Depression

[swordofpeace]

Hello,

I am getting so depressed about my circumcision. It is an issue I always knew was there subconsciously. it would pop up at various times in my adult life. I'm 30 years old now. Now I have taken to study it and what has happened to me and hearing from men and women and I am just getting so depressed. Who had the right to do this to me? Are not my genitals my own? Nature made men and women to match and someone, some selfish insensitive jerk robbed me of this match for a mere 400 or so dollars. I hope he suffers sharp fire of correction. The fire that he deserves for his work must be very hot. What is the difference between him and hitler except in degree. I mean seriously. What gives these people the right? And if it's greed- I mean how greedy can you be to ruin someone's sex life and life in general for a few hundred dollars? I'd rather my parents paid him twice that to not do anything, then he can be happy and smug with his money.

My life is not ruined. maybe I am even of the more lucky ones. Yet I am still depressed.

When I get depressed about something valid, people always want to cheer me up with their bullshit. Definitely I can't bring this up because who would understand? Most people are in denial. That denial is painful and stupid. Why do you think our society is so stupid.

I am single but I want to marry and take on a husbands responsibility. I am looking for a wife of good character. I am hoping my wife will be as depressed about this as I am. I will restore once I get the parts and once I get more knowledge. I am very excited to start restoring. But that doesn't excuse those assholes nor does it mean I shouldn't be depressed. Or envious. I am so envious of intact men, you can't imagine. It is just so fucking not fair. I know life is not fair, but come on- I mean cutting off the most sensitive part of a man's body, his birthright is worse than going through life poor. I'd rather have my foreskin than a million dollars.

What can I do? I can talk about it. I am the person that won't shut up about things. I am like water- I find a way around the blocks that people set up. I want to talk about it especially when it makes people feel awkward. My desire is that my mother feels depressed about what she did- and my father. Why should they not feel depressed?

I also imagine that my father's circ has negatively impacted their sex life- hence their bond, hence our childhood through that way. They get along mostly well- but there is some tension and lack of passion. Um, could foreskin have anything to do with that? My dad won't restore- at least I asked him and he said he's fine. Damn, I am just as politically conservative as him but he's conservative in a stupid way as well.

I really am depressed. I process this in levels. I get a certain amount of grief and envy, and then I learn more, and then the envy deepens. At least I know I'm on the right path, the path to the center of my being and my emotional health. I am identifying true causes of mental and emotional states, which affect my real life behavior and well being. I know this now because of the state I am in as I write this. I am not in denial anymore. The lid is coming off

I believe I must find a way to make this turn out for the better somehow. Since I lost so much, I must gain so much- even more if possible. That's the rule I go by in life. It keeps me sane, it keeps me satisfied and optimistic and hopeful about the future. It preserves my self-respect and my good mood. So how can I make something better come out of this? I often have no idea but nature and life finds a way. I am not sure I will even experience that blessing in this life.

I think a lot of people get circumcised and they live their lives in denial. That is the most saddest. Better they learn about what happened, deal with it, process it, grieve about it, use it as a chance to connect with a deeper part of theirselves and others. But denial only produces pathological behavior. Because I write this and talk about this with others, I am somewhat freed from pathological behavior. But not depression

Like I said, this goes in levels. I will process some, write and post about some of my feelings, then I will sleep and wake and converse, remember and forget, and then process more.

I don't give a f--k about people who complain to me about things and are then unwilling to listen to my rant and truth. They are the narcissists, people of no depth, and they are the rule in our society today. Most people can't handle the truth, or can't handle a man's pain. They pretend to be interested in a woman's pain but they are only seeking to validate their weak male ego. And women are often more interested in a dog's welfare than in a mans. I mean what a great shame. When God judges this country- and his judgment is coming- many people will be sore wailing and weeping. I don't believe in eternal hell, but I believe in judgment. I believe in temporary hell- it's here on earth, and there is nothing to scoff at about it.

I guess Christ was crucified on the cross. I guess he suffered more. Plus he was circumcised. So indeed, the disciple is not greater than his master. But I wonder why God commanded Abraham to do it? It was a type that had to do with circumcision of the heart. Lo and behold I do find it has led to greater circumcision of my heart. But anyway that's over, that was put an end to. Circumcision Paul says profits nothing. In fact it puts us under the law again.

We are not a christian nation by the way. Anyone who hates christinaity because of american fundamentalism must realize that most christians are so astray. They teach so many false doctrines that make the word of God to no effect. They teach Eternal Hell (the very words Eternal and Hell are not really in the greek!) they teach futuristic apocalypse, even though that happened in 70AD, so they teach the coming of an anti-christ. Don't listen to them brothers. They are false prophets, bad students. They teach that the loving God is someone who sends people to hell. And they don't do anything about the fact that people are getting circumcized.

People in America in general seem to have no ability to deal with grief- even though it always says in the bible how grief is good- and blessed are they who mourn. See James, Ecclesiastes as well. This aborted grief does NO GOOD for the psyche. It produces not only the most pathological behavior and destructive defense mechanisms, but it also produces inter-generational traumas, because they get passed on -like circumcision and genital mutilation. I wonder if my dad grieved better, if they would have still decided to do me. God forbid I do my own son, out of a desire he experience what I did. What kind of man would I be for that? I am glad I am thinking about this now.

