Getting Better

[covenantvictim]

Greeting Friends. I like many of you have realized the full effects of circumcision by learning about the Intact human anatomy and using common sense. I'll not preach to the converted any longer.

This Post is about getting over it, and really enjoying your one and only life.

I have spent alot of time feeling angry about this. The idea that I was violated as an infant and that I would never 'feel' what it was like if I had been left intact drove me to rage. That rage when circulating ventless in my mind and heart, putrified and fermented into depression. When you are depressed you dont feel like doing much of anything except to wallow in a metaforical tub of your own sadness. Though it came and went over a period of about 3 years, being depressed and angry about my situation had a limiting effect on my life and poisoned time that could have been better spent.

I used to be a Lurker in this forum with the name of CovenantVictim. I dont think I ever posted before. I cleverly came up with that name since the "blood covenat" deal between Abraham and God was sealed with amputated foreskins. The 'victim' part represented a victim mentality and a good deal of self pity.



Many thoughts comprised my complex problem of circumcision anger:

First is the obvious: Frustration with being incomplete for an idiotic reason.

Perhaps equally as frustrating was the fact that most people in my life (friends, family) thought I was crazy. I spoke with my friends and they gave Intense protective reactions as if they were brainwashed. "Girls like it that way bro" or "everyone in the world has to get circumcised" or "foreskin causes cancer". Getting through to them was not working, perhaps knowing what I know now I could better structure an argument so that they can see clearly. Perhaps I came up to them seeming like a bit of a conspiracy nut on the whole mutilation deal.

I really felt like I had no one to talk to. I asked my parents once, carefully not not let them know my full emotional hurt on the issue, and they brushed it off even as I presented some facts. I love my parents and do not want to cause them emotional guilt knowing that their actions put me through a ton of trauma. (Since they really are wonderful loving parents).

I was also angry at my own lack of courage to speak up about this Taboo Subject. I was afraid that I would be viewed as a weirdo or a perv.

I also had the sense that I had to be macho and keep all of my problems to myself because that is "how a man is".

I got to a point where I felt that my physical and mental health were at stake. Over eating, No sleep, irritable. And I resolved to find a way to forgive all of this and let go of anger. I searched the internet about forgiveness, yet I could never swallow it. Then one day I was in a book store and picked up a random book and started reading. I read about Azim Khamisa, a guy whose son was murdered by a 14 year old gang member. 5 years later Azim went to meet his sons killer in the prison in which he was held. He said he tried to find a murderer in the eyes of the young man, but found only another soul staring back at him. This 14 year old kid had been molded by a society in which EVERYONE has a share in defining. Azim chose to forgive this kid and started a foundation in the name of his deceased son. He now works full time by teaching non violence and understandingto as many children in areas that really need help so that others dont have to feel the pain that he went through. He even partnered with the grandfather of the jailed killer to tell the story. He also offered the young man a job when he is released from jail.

I have never heard of an example of such incredible personal strength. To forgive, and to create something beautiful and good for the rest of the world.

So I decided release myself of all this emotional baggage. I did'nt want to tell my parents or my brother who is also cut.(I'm getting ready to tell my bro soon, I'd rather he learn from me than from elseware so that he wont be alone in it as I was)

I decided to tell my Sister.It was like jumping off a cliff. I didnt know how she would feel about it, but I had resolved to tell her everything. I went of for perhaps 2 hours purging my guts of everything that had been torturing me. I talked about the anatomy of an intact man and later she watched a medical video on how its supposed to function. To my incredible relief, she was very open and accepting of me and my view. She listened to everything I said and we talked about all of the details of tangent issues surrounding this. I even explained and for warned her not to force a retraction on her future son foreskin. (like pulling up fingernails at that age.

After I told her everything, I felt so great to be open. I felt like I had drained a pool of hatred and broken conversational barriers in one move. Afterwards I decided to give up resentment. To give up thoughts of revenge. To stop being angry about something that would never be 100% fixed for me.(I am about 1/3 done restoring now).

What felt really good is knowing that possibly 3 or 4 boys will be spared circumcision grief when my Sis decides to have children.

I think its all about spreading the knowledge about proper anatomy without coming off as a bunch of "gross foreskin radicals".


The bottom line is:

It is way better to get your feelings out there and let the ones you love know how you feel. Holding onto this pain CAN LAST YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! If you allow yourself to be consumed by anger and depression, the only one who loses out in the end is you.

There are so many beautiful things to see and do in in life..ahem women included... that is is a terrible waste to allow any issue to bring you down.


"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured"

Quote by Mark Twain

[Saracen_restorer]

I suppose I can't really relate to that initial anger you talk about, as at the time I had an amazing girlfriend who loved me to bits (metaphorically) so I wasn't frustrated for long. I got on with restoring, with her support.

Although in my case the cutting was also religiously motivated (by Muslims as opposed to Jews).

[freddys]

Hello Covenantvictim,
What a beautiful end for such a wrenching period. Anyone who can heal himself as you did is a wonderful motivator for all the other men who like you are so depressed by what was done to them. I hope your example will help overcome their depression and allow them to refocus their life in a positive way.
Forgiving your parents is really hard. But don't forget that parents always want the best for their children, and it is really not their fault to have been convinced by arguments presented by persons who should have known better. A parent who realizes the harm that was done feels another type of anger, but one which can be as damaging: I know, 45 years ago, I have let my son be circumcised, and I carry the burden of that mistake.
Best regards,
freddys.

[FalseReality]

I like to say circumcision taught me the power of the phrase “ignorance is bliss”. Having not known that I was circumcised for quite awhile I enjoyed my experience of my current state very much so. I suppose we can look at it from the perspective of what if I was right before, what if I was uncut. Would I be happier then, hell yeah, nothing would have changed about my penis though. I try to think of it as things only get better from here. It’s like if you learned everyone was supposed to have super clear vision with zooming abilities like owls have. We would be depressed that we didn’t have “intact eyes”. This point of view only really applies to guys circumcised in infancy (or any age before beginning masturbation), but still if you where not you would experience the benefit of knowing just how close you came to intact and could possibly rest at ease. For us RIC victims it will always be a mystery how close we came.

I am in the reality I ended up in, nothing I can do about it, could have been born a tortured soul. I’m lucky I live in a country that has access to the World Wide Web, most people in the world probably don’t. I’m lucky I had good parents that taught me well, I lived a better life so far than others I know of. I had to pay the price for a trait of ignorance that I did not even inherit, getting angry won’t do me any good though. Helping other children be born whole and restoring will. Orgasms vary all the time, foreskin restoration is very close to intact as I’ve heard from previously intact guys, so I will be satisfied and over with circumcision by that time I believe.

[Z-Ron]

I can't thank you enough for posting this Covenant Victim. Your post really helped me cheer up.

False Reality, you also made a great post.

Really, you just don't know how much that meant to me. Times are very dark for me at the moment.