Not sure I should mention it

[Anon47]

I hate my parents for it.. But words can't be taken back.

I'm only 18 so i'm stuck living with a mother for whom I hold no respect. Not solely because of the circ. She's simply a moron, but if she'd not requested the destruction of my genitals in that sadistic act of child torture, I would only look at her with disdain. And not also hatred.

I want to tell her. I've typed the letter up.
But the fact is I still have to live with this bitch, and she does care for me, despite her idiocy.

Telling her that I'll never, ever ever ever respect her, explaining to her what she's done and telling her that I hate her. I mean, she'd probably go into denial. She's all emotions and no logic. She wouldn't be able to accept what she's done. She would try to justify it.

I start to think I shouldn't send it, then I remember what circumcision actually is, how disgusting and despicable. But i'm not sure if it's the right decision.

[Jamie]

Hold it out a while, dont send it yet. Hatred will only consume you in the end. We don't choose our parents, and many of us have lost a certain amount of respect for our parents over this. Some of our parents did what they thought was best, even though we believe we would have thought differently in their shoes. Asking for an apology off our parents isn't unreasonable at all, but we are still living in a society that just isn't getting it yet. Sexual issues are flooded with hysteria and senseless bullshit, and we have some time to go before that changes, but I think it is starting to now.
I think for many guys (if not most) who have this done to them, experience a bonding malfunction with their parents, and even those who remain in denial, will usually have issues with their parents they would claim has nothing to do with being cut. Telling you hate her and calling her a bitch will only serve to destroy your relationship with her more than it is now. I find it's always a good idea, when you write a letter fueled by anger and passion, is at the end of it, remove the angry words, but leave the emotional ones. I really believe that works out better.

Child circumcision is foul and disgusting, but some people are plain gullible (check out David Icke and his moon theory) and if Doctor tells them how much better it is, and that their child will appreciate it, they might just go for it. Medical science has come so far in recent years it's incredible, but as a man, you have a penis, and the penis has been something to be laughed at and mocked by sexually repressed people. Sexual repression affects the majority, and people consider it to be the norm, so there has been little to none research into our sexual organs because most get uncomfortable talking about it.

Keep learning about life, and just drop her hints about circumcision in a very subtle way. EDIT You've only got to type the word into google now to be greeted with almost immediate condemnation of it. Perhaps in time she will approach you about it. Give it time....

[Anon47]

Hold it out a while, dont send it yet. Hatred will only consume you in the end. We don't choose our parents, and many of us have lost a certain amount of respect for our parents over this. Some of our parents did what they thought was best, even though we believe we would have thought differently in their shoes. Asking for an apology off our parents isn't unreasonable at all, but we are still living in a society that just isn't getting it yet. Sexual issues are flooded with hysteria and senseless bullshit, and we have some time to go before that changes, but I think it is starting to now.
I think for many guys (if not most) who have this done to them, experience a bonding malfunction with their parents, and even those who remain in denial, will usually have issues with their parents they would claim has nothing to do with being cut. Telling you hate her and calling her a bitch will only serve to destroy your relationship with her more than it is now. I find it's always a good idea, when you write a letter fueled by anger and passion, is at the end of it, remove the angry words, but leave the emotional ones. I really believe that works out better.

Child circumcision is foul and disgusting, but some people are plain gullible (check out David Icke and his moon theory) and if Doctor tells them how much better it is, and that their child will appreciate it, they might just go for it. Medical science has come so far in recent years it's incredible, but as a man, you have a penis, and the penis has been something to be laughed at and mocked by sexually repressed people. Sexual repression affects the majority, and people consider it to be the norm, so there has been little to none research into our sexual organs because most get uncomfortable talking about it.

Keep learning about life, and just drop her hints about circumcision in a very subtle way. EDIT You've only got to type the word into google now to be greeted with almost immediate condemnation of it. Perhaps in time she will approach you about it. Give it time....

The thing is. I'm a lot younger than most here. Medical authority in Australia had discouraged circumcision for just over 20 years before I was born. I hear stories (from USA) about some parents being tricked or some doctors not even asking for consent. But that isn't what happened to me, my parents are more accountable.

I don't care for a relationship with her. I have thought about it for months (not just about circ but other factors pertaining to our relationship). She is my mother. but I just don't care. And what is the point of this letter? if not to hurt her? And make her understand why we don't get along. The fact that I don't respect her.
What i'd written isn't long and drawn out, it's short and w/o many put downs. I think the message is more powerful if it's explained how disgusting and despicable the act is and how little I respect her. Rather than just calling her names.

All she does is go to work and sit in front on the tv - she knows nothing. She will not EVER approach me about it. I can assure you. Time will not make any difference. This feeling will not go away. I just want to move out and forget about her but I can't right now.