You know most people can't think. I mean that literally. They can't think, even while thinking- because their emotion is just too powerful, too controlling. Their thoughts are like straws on the waves of emotion. That need not be. Drain the ocean and then you can think. I mean they can think technical things- intellectual things as they intellectualize. But whenever thought comes into conflict with emotion- Bam! Gone! Didn't stand a chance.

See I am popping all these thoughts out because I am on to something in my mind. I have a long way to go with my healing. I found the source of at least a lot of my misery, which I wasn't even conscious of.

I hope to bring order in my life- both in terms of work, in terms of self-wellness, and in terms of family and community relationships, and in terms of my plan for future children, and in terms of social work that I want to do- and coming to an understanding of circumcision will help me deal with this all, on all these levels. With family because it will open avenues that need to be opened. It will help me connect emotionally to people who always want to intellectualize and be abstract.

I have a long way to go. I have to somehow turn this trauma and loss into a gain. To me it's more of a loss than it is a trauma. I would suffer ten time the trauma as a child if I could only have the functioning foreskin back. What shape or form that gain may take is beyond me. Certainly I will grow back what I can. I can get the gliding function back I think. That will make sex more enjoyable for each of us, it will cover the glans and there will be dekeratinization. That will make it more enjoyable for me. No wonder why masturbation hurt. My xgirlfriend thought I was just a sexual prude. I wonder how many misdiagnoses and confusions and blaming statements and judgments have happened between lovers and couples because of what idiot surgeon there did.

I want to just ramble because this is healing for me. Capiche?

When you lose your manhood, you have to gain your manhood. When you lose a bit you must gain a bit.

Women- keep telling me how sex is different, better with intact men. It hurts but I need to know the pain, because you are only bringing up to my higher mind what my lower mind already knows. Keep telling me how much you like intact cock. Keep telling me how they are better lovers, how they have advantages, how nature and God designed them that way and that they are superior. Keep telling me how it's not as good with someone who is cut. Keep telling me what you prefer, how you have orgasms, and great connection, just laying there in stillness, no soreness, no lube no problem all bliss all good, from the heart, magic. Even keep telling me you will avoid those who are circed. Keep telling me the truth, for the truth shall set you free.

If my brother was cut, and I think he was, I'm predicting he won't deal with this- anytime soon. Most people I know are emotionally avoidant. I might have been even just a while ago. But for me now is the time. I find freedom through awareness. I find freedom through awareness and I find awareness through acceptance of whatever comes- be it envy or depression or grief or pain or anything. It is all of these things.

I am just a man, with a limited physical body. I have no power save what the spirit gives me. Whatever works the spirit wants to do through me, that's all I can do. When I don't have the spirit, I don't have power. Flesh has only so much power. Everything great I have done has been without thinking, without my conscious will. I only want to be a temple of the holy spirit, what an honor.

In our country we butcher animals like they are worthless utilities. We butcher babies. We put mercury in the teeth of people. Why is europe more progressive here? I love all america stands for. It just doesn't live what it stands for. It is just a country of hypocrites and profit-loving men. Why is this? Why is there the pride and the greed? What is the source? No wonder i much prefer Europe. America needs everything big and grand. Don't they realize you can grow a lot on a little plot, and it's more charming as well? I love my country. I want to love it, and make it into something nicer. But I don't always like it. love is a verb, not a noun. I don't want to abandon her but I want her to abandon her madness and insanity.

I guess when I am in the spirit I don't feel the pain of my cut. I guess maybe due to this cut I may be in the spirit more. that could be a blessing. I wonder if there is a link here.

Anyway the more I look and read- which is something I must do- the more knowledge I gain. I have more knowledge than most people are willing to face up to. With the knowledge comes insight, even if it produces grief. You can either deal with unconscious grief and trauma and loss, or else deny it. But you can't just jettison it without processing it. Denying it doesn't mean it does not exist. I understand how it can be a difficult and painful and emotionally exhausting process, but what is the alternative? It will take you on roads and paths and journeys into new states.

It starts with knowledge. Through pain. On to .. what?

oh the pain, round and round, deeper and deeper, higher and higher.
And I said let grief be a falling leaf, at the dawning of the day

[Cajoboy]

Sword:

We are all sharing your thoughts and emotions in our own ways, but you so eloquently expressed it in a thought out manner. Thank you.

I especially agree with you regarding women and how their issues seem to come first in the media and in ball busting bitches attitudes. If you would read how a woman gets knifed in the vagina and cut to shreds by a jealous huband, does anyone laugh? When Jon Bobbit had his penis partially cut off by a mad woman, it was sooo funny all the girls in my school carried around the article and it was the center of universe news for months, none of them thought it was savage, instead it was a great prank. And some men do not help the situation either being so insecure on the topic they instead constantly tell "dick" jokes. When someone brings up real issues such as mutilation, they get quiet and disburse - no more talk.

