 00:31
Thanks again for the continued help. When we talked about it I was very careful to downplay things about the benefits for women as I dont want him to think I am dissatisfied and I dont want him to do it for me (I'm not dissatisfied) Though I did mention the decreased soreness and lack of a need for lubrication as side benefits. I am pretty positive that he understood how I really feel about the issue and about our sex-life.
Yes, The fact that he cant know what he is missing is something that makes me so very sad and angry about the whole thing, but I cant pressure him. I think I might buy him the skin cone thing. And see if he wants to try it
August 11th, 2010, 21:58
You know what you might do:
Buy him an artificial foreskin: http://www.tlctugger.com/prodSenSlip.htm
to help him think through it. Although I suggest being supportive if he starts crying if he realizes what was removed.
August 17th, 2010, 17:57
Please tell your husband EVERYTHING. Tell him you get sore and are dry during sex sometimes, tell him sometimes sex is not as satifiying. Tell you you love him no matter what he chooses but you would rather him have his foreskin restored. If your husband loves you and if he is like 97% of the rest of the men in this world he loves you just as much and wants to "fix" any problem. Especially one that would mean better more satisfying sex with his beautiful wife. Be open and honest and tell him how you feel. Trust him to take all of that information and process it back in his man cave. After thinking about it for a while I am sure he will emerge with a solution that he will feel comfortable with. Regardless of his choice..you will continue to love and support him. Your husband is the one person whom you can tell any and everything to...it brings you closer as a couple and as lovers.
You have nothing to lose...be honest and forthright.
That is my 1.7 yen.
August 19th, 2010, 00:41
From my perspective, if I was married to a woman and our relationship was such that we could freely express ourselves without fear of hurt feelings because we fully knew that we had each other's best interests at heart, I would find the possibility of giving her the gift of "intact" sex much more motivating than just doing it for me alone.
It seems to me as kind of selfish, if you knew that you "inflicted" your circumcised dick on your wife and caused her pain each time you made love, to dismiss restoring out of hand because things are good enough for you and to hell with everyone else.
Honesty should be one of the pillars of a strong relationship, when I hear about women faking orgasms with their husbands there seems to me that there are some deeper communication issues in the relationship. I don't know much of anything about these things though, it's just a gut feeling I get.
I believe that you do need to give him some time and space to think about this after you've given him the information, because sometimes the male ego needs to feel in control and feel that a decision is it's own idea rather than someone else's, and pressuring him too soon may lead to some anger and withdrawal from the issue. If he doesn't say anything for a while (could be days or many weeks), don't assume that he's completely discarded the idea of restoring.
*thinks that the shade tree psychoanalysis needs to end now:D*
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