Big mistake

[Aeon]

Originally Posted by dreammagii

Again, i think that your foreskin has to play 2nd to your mental state.
Your penis wont matter at all if you're dead.
So youve sourced enough pharmaceuticals to kill yourself, so i pose a question to you? Which of the following is most true?
- You want to have your life back in control, and your body restored and feel content? Or
- You want to die?
I personally get the feeling from your postings that your struggling to live and be happy, NOT rushing to die.
I think that is important. Suicide is a by-product of your experience. Not what you actually want.
Its awesome your getting help, so give it a chance

Thank you all for yor support. Regarding these questions, yes it is true I am struggling to live and be happy. The problem is that the feelings get so strong that they become overwhelming and I want them to stop. Having struggled so long and for this to happen, there are times when the only option to end the mental suffering is to pull the plug. It's not just my own situation I get really suicidal about, I always bring the suffering of others into it too. I lose sleep over what kids are put through, the memories of what I was put through as a child hurt me more in the fact that others have gone through the same. I want it to stop, I want to be there to help them so nobody has to go through this hell. When I woke up from this current surgery the pain was indescribable and had to be restrained until something they used via the IV kicked in, but even then I thought about what kids are having to go through and was shocked by that more than what I was currently feeling.

Regarding the doctors. I have been advised for a while by all mental health people who work with me that going back to confront this issue would be a huge mistake in my current mental state. The reasoning behind this is that I was mistreated so badly on the day that if a repeat of that awful attitude presented to me occurred again it would drive me over the egde. I've been putting it off for a while, but after posting on here and finding a way to get my feelings out, I did go and confront the issue with the doctors.

What I didn't know is that the doctor I had originally seen is a big international figure. When I first saw him I was the happiest man alive to finally find someone who really cared, he was understanding and straightforward, there was no doubt in my mind he would perform what was needed without damaging me. Even regarding restoration, my experience talking with him was very positive. He told me that he has lots of patients who want what I had achieved and was very interested when I gave him the online links to pass on to his patients.

I didn't get to see him yesterday, but was told he has been trying to contact me as he wants to deal with this issue personally. But as I have lost my place to live it's not been possible to get in contact with me. I saw a colleague of his yesterday, and was initially crushed by the prospect of having to see yet another person who doesn't understand and won't listen. This was not the case though. His colleague gave me a geniune apology and acknowledged the damage done. There was none of the "you had no sensation there anyway" garbage. He said sorry that I had lost something irreplaceable and for the mistreatment I was subjected to on that day. He told me that now their priority is to move me forwards from this point and they will do all they can in order to do this. I don't like to speak ill of people and don't want to cause disruption, but the impression I got yesterday is that someone is in trouble.

Maybe something good will come of this. As the doctor I had originally seen is such an important figure, hopefully my case will help ensure that other people will not be subject to the level of ignorance I experienced that day. I have apalling luck. My original surgery looked like it was performed by a blind man, then upon meeting such a high ranking doctor and having a great solution planned - I get passed onto just the wrong people when it really mattered.

I'm going to concentrate on keeping myself stable. I did spend the last few nights reading nothing but the method I was planning to use to die. But after seeing the doctor yesterday and receiving a genuine apology I can at least break out of the mental cycle I've been stuck in and concentrate on staying safe.

[dreammagii]

Well thats all positive moves, which is super, though i would agree that you looking into your circumcision at this stage could knock you over the edge.
In regards to your wanting to die, can i set you a challenge?
If you find that your emotionally and psychologically up against the wall, and are thinking of committing suicide when you're at your tethers end, then i want you to write the date and time down on a pad of paper, and then wait 3 days before acting on it, and if you still feel the same and want to die at the end of 3 days, call your emergency health professional. Every area has one that can be reached by phone.
I think you need to put an emergency contingency plan in place.
Remember, in your own words, your prerogative is to end your mental suffering, not kill yourself. These ARE different things. Take heart mr. The universe does give you things that you cant conquer.