I can tell you that you can grow more foreskin, I have. It is great. In fact my trip to the urologist (for an unrelated issue), whom I found worthless like most doctors, told me twice that I was not circumcised and that I should check my records, "because he sees dicks all week". Rather than prove it to him, I decided to express my views on mutilating boys. He would not comment either way. He said my penis looks great. I later wrote him a letter similar to yours and all he would say is that he senses my frustration!

To the uneducated world, this is a non-issue. However, once every man finds out what he was subjected too and gets educated, they almost always become advocates forever. This awful procedure is being committed less and less every year. Check out my link to statistics by state.

Something that should cheer you up is knowing you really can grow foreskin although it takes years and the mechanics of having a cut up frenulum makes it imperfect in comparison, it will let you know what it feels like and looks like to be whole. Trust me.

[Jamie]

I'm sorry I can't type much out to you at this moment, but we all hear your every word. Everyday I keep seeing new member after member; this place is so busy and getting busier.

Hey, you should be a writer, I think you have quite a talent for it. Restoration needs to be thought about properly, ie: you need to understand how the foreskin was attached and how it worked, that way you will have better insight to restore well. It is a long journey, and finding a partner who is supportive can be a challenge, but as has been mentioned, more and more people are becoming aware, and in a 100 years time we will look back in astonishment to know what we did to children. With the way society is over child abuse, this beggars belief and really makes me wonder about the honesty and genuineness of human nature.

It's quite a roller-coaster ride coming out of denial, but one has to be careful about educating cut men, as some perhaps won't know how to deal with it. One of the reasons it's easier to come out of denial, is the possibility of repairing some of the damage. Without this, most of us may still be in denial for the rest of our lives.

I told my brother 2 months ago, and he told me he didn't have an issue with it, but what struck my mind is, he said "I am actually happy I was done". He cannot be happy to have that done when he knows no different, so it was blatant denial. He knows the truth, and he will deal with it when he is ready.

Welcome anyway, and help us to keep spirits high by motivating others.

[Cajoboy]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I'm sorry I can't type much out to you at this moment, but we all hear your every word. Everyday I keep seeing new member after member; this place is so busy and getting busier. Hey, you should be a writer, I think you have quite a talent for it. Restoration needs to be thought about properly, ie: you need to understand how the foreskin was attached and how it worked, that way you will have better insight to restore well. It is a long journey, and finding a partner who is supportive can be a challenge, but as has been mentioned, more and more people are becoming aware, and in a 100 years time we will look back in astonishment to know what we did to children. With the way society is over child abuse, this beggars belief and really makes me wonder about the honesty and genuineness of human nature. It's quite a roller-coaster ride coming out of denial, but one has to be careful about educating cut men, as some perhaps won't know how to deal with it. One of the reasons it's easier to come out of denial, is the possibility of repairing some of the damage. Without this, most of us may still be in denial for the rest of our lives. I told my brother 2 months ago, and he told me he didn't have an issue with it, but what struck my mind is, he said "I am actually happy I was done". He cannot be happy to have that done when he knows no different, so it was blatant denial. He knows the truth, and he will deal with it when he is ready.

Welcome anyway, and help us to keep spirits high by motivating others.

Jamie:

I think it was a good thing to inform your brother, and if you are interested in changing him mind, at least a little, you should bring it up every now and then - in the most positive way such as letting him now how natural you look, and how great the rolling sensation is and the best part: it looks bigger. Perhaps make it easy for him to go online such as this site or a more medical one. Men are obsessed with their penis' and think about it all the time. If you have any progress with this, please let us know if it is worth it, or a waste of time.

[swordofpeace]

Thank you for your responses. I am really shocked how supportive and non judgmental they are. I get judgment almost everywhere for the things I write on almost every site- even men's sites.

I had no idea I was writing anything that people would relate to. I guess I'm in good company. It must be that everyone else is in denial. I really think it is a denial issue. I agree with what someone wrote- I might be more in denial if there wasn't the possibility of restoration. Yet denial is still toxic, it blocks the grieving process. It masks the envy and shame and rage and depression, which can't be good

I can't believe the validation and support I got from you. I expected criticism and rage if only for my writing style, which can be all over the place. This will only encourage me to do more, as necessary

Anyway some practical questions-

I will restore and I will learn about the anatomy while I do it. I ordered a double tension device. I have heard that every method works but different people need different methods at different times. Is there anything I can do here now in Turkey (abroad) easily with equipment that I can get at a hardware store? Is there any easy device that can cover my glans?

I am so looking forward to the results. Really the opposite of the depression is the amazing inspiration I get from reading testimonials. it almost seems too fantastic, and yet there are hundreds of them.

I sent my penis picture to the seller of a tool for restoration, and he said I have my frenulum intact. Could that be? I want it to be true and I don'twant to be disappointed. It does seem I have a frenulum if it isn't required that it be gigantic

I know life and restoration both are a journey and an ultra-marathon. But I am anxious to at least get started, taking the first step, even though I am not in a relationship now. Thank you all. Grief work is some of the most important work we can do and I'm glad we have this section. I may be posting more here as necessary, if that's possible, just to externalize my thoughts. In Gratitude

[swordofpeace]

I should do that, look into manual methods.