Sometimes it's a good idea to hold on to such letters for a while before sending them. Chances are that at least some of the points can be reformulated in a way more accessible to your mom. Taking an accusatory tone will likely push her into denial mode, and writing such a letter is a waste of time. Give it to her only if you're sure that you're actually seeking communication with her. If and as long as your goal isn't to see more eye to eye with your mom (even and especially where it concerns mutually acknowledging the real divisions and conflicts), don't give her the letter.

You are right it may be a good idea to keep it for awhile, to make sure it's written as best I can make it. No accusatory tone? I do blame her and it is her fault.. What other tone is there? She did this to me.
I'm not sure I am seeking communication. I may have set out to simply make her understand and perhaps hurt her. There's not really much to discuss or communicate with her about.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by Anon47

The thing is. I'm a lot younger than most here. Medical authority in Australia had discouraged circumcision for just over 20 years before I was born. I hear stories (from USA) about some parents being tricked or some doctors not even asking for consent. But that isn't what happened to me, my parents are more accountable.

I don't care for a relationship with her. I have thought about it for months (not just about circ but other factors pertaining to our relationship). She is my mother. but I just don't care. And what is the point of this letter? if not to hurt her? And make her understand why we don't get along. The fact that I don't respect her.
What i'd written isn't long and drawn out, it's short and w/o many put downs. I think the message is more powerful if it's explained how disgusting and despicable the act is and how little I respect her. Rather than just calling her names.

All she does is go to work and sit in front on the tv - she knows nothing. She will not EVER approach me about it. I can assure you. Time will not make any difference. This feeling will not go away. I just want to move out and forget about her but I can't right now.

You are right it may be a good idea to keep it for awhile, to make sure it's written as best I can make it. No accusatory tone? I do blame her and it is her fault.. What other tone is there? She did this to me.
I'm not sure I am seeking communication. I may have set out to simply make her understand and perhaps hurt her. There's not really much to discuss or communicate with her about.

I respect what you have just posted there. It seems you have thought this out better than I gave you credit for, and I assume "talking" to her is a waste of time. I am a minority like you are, as most children were being spared their genital integrity but Judaism got in the way in the early 70's. 40 years later and it's still legal, but not for much longer seeing as we have a strong gathering and large presence on the internet. Good luck whatever you do, but make sure you are fully independent and able to carry yourself before cutting your ties with her. Hope you find a way through this. Take it easy...

[Cajoboy]

I read this site everyday and as much as it bothers me, as much as it keeps that knife spinning in the air causing emotions to keep bubbling up. I have never had a site that I have felt more interested in and enjoy sharing a personal issue with men that I appreciate.

Now for my point, I keep hearing that our parents thought they were doing the right thing. Yes, of course, but where were the fucking doctors to educate parents on this? Our parents trusted doctors (at least somewhat) to guide them through the child bearing process. It makes me sick how timid the hospitals and healthcare and doctors are on this subject. They lightly say that there is no medical reason to do this.... then after that the bullshit starts with another weak sentence......there is some indications that there are benefits....... I HATE THIS.

How about in bold print at the top of the form:
__________________________________________________ ___________
This procedure is not recommended, it is performing surgery on an infant's genitals for no clear purpose. As medical professionals we don't normally perform operations without and against the patient's consent. We recommend elective surgery be undertaken only after the age of consent.
__________________________________________________ ___________

How about this? Is it the exact truth. This should be available and on file for the victim to see at a later date if he so chooses.

[bsidney]

When I come to this site it saddens me to see so much anger. You are not alone. I am angry too, but not at my parents who were told like I was that circumcision was necessary to prevent penile cancer by the medical community, doctors and health education. Why haven't any of you included the teachers who read from the health books? I know that is just a bold face lie, but it is what parents were told. Until recently doctors were godlike. They would never lie to us! But they did and they do. Not all of them but enough of them. I have learned the hard way that a doctor is only being paid to provide an opinion and when the patient feels it is good advice some possible skilled surgery or medication. I never have surgery or take a pill from the doctor until I have researched it carefully. I only wish my parents and I could have learned this leason before circumcision. I too was stripped and savagely mutilated without any pain medicines. When I was a baby we didn't get much medicines especially for pain. Maybe sometime I will describe having my teeth drilled as a child without novacain!

As far as the letter goes I would take it to a mental therapist that you feel comfortable with and discuss your feelings with him. I would never give it to your mother. Of course that is only my opinion, but you may decide later in life that you do want a relationship with her.

We feel betrayed by the one or two people in the whole world that we thought we could trust to take care of us only to discover that they let us down almost immediately. I certainly forgive my parents. I don't want to give them pain. I just want full erect coverage with some overhang. I know I will achieve my goal. I use all my anger to make myself do it every day!

Parents make mistakes every day, just usually not as bad as this one, but sometimes much worse. When you become a parent you will know the pain of realizing you made a mistake and it will affect your child for the rest of it's life. For some parents that realization is too much.

Hope it helps to know that most if not all of us have been where you are and are at varying degrees of heeling, I can say for myself that the restoration helps alot.