[Aeon]

I'm really struggling tbh. Today has been pure hell. I've spent the whole day reading up about my suicide method and even ordered yet more drugs in. I just go into an auto-pilot and before I know what I'm doing I've already done it. I'm having difficulty keeping a focus on anything which could possibly distract me, I took a diazapam a few minutes ago to try and calm down as I'm breathing too quickly and becoming increasingly panicked.

I took your advice and have called the crisis helpline. They need to look up my details and will call me back. Sorry to keep posting about this but I really have nobody to talk to at all, in just being able to write things down I'm hoping will help keep a lid on things.

[Terato]

Originally Posted by Aeon

I'm really struggling tbh. Today has been pure hell. I've spent the whole day reading up about my suicide method and even ordered yet more drugs in. I just go into an auto-pilot and before I know what I'm doing I've already done it. I'm having difficulty keeping a focus on anything which could possibly distract me, I took a diazapam a few minutes ago to try and calm down as I'm breathing too quickly and becoming increasingly panicked.

I took your advice and have called the crisis helpline. They need to look up my details and will call me back. Sorry to keep posting about this but I really have nobody to talk to at all, in just being able to write things down I'm hoping will help keep a lid on things.

Hi,

I really, really feel for you and for your story. I think that what was done to you (both the original circ and the taking away of your new foreskin) was absolutely horrible and criminal.

While I can't say that I've been where you are now, I do think that I have a tiny bit of experience in dealing with, second-hand, what you are going through. I've had to talk to a person I love very much who struggles with depression and suicidal feelings while they were feeling actively suicidal, and tried to talk them out of basically being in a position where they might commit suicide. What seemed to help in that situation was talking. Just keeping the person talking to me and away from doing what they wanted to do at that moment seemed to work.

This may not work for you -- talking may make you feel worse, I don't know -- but maybe you just need to be in a position to be talking to someone if/when you feel these intense suicidal feelings, or find yourself ordering medication or researching self-harm methods? If posting on here helps, do that. I don't know if FR/I has a chat, but if we do (it would be cool to have one) you could talk on there, or PM any members here who you might want to talk with privately? Is there someone in your life who you can call or drop by their place if you really need to talk with someone, as well?

Just a thought. Hang in there. What was done to you is a horrible disgrace, but by killing yourself, you'd only be letting who perpetuated these actions win.

[Aeon]

There's nobody I can turn to if I need to talk. As I don't know where I will be living the mental health workers can't put any sort of plan in place to help me. I'm not able to get therapy at this point because my mental state is so bad that they don't want to upset what little stability I have. In desparation I tried calling my brother but he's either dismissive or implies I have a drug problem. I absolutely do not have a drug problem, even the medications prescribed to me I use very sparingly as I don't want to become dependant, even though most of the time I'm not planning on being around much longer. The tablet I took earlier is one of a pack given to me by a doctor months ago, I've only taken 2 of them so far - both times when I've been completely unable to calm down. The only thing I regularily take is the anti-depressants prescribed to me.

I hate imposing on people, I've always kept everything inside and tried to manage as best I can. Occassionally I call for help out of desperation, either I get dismissed, asked "what's wrong now?" or it's all put down to this completely non-existant drug problem. I honestly don't know how to deal with this, I really don't want to end up in a secure mental ward again, that really was pure hell. This situation is so ridiculous, I feel like a big enough idiot as it is. The crisis staff have not called me back, but I've at least calmed down enough to be able to try and find some form of distraction. Hopefully I will sleep tonight and tomorrow will be easier.

[peterpink]

You can and should keep talking to us. My two daughters suffered from depression and I have been close to depression myself after finding out about the effects of depression. I have some understanding from these experiences.

Keep talking to us, even when it seems that nothing matters or has any significance. I think it is good for you to keep writing your thoughts down to get through the grief. A pity you brother is not able to listen to your.

My main suggestion is to get a some exercise. Physical activity releases large amounts of pleasure molecules from the brain (as does singing) and will help to take you out of yourself. Just walking for half an hour or more can help. Focus on the world around you as you walk. This should help with sleeping too. It will also help to excrete the chemicals that are creating anxiety. Give it a go.