I will just keep writing freely because I have to get my emotion out of me. Bear with me.

You know I have been keeping the head covered the last 2 hours at the computer, just spontaneously and it makes it and my whole body feel really good. Shame on them who took this from me. I will get back what I can.

I am going to order some equipment and have it shipped here. I hope there are no hang ups at customs. Anyway I can't wait. It must be soon

You know I am thinking about depression. The common sense view would be that depression is caused by something we did to ourselves that we regret, and so we lose self-esteem and self-respect. that is actually I think not really depression. That is loss of self-respect and I think it might be a different creature, actually. Paradoxically, depression often happens to those who have been abused or molested or raped or used, or as in my case, penily mutilated. Why should I feel depressed? I think he should feel depressed. I get it that I am sad about the loss but sadness is not the same as depression. it is almost like a feeling of sadness combined with unworthyness combined with despair and a negative outlook towards the future.

Wow, I can't believe I have all of these deep emotions in me. Only writing here to you do they really come up and my mind becomes clearer. I use the expression 'dry tears'- the tears that I have that I am not allowed to cry. I am trying to bring them to actualization.

I have all of these deep emotions in me, and yet I am a positive person. I am not a cynical, negative, pessimistic, chronically angry person. Everyone always said I like to smile a lot. I always say that back of almost every smile lies a little sadness.

I don't just type words for the sake of increasing the number. Usually the words just flow, but sometimes I have to pause. I want what I write to be something that really issues forth, and not just something to fill space

I think about my uncle. I respect him a lot. he is not like my father. My father has no authority skills, and my uncle is the president of the hospital back home. And yet I respect him for this and want his respect and validation, yet I am a little scared of him, and not in a good way. I like to think a lot about a lot and he says I'm scatterbrained, or at least that's what I hear. He says I'm unfocused. I actually think about one subject for long periods of time, but I understand when I communicate with someone I have a lot to say to, this may happen.

I am afraid of his judgments. I sent him an email telling him I am trying to put more order in my life, I want to marry, etc. I also blurted out a lot of male rights issues stuff, and some other thoughts. He responded very quickly. I am still somewhat afraid to even check it so I have only read in part. I am afraid of his judgment. I think he's an authority but at the same time not one I can always feel comfortable around. I feel small around him, but it's not anything spoken. it's just an energy. I feel so little in his presence and I want him to see me. In many ways perhaps he's like my father that is not my father.

Anyway since I am getting into circumcision truth and want to be active in spreading awareness, and he's the president of the hospital, I think this could be a way that I communicate with him. Since it is sometimes easier to provoke people into revealing emotion. Yeah that's it. He reminds me a bit of that character in Anna Karnenina- her husband. he never expressed emotion. I wish he would express more heartfelt emotion, then I could trust him. So I may try provoke him to some. It's funny how like a woman, like my beloved ex girlfriend I am becoming- and maybe I have been like him.

It is good to recognize this. Toxic shame is devastating, but again there is no denial. I will should circumcision from the rooftops if I have to so that people can't avoid it or brush it aside. That is the most common response. I wrote my parents a difficult email, and my dad only responded with a short email saying I should get out and run or something to take my mind off things. He avoids being provoked by being forgiving, and brushing things aside. There is nothing better than forgiveness, but is that true forgiveness where there is no meeting of the minds?

Let this thread just be where I rant, because I have a lot to get off of my head, and I will keep coming back to it. Thanks for letting me do this. No you are very welcome to comment. I just don't expect anyone to follow it. If I have no one to talk to I can talk to the keyboard.

I probably have a lot more to say but I don't know when I can say it. Day by day, step by step, we come along. My path to healing is I guess two or threefold. The one side is processing grief and coming to knowledge. Knowledge equals grief but that leads to awareness and eventual psychological health. The other part is the physical- healing the foreskin. the third part is the social. Grief though seems to be the experience of the month. I guess it is good I go all the way down.

I want to say something about it. I am not in denial any longer. I am aware. And yet I realize I still am in denial. I still block myself from feeling the full loss. I can't feel it until I'm ready, situated. I pray God will let this come to me, where I am capable of really coming to terms with it all and seeing it crystal clearly. Often we accept something painful as a truth, and then we flip flop depending on mood or circumstance. I think that's a natural state. We can still function in society. I think our minds direct themselves to eventual healing, in due time. We have to think of daily progress, direction not speed. But I think we are not as aware as we often give ourselves credit for. I am aware and I realize I am depressed deep down. I have never been a depressive person like this. It is a cloud in the back of my mind and brain. I really want to dispell that cloud. I wonder, all the negative feelings and states I have held in the past- how many of them, and my frustrations, could somehow be correlated and connected to that surgery that delivery day in the ward? I can only wonder- but I can keep wondering, and wonderment is a powerful tool indeed. The more I wonder, the more I realize, and the more insights I come to have. I really do wonder- my negative feelings and semi-depression at other times in my life- I wonder if that could have been connected to the loss of foreskin, and the after birth trauma I experienced as an infant.