[z726]

My advice to Anon47, for what it's worth:

If you have absolutely no interest in repairing your relationship with your mother, you may as well let the issue drop - as well as the others between the two of you. Building up too much anger in your life can very well end up driving you crazy, and I suppose you wouldn't want that (nor the hefty psychiatrist bills that can come with it).

If you do at least want to open some line of communication - and this is probably necessary to live with each other - I would recommend examining the primary source of your relationship's dysfunction and work on resolving it, at least to a point that eliminates some of your ill will toward her. Whatever this main issue is, it's surely not the circumcision thing; it's obvious something else had started to create a wall between you before it became a point of contention. The circumcision issue is just another brick in the wall (apologies to Pink Floyd fans for the metaphor), to be dealt with in time, but a subject angers you greatly might not be the best starting point.

Understand that it may not be easy for your mother to deal with these things either. Just have patience and be calm about it all. You might consider going about it rather gradually, as to lessen the emotional difficulty involved.

I mean, you are both family, after all.

[scotty]

I'm not on the best terms with my mom and I can certainly understand your anger. My mom was the one who insisted on my circumcision, and it was one of those extremely rare case of medical necessity. However, I am convinced it would have been done regardless. You state that one of your intentions is to hurt her but that won't really help you deal. It sounds like there is a lot more going on and her decision to circumcise you was the straw-that-broke the camel's back.

Parents try to do what's best for their children but they make mistakes. You want her to know how you feel and that's natural, being vindictive about it may not be the best approach. Take from me, I tried that with my mom about some other issues and being accusatory and being in attack mode did not further my arguments, caused her to become defensive and when she did that, she dug-in and became more entrenched in her position. It had the opposite effect.

That being said, if you absolutely feel you have no other options and giver that letter, make sure you have a place to go and are capable of 100% self-sufficiency. I wish you the best of luck in a difficult position.

[antibunk]

My opinion:

Don't give the letter to her, man. Burn it. Why bring unnecessary pain into your mother's life? You already stated that she cares for you and that she is a "moron." So she probably didn't know better at the time, regardless of any official opinion of the medical community.

I just never see anything productive coming from a son telling parents how much he hates them because of a circumcision. Waste of time and energy. What's done is done. I would suggest to anyone to focus that energy into more productive pursuits.

And this is coming from a person with no kids and no interest in kids. I just don't see the point in hurting a parent in this way unless one really believes it was done with malicious intent and not ignorance.

Anger is an albatross, man. I would suggest letting it go. Personally, anger has done nothing for me but weigh me down and rot me from the inside.

[peterpink]

When we learn how we have been hurt we feel anger and want to hurt the perpetrator. By all means write down your feelings and the details of what you have lost (see my story - below - for ideas), and keep it for a month or two. Just writing things down is therapeutic. Perhaps give it to her when you leave home. It is possible to do so in such a way that you are not actually blaming her, but the magnitude and enormity of what she has done may slowly dawn on her. Use 'I statements'. Such statements have three parts: (i) How you feel, (ii) what was done and (iii) how it has affected you. That is: 'I feel ........., because someone cut off ......... and now I cannot ............. . (fill in the spaces.) This may sound a bit cheesy, but in my experience it does work without directly accusing. If my mother was still alive I would use this approach with her.

This may upset some very good people on this site, who I greatly respect, but I do not apologize for speaking plainly. I still find it extremely difficult to accept that parents think cutting off parts of the genitals of their babies is a great idea, and have yet to be convinced that any such parents put any commonsense thinking into their decision. Some admit they were very easily duped by doctors or priests, indicating the inability to think independently. As I have said before, they do not do it to their animals or their daughters (both often illegal). They would not do it to their adult children. They do not cut off any other normal tissue e.g. ear or finger from an infant's body. People who do such things to be part of the tribe are unable to think for themselves, lack any sense of ethics and are using a lower level of morality than is desirable for the well-being of individuals in society. (Tribal morality is only at about level 4 of Lawrence Kohlberg's six point scale - see Wiki. Religious morality is also on this level as it seeks to do what is best for the group/tribe rather than the individual.) The common excuse parents often offer is that they felt they were doing the best for their son (with or without medical coercion). In reality it may be that they did it to impress their family or peers, or to make their boys fit their own model of normality. It would help if parents used 'thinking' rather than 'feeling' to make such decisions. If they did they would immediately realize that cutting off parts of the genitals of babies is irrational at best. Critical or skeptical thinking are very rare abilities among humans it seems. Parents of cut boys do need to own up to their poor decision making skills, that they were unable to think clearly for themselves and apologize profusely for their wrong-doing. I know that some fathers on this site have done this and they are to be congratulated for taking responsibility for their actions. They have to live with the guilt of their irrational decision for the rest of their lives.

My story is at: http://www.restoringtally.com/blog/2...self-discovery