How do I talk to my guy

[miro05]

My partner is 50 and over the last 18 months our sex life has gone downhill for a number of reason both relationship and also from my perspective because I can't take the endless pounding anymore. I happened across the idea of restoration when I was trying to figure out why he doesn't come when I perform oral and why intercourse has to be so intense for him. Often he can't come but when he does it is due an almightly effort to get there, of pounding, whole body tensing, grimacing and then it seems the result is only so so. This doesn't look like much fun to me and doesn't feel very intimate. It seems he needs such intense physical and mental stimulation to reach orgasm and if there is a better alternative I would like to investigate it.

Now it all seems to fit with circumcision and now this is having a negative effect on my attitude to sex. I would like to talk to him about it but I don't know how. We have some other problems both mine and his which are already making the relationship tense, he is very defensive if I try and talk about his behaviour, like I am attacking him. But not talking about it and not talking about our sex issues is just making things worse.

I am scared he would be extremely defensive, so I should not bring it up, but not bringing it up seems like death sentence to our relationship which isn;t what I want either. Any advice?

[Terato]

Either talk to him about it, or break up. I would suggest talking it over if you feel the relationship is worth it.

Showing him a circumcision video can be very effective, if he shows some reluctance to enter into a dialog about it with you.

[peterpink]

You could approach it from his side and the fact that he does not seem to find sex enjoyable and it seems to be hard work for him. You could ask if he has less sensation than he used to have and then ask if he considered it was due to the loss of nervous tissue resulting from circumcision. (Loss of sensation can be due to other factors such as spinal nerve damage.) Take it easily and try to listen to what he is saying and reflect back what he says. You want to find out his emotions and how he feels without blaming him or making him feel he is to blame. (Gentle nipple stimulation can be effective in replacing the loss of foreskin nerves.) Keep it low key.

[UKDude]

I think most guys don't even know the negative effects of circumcision - or that restoration is even possible.

So you could try sending him some 'info' from newly registered googlemail email address. Make it look a bit spammy or like a circular... and you never know it might make everything 'click' to him.

He won't go on the defensive because he won't know it's coming from you.

:D

[admin]

My partner is 50 and over the last 18 months our sex life has gone downhill for a number of reason both relationship and also from my perspective because I can't take the endless pounding anymore. I happened across the idea of restoration when I was trying to figure out why he doesn't come when I perform oral and why intercourse has to be so intense for him. Often he can't come but when he does it is due an almightly effort to get there, of pounding, whole body tensing, grimacing and then it seems the result is only so so. This doesn't look like much fun to me and doesn't feel very intimate. It seems he needs such intense physical and mental stimulation to reach orgasm and if there is a better alternative I would like to investigate it.

Now it all seems to fit with circumcision and now this is having a negative effect on my attitude to sex. I would like to talk to him about it but I don't know how. We have some other problems both mine and his which are already making the relationship tense, he is very defensive if I try and talk about his behaviour, like I am attacking him. But not talking about it and not talking about our sex issues is just making things worse.

I am scared he would be extremely defensive, so I should not bring it up, but not bringing it up seems like death sentence to our relationship which isn;t what I want either. Any advice?

I always say surprise him playfully with a Your-Skin Cone, in the same fashion that a guy might give his gal a new vibrating toy for Valentines Day. You can explain that you've heard his glans might get more ticklish if he keeps it covered 24/7 by his skin, and that you are eager to find out what giving him oral pleasure is like when he's more responsive. Note also that any effect is 100% reversible; he just has to stop wearing to go back to dry and dull.

Once he's had a taste of what his skin tube can do, he may be receptive to the idea of restoring slack. His curiousity may get him there before you even have to suggest it.

-Ron Low
{full disclosure - I make and sell the Your-Skin Cone}

[greg_b]

You know him best, so you know how to approach it best. Little things can make a difference in bringing up a subject like this or the other issues you allude to. Your tone of voice, body posture, etc play a significant role.

I will second the recommendation for the book Crucial Conversations. It will give you a set of tools and framework for having difficult discussions.

The key point is to know your own feelings, and assume he is good and wanting what is best as much as you do. If you can enter the conversation with compassion for him, then you will be a long way to making him feel safe to discuss the issues you want to bring up. Take time to verbalize what you are and are not trying to say and accomplish with the conversation. Verbalize your uncertainty about what he thinks and wants. Wording things along the lines of "When I see you do this it makes me feel like this, but I would like you to tell me what your thoughts are" can be very helpful.

This will likely be several conversations, so do not try and find resolution in the first discussion. Take time for both of you to ponder and sleep on things.

I believe that I would appreciate my wife approaching me with information she found and her wondering if it could make a difference in our love life, then point me to references to read for myself or together. By definition he is an amputee and does not have all his original equipment. Many seem defensive about sex in general, and this can make them get hypersensitive over their not being a manly man. It can take time for them to process that you are not saying that they are poor lovers, but that they are a victim that can restore a lot of what was taken from them.

Feel free to Pm me or have your husband PM me if that will help. Restoring is well worth it, but like losing weight, it has to be him who decides to do it.

And I can relate to your description of sex. I was amazed how much easier and better sex was after restoring for a while. In my late 40s, before restoring, I was having to rest part way through. Even when masturbating. I chalked it up to getting older. Restoration has shown me that a missing foreskin takes a helluva lot more work and that was the real reason.

Best wishes