I wonder how the circumcision event affects memory. I think we men should become more aware of the hospital environment, the hospital terminology, the language they use, the mannerism of the doctors.

There are so many videos and blogs on foreskin I need to yet read. Yet I just can't. I am not ready to be any more depressed at this point. I still have my current account of depression to deal with. I wonder if all this processing is somehow cashing in my blessings. Napoleon Hill says that within every failure lies the seed of an equivalent or greater future benefit. he didn't say in it lies the actuality, but he said lies the seed. This is similar to what Kubler Ross says, I think, that those children who have suffered have also gained something. If I do have a seed of equivalent or greater benefit, I want to find it and get it. What the heck might it look like? How can something really compensate for this? why is this problem so special anyways? At least I have food. Some people, while intact, are starving, or missing an arm or leg? Who am I to complain or be sad? Who tries to minimize or dismiss my sadness but the people who know they are responsible for it? Who am I to argue against my mind, my feeling body, my body which wants to tell me something? I am tired of toxic search for approval among people, especially those who don't serve my needs, even if they are my flesh and blood. They took a piece of my flesh, like shylock wanted to do. I don't have a responsibility to them or their feelings of comfort and innocent. If I tell them the truth and they can't bear their feelings of guilt, what is that to me. They shouldn't have done it but they can't force me to stay bottled up, can they? That would just further the abuse, wouldn't it?

God sees all and rewards all as they deserve. God is just and we humans cannot see in full. I believe he has a plan which will somehow in the end cause every knee to bow at his wisdom. But for now I am confused. Anyway I can sleep now that I've gotten a little off my brain.

[AnonL]

The first materials I started with besides manual is cross taping (to retain, and also get used to having stuff on your dick, because it's uncomfortable at first), and T-Taping. As for the depression I hear you. It's especially hard in the beginning, but over time you learn ways to deal with it. Good luck on your journey for healing.

http://adult.eskimo.com/~gburlin/restore/image.html

http://www.restoringforeskin.org/blo...-t-tape-method

[swordofpeace]

Is it any wonder I suffer from depression? Is it any wonder I feel used? When I learn that they sell my most precious body part for cosmetic uses to make a huge profit? They profit off pain and misery and the destruction of sexuality and even the family, all for a little money and for people's vanity!

What am I to make of this? This is something I can tell my parents, who don't want to hear about my circumcision. And sometimes I feel like being a good little boy who doesn't bother them or rub this mistake in their faces. But I know that is not good for dealing with grief. I know that cowardice doesn't help anything, not when I have an honest emotion to share.

Good grief. What the hell is wrong with the medical profession? What the hell is wrong with society? What gives society, or parents, or the doctors the right to think they can do this.

I'm a christian and now I am struggling with the God of the Old Testament- why he would require it of Israel's children. That doesn't make any sense, so now i struggle with faith issues. I understand Abraham circumcised himself as a sign of a covenant. I wonder what Sarah thought about that. And yet at least that was done as an adult with his knowledge. To have it done to children, on their 8th day I believe. That doesn't sound like God, but who am I to question the potter?

The more I learn about this issue, the more I feel like I am getting down to the real cause of a lot of issues in my life, and understanding myself. Alice Miller believed that people take to philosophy or abstract ideas because they want to avoid their issues of pain. Circumcision is certainly one

I read about a woman who had her perfectly healthy 8 month old child intact child cut-and how she noticed a complete change and withdrawal of a happy and alive boy. How can people recommend this? Then one anonymous user posted basically trying to shame and bully the bloggers, trying to manipulate their feelings. The other commenters came down hard on him but it bothers me to know that these people exist. They cannot be dealt with on a rational level but must be dealt with on the emotional level they exist. He is probably trying to avoid his own grief- or else he works for the hospital as a surgeon or a pharmaceutical company? I am tired of men not standing up for this, and for my mom not being like the mom in the article. Ultimately I have no power over other people, not my parents or anybody but that's fine, as long as I gain power and freedom in myself to speak the words I really feel and not the words of one who kneels and cowtows to these people, that is a good start.

No wonder I am depressed.

I came to the conclusion that there is the natural path a boy is put on when he is born. It is a much easier much more sensual and automatic path towards life's ends and joys and relationships and fulfillment. Lucky bastards. They have it easy, they just do. Life is not perfect for anyone, and everybody has problems and being cut is only one problem. But I think it is major, and they have less emotional trauma, less shame, less depression. If they compare themselves to cut people, it is probably a much more superficial level of shame. How could it not be? I am sure ours is much deeper, much more hidden. They also enjoy the sexual benefits which lead to greater pleasure and bonding.

Now when we are cut- at whatever age, but especially sometime as a powerless child, we are put on a second path. That path can also lead to joy and fulfillment, but there are so many more obstacles, and so much grief has to be gone through. Maybe it spiritualizes us, a bit, to the extent that any trauma and loss can spiritualize someone, if they go all the way with it, to deal with it and process it. I don't say this as a justification. That's why God did it to Israel. He wanted to spiritualize them as they were a chosen nation, but I object to the fact that it was done to babies. No wonder they often rebelled against God. I always wonder how their particular cuts differed or were similar to ours in the west. Were they cut so completely as we are, or only a wee bit? I mean now that I learn how doctors have to pull the skin away from the glans, it makes me wonder how they even decided this was a worthy operation. That fact alone would cause a rational man to hesitate in the procedure, but not those who are seeking profit, upholding tradition or religious beliefs, or are just plain psycho, sicko, sociopaths. Circ doctors are sociopaths in my opinion. No wonder the world criticizes american men I think. They don't understand our trauma. I really do envy intact men and not just for their foreskin, but for the experience they got in life that we did not- a more wholesome family life. Less depression.

I believe not only that a child can feel even after it is born. I mean who cannot believe this? Only the idiots who want to justify their harmful practices. This should be so obvious. People say animals can't feel. What the f-k? These people make no sense. But I go farther. I believe that children can even feel things like humiliation and indignation. So I believe that when a boy is laying on the operating table after the surgery- TOTALLY OBJECTIFIED- and has to stay there for hours or days exposed- I believe he is probably internalizing his status as a man in the society or family he came, he is probably suffering humiliation and self-shame. If not, at least this is retro-active. I suffer it now on his behalf- but I think even he suffered it. The little me. Poor little me

Now I know in part but as I learn more I know in fuller and fuller ways. Things that have to be understood intellectually now start to be understood with immediate clarity and perception. I just look and I know. I can visualize the doctor doing it to me- in part- having watched a video online.

All of this stuff is difficult to drink up, but it is much more difficult to avoid. It is so profitable to drink up, but I need strategy. Fortunately I am in the right time and place to do it.

To those who want to minimize the issue, or make comparisons with other 'more important issues' I say that by what measure you use on others, it will be used on yourself.

It makes me cry inside that they sold my foreskin for profit. Did they even tell my parents? I certainly will. I already have been losing respect for medicine but this takes the cake. They do not seem to me to really care about health, or ethics. They have so many questionable practices. They want to overperscribe, they downplay everything natural, diet, etc. They avoid 'prevention' except when it comes to some form of preventative surgery. They are evil or sick men and I suffered at their hands. I was put on the second path. What's more- they want not only our money but also our respect? Why are we paying these masters to lord over us? We should only go to the hospital in emergency or for something serious, and even then we should go with skepticism. We should try to take health into our own hands as much as possible. Then they would like to charge for putting the foreskin back on. Personally I would like to see them all on their knees, begging for forgiveness. It is the total reverse of things. Enjoy your home mortgage and going to the steak house with your family with the blood money of baby foreskins! A fire must certainly be reserved for you.

The second path is difficult. It involves a lot of difficult communication, grieving and processing, self-education, networking and gaining support, regrowing and tugging, and it involves doing social work and faith work. I wonder if it is possible to make something really truly positive come out of this.

I won't stop till I get to the very very bottom of my depression. Until I have woken my family up, circumcized all of their hearts completely. I'm not saying I'll succeed- I'm only saying I won't stop. I can't change people, but I can make sure they understand my position and have my voice in their head, if they want to have a relationship with me.

Of the two memories- cognitive and feeling or bodily or implicit memory, which transcends words and abstractions, the implicit goes much deeper and is more primal. I think the body keeps a record of all the memories and feelings it has ever had. A little serious pain and suffering at a later stage doesn't do much harm. We get over it and shake us off. But I believe that this sort of pain (and loss) at this sort of age and time is highly traumatic- plus we bear a permanent reminder of it. Plus I occasionally suffer soreness after orgasm or friction that extends all the way down to the bottom of my body, near my anus. It is not pleasant. Thanks doc.

Only by reaching the absolute bottom where these secret affects of shame and pain lie can anyone hope to be made emotionally whole. I am sure that restoring oneself really helps in this. There was an amazing testimonial on norm.org where the person described the metamorphosis of body mind and soul, and his retreat from intellectualism towards sensuality. Healing the physical scars I am sure can heal the affects. But I don't think it's necessary, though it takes doing what I'm doing. It takes stirring things up. Something about me wants to succeed in this preceding my success in restoration, because I want to achieve the effect of causing a stir. That is why I am posting these things. I want the restoration to just be the icing on the cake.

I will never get my rigged band back, or my pheremone sources or estrogen receptors. I would like to learn more about them, but I will in good time. That makes me really sad.

To get beneath all of these affects and emotions is a richly rewarding and powerful experience, with a ripple effect of benefits socially and personally. I find that to be true and I have only just started. Circumcision trauma and loss is really one of the deepest if not the deepest trauma and loss in my life as i'm sure it is in most people's here. Cat Stevens was right: "The first cut is the deepest". Dealing with other painful emotions has helped prepare me for this, but now it's time to go straight towards the center- and take down the medical establishment in the process. I am provoked. They asked for it, they awakened the beast.

The circ trauma is probably the deepest, most hidden, and most painful, and yet it is probably not alone by itself. The other later traumas and issues- and we all have them no matter how we deny them, probably had their roots at least in part in the circ trauma. Original traumas and losses often beget other traumas and losses, or exacerbate them, make them more intense.

But hey- the doctors got their cut right? They got money and the pharmaceutical companies are happy too, right? Why can't I just forgive them and forget about it? I surely will of course, but that is the timing fallacy. That is the end result of a process, not the beginning. It is asked by people who want to avoid the issue, or continue the practice. It is very insensitive to do or say that. People often want to avoid their own guilt, but in so doing, they just prolong the suffering and pain of the other, and actually make themselves out to be the victim for suffering guilt. I would be so happy if my mother had a permanently broken heart because of it, like that blogger. maybe she does, but then I hope she would be conscious of it and able to share her feelings. My mother cannot share her feelings very well, so she resorts to shaming and blaming and histrionics.

See how this issue of circ is allowing me to see more clearly and come to terms with other issues.

I'm just a disposable male, who cares? Society doesn't care. They only start to care when it affects their public image or their bottom line. Still they do not care at all in the heart. Jesus said that the greatest among you must be servants of all. that's how the heavenly hierarchy works. But on earth people are going around wanting to be masters of others, rich and famous and powerful and glorified. I tell you the truth, if there is any truth to the bible or the afterlife, that we, if we continue in the grieving and healing process- we are the ones who are going to be glorified, and these people are going to be shamed.

They cut our bodies and wounded our flesh, and that affects our soul on a deep level. But the cut did not actually enter the soul. We can regrow our souls as we regrow our foreskin, although this can be even more complete. In fact it can be made beyond what was taken- like a tree that was pruned, can grow even better. We can just ignore and deny what has happened and become criminals, sociopaths, aggressive angry men or passive men going their own way, passive withdrawalers, but that is a choice we are making, not what the doctor made for us. Our bodies suffered great loss. Our souls were wounded, bruised. Our emotions are deeply affected. Our ability to sexually bond is influenced. This can find another route perhaps in grief and deep communication. Women get sad and depressed too, and that is a good thing. That is a sign of love. But our souls or spirits- they are not wounded. They may actually grow. That is the only one way I can see God as having been able to justify child circumcision of that one particular nation in that one particular dispensation, for the sake of his plan, although still I struggle with it, believe me, even to the point of questioning the faith altogether. And yet I can't deny that when circumcized and when one deals with the trauma and loss, it does seem to spiritualize. Or is spiritualizing oneself a pathology, a sign of anti-sensuality and anti-life?

Interestingly my ex girlfriend thought this. With whom I had a few sexual problems- although great sex overall. or good sex. Or pretty good sex. At least I gave her orgasms. clitoral ones. Ok, I can see how she was wounded by my circ now and also our relationship. It is my desire to contact her and communicate not just this but other issues, and maybe we can restore our relationship, maybe not but at least find deeper connection. It was already a very very difficult relationship for other reasons of age and compatibility, but also real love. But she thought I was both in my head and into religion and spirituality. She wishes I was more in the body, enjoying myself in life. I had been at times austere, with some fasting but not around her. I think she means regarding sexuality. This is why I do this. This is why I write this and try to discover. I discover links and truths between problems. Otherwise without this awareness, we would just have depressing and disappointing lives and relationships, limited to the level of knowledge and awareness. This is really just me growing up and becoming an adult in the matter.

It's time also to address my envy and self-image. I have envied intact men. When I was studying in Prague for TEFL I met beautiful czech women. If I would have gotten with one of them, they would have noticed me. I have slept around in the past, with a few foreign women, and actually one in the states, in america, in college. Not many and I regret this lifestyle. However nobody said anything. They didn't say anything but I really wonder if they were thinking it. I would have appreciated them saying it, then I could have started the process earlier. At that time I had no real full grasp of what circ had done. Only when in my late twenties as I started to do other emotional work did this idea start coming to my mind- of it's own accord without reading any other book or work about it or hearing about it, aside from Sam Keen's Fire in the Belly. I still can't remember what he says there about genitial male mutilation, but I know it's from a very anthropological and philosophical point of view, not a functional one, and I can't remember it though I've read the book 2 or 3 times and I remember other parts of the book very well. That alone is interesting, is telling.

The unconscious mind always avoids ideas and emotions before their time has come. Yet if the girl would have told me about it, I would have maybe been able to deal with it.

I do have an inferiority complex, with foreign men in general, and intact american men. I think they are different in profound and subtle ways physically and emotionally. I think they are more sensual and natural and have less trauma. They still may have been traumatized though and can still commit great acts of evil- i.e. holocaust. But pain in all forms begets pain. Hurt people hurt people, and traumas go on forward.

It amazes me how many men don't seem to care- or actually resist. I call them sheeple. Well that is because they have bad shepherds, and don't have time or power to deal with their grief. But they are opposing us in our work. They are even to this day sowing seeds of confusion

I will feel much better in myself when I don't feel inferior to others. I don't know how I can't feel inferior- sexually inferior. For loss of function, and if not for that, at least for the pain and soreness I sometimes feel.