Best wishes.

[dreammagii]

Originally Posted by Aeon

I'm really struggling tbh. Today has been pure hell. I've spent the whole day reading up about my suicide method and even ordered yet more drugs in. I just go into an auto-pilot and before I know what I'm doing I've already done it. I'm having difficulty keeping a focus on anything which could possibly distract me, I took a diazapam a few minutes ago to try and calm down as I'm breathing too quickly and becoming increasingly panicked.

I took your advice and have called the crisis helpline. They need to look up my details and will call me back. Sorry to keep posting about this but I really have nobody to talk to at all, in just being able to write things down I'm hoping will help keep a lid on things.

Hi, so ive worked in crisis couselling lines before, and the purpose of the phone line is to be a last line of defence when someone is being harmed, or looking to harm themselves. So if they werent assisting try another. You also need to remove all of your suicide tools. Dump ur meds down the toilet thanks, harm minimisation please! If you want a coping mechanism, think of a better one.

The phone line also provide resource referrals to free or cheap face-to-face counselling for emergency cases. In Australia where i am they are all run through The HIV/Aids council, the health department or Bluesky depression. Can i note that counselling is allowing you the space to vent and teaches you tools and life skills to endure the bad dark times. This will stabilise you and strengthen your resilience.

I have some requests for you;
- What less harmful coping mechanisms can u put in place when you want an 'out'?
- What area are you based in?
- Can you put pictures up of your cock, im curious and curiouser?

[Terato]

Originally Posted by peterpink

My main suggestion is to get a some exercise. Physical activity releases large amounts of pleasure molecules from the brain (as does singing) and will help to take you out of yourself. Just walking for half an hour or more can help. Focus on the world around you as you walk. This should help with sleeping too. It will also help to excrete the chemicals that are creating anxiety. Give it a go.

I should add here that, while that's a helpful suggestion, it does not work for everyone. The person I referred to earlier who suffers from depression says that exercise or walking around outside never helps their depression, it only makes it worse and makes them angrier, if they are angry to start with.

[ih8vtec13]

I lost a large portion of the frenum remnant I had, and it was purely my stupidity that made me loose it, I had a piercing in it the I made bigger way to fast, and it basically dried out and broke off. I lost all hope, orgasams were not rewarding, I even cryed after more then a few, and yes I was suicidal. I have a history with those feelings and scars to go along with that history, so I am farmilar with those feelings and want to say that its not worth it.

You are angry and hurt right now, and entitled to be but dont suffer alone. Stop ordering drugs as well, you know you have hope still if you are still here. There are always people to help you out with advice or just to vent to, you are in the right place for that. Feel free to message me or hit me on aim, I can tell you that things will get better, you will notice new sensations in your penis as you learn to deal with the situation. You will find new sensations in your penis and masturbation will feel good again, you just need to be optomistic and let go a little, sex is very much a mental thing and focusing on your short comings will make it a negitive experiance.

Talk to a therapist about your situation too, good to get a professionals opinion and maybe some medication to help you relax, like valium, or something, but trust me life is worth living, still and yes I know its a dark time for you but you have support, use it.

[Aeon]

Thanks for all you replies.

I am doing a little better, I'm not so actively suicidal anymore. Things got really bad last week and thankfully the crisis team intervened, it's calmed down a lot since then and I'm being visited again tomorrow. I'm going to start planning getting back to work and finding my own accomodation. In September I have to go back to hospital for a minor surgery to fix a mess they've left with this, but they have stated that I will be given support to move me on from this point.

Work is something I really want to get back to (and they want me back). Hopefully I can focus on that and try and push all of this garbage out and stay active. I've started restoring again, the doctor instructed me to do so (which was surprising). Trying as best I can to have hope that things will get better, I'm so tired of this. Really hoping that Foregen takes off and a reconstructive procedure becomes possible sometime in the future, I really want to get back even a little of what I've lost and will try and donate as much as I can. That will at least make it feel I'm making some sort of difference.