I will be better when I go to the deepest of my depths. It is important for me to be able to see and perceive the truth with clear eyes. It is important for me to be able to know automatically the difference between me and intact men- and when we are engaging in conversation- about something normal, perhaps a girlfriend or relationship or sex, it is important for me to know what they have that I don't so that I can account and adjust for their different attitudes and experiences. They must feel like kings and princes. I feel like a fool sometimes. A suffering servant.

Again I say after all the depression, one becomes spiritualized.

But I also wonder about anger issues and such and such. I have minimized these in my self but every little thing has a cause. Occasionally I would have violent thoughts in my mind, or just generalized anger or anxiety about nothing in particular- for example while walking down the street. Where do these issues come from? Certainly not completely from circumcision. From issues related to deep affects. I don't say i's all about childhood, but I say it is all about deep affects and implicit memories and repressed cognitive memories. What else can it be about? Degrees of learned helplessness! I didn't do anything about them because I didn't know what to do. Actually I tried. I tried to feel what was in my heart at the time, the affects, to stick with the bodily feelings in my heart, and see where it led me. But they go so fast, they are so quickly fleeting and hard to catch down when they occur. That is why learning about this circ issue as a deep issue is so helpful. Generalized anger and anxiety and stress- I think that sounds like learned helplessness, PTSD, violation of human rights, shaming. Shell shock, or should we say 'knife shock'. One woman posted about how learned helplessness and PTSD were symptoms of circ. See, it's knowing these things that give me the power to talk to people who might otherwise be suspicious or doubting or minimizing, like family and relationships

Anyway I've written enough here now. I have more to say and do. There is always more. I am probably not even 10 percent finished externalizing my grief, and I will not be finished speaking until childhood circumcision is illegal everywhere, including the muslim countries of the world. TY

[swordofpeace]

Hallelujah! I can have my faith back it seems! My faith remains intact. not only intact but stronger! At least I can have that, at least something stays intact! Like Victor Frankle taught, when man has faith and meaning, he can deal with any trauma or loss much better than without.

And I can still prophecy judgment against self-professing Christians and Jews, who practice modernized routine infant circumcision, assuming this seemingly well researched info is correct! It seems my intuition was correct. Recommend people read the whole article.

http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/christian.html

[swordofpeace]

To the last poster, I found the link worked, and there are two other great articles I know about online. You can find them I'm sure.

I'm not restoring that much yet because I am waiting for my piece to come, my double tension. Instead, I'm doing grieving and researching. The knowledge=grief.

All my life I have been plagued by grief and envy. I could never pin it down and it only surfaced at times, but it has always been there, I understand that now. I could never pin it down because I am a man and we are not given shit in this culture.

We are given the crumbs from the table, and while I had a father who loved me and a mother who tried, well and I had security and many blessings, unfortunately many of the other blessings, the more natural ones I was denied. I would rather have been a poor man in the phillippines or somewhere with a right to sanity and wholeness. However, I am not too quick to speak. I've been to india and have seen bad things, and also I know about Africa and so on. The antidote to envy is gratitude, and so I have to feel gratitude.

But it is not healthy to suppress what's there in the name of being a 'good little boy' and virtuous choirboy. We have to face the truth. And the truth is that just because others suffer also doesn't mean we can auto-minimize things in ourselves. Minimization has to end. Minimization is the enemy of grief and change, and grief is so essential.

Now I am finally getting into deep grief. now it is finally happening. I have studied it a little bit when I studied psychology but I have never been able to find the source of my trauma. My trauma is ongoing because the loss is ongoing and while I can restore some, I can't restore it all. Also my mother- she is emotionally dead. I realize that now. I never had an attachment to her but only judgment and fake bullshit. I realize this is another area for grief. From my father I got weakness, not strength. Niceness and kindness and compassion but not power and authority. I can't minimize what I lack in the name of recognizing others have suffered. Now is my time, the time for my baptism, the time given over for me so I can be whole and help heal others.

Everything I learn brings me pain, so of course I want to keep learning for as long as I can. Really it just brings up pain, like water from a well. And the well is deep. Deeper than I imagine. I realize how blinded most people are. I realize how blind I was and how blind other people are. It's like my eyes are starting to open. It's like learning the truth about circumcision is like stepping out of some matrix or some collective hallucination. Studying this far and wide in every aspect and angle, I think it is one of the major issues of our time with far reaching consequences in many areas of life and family. I even like the word "fallout" to describe it. For example we are pretty sure it traumatizes the brain, in the limbic system, amygdala and other areas. It is related to PTSD and learned helplessness, anger and rage and envy in adulthood. Whatever these things are causally associated with, circumcision helps make those happen.

Whatever things rougher sex are associated with, and less sexual satisfaction by both partners, that helps cause it. For example breakdown of relationships, or family discord

Whatever is affected by lack of emotional ability, circumcision helps cause it. I have worked hard to learn to deal with emotions. I believe I am guided by the spirit.

I really believe that circumcision is affecting my brain at this moment, as I type. I also think that my relationship with my mother is affecting me at this moment. how do I know I have not fully let go? Because I am still afraid of making her angry, or what the family would say if I sunk her into a depression by talking about my grief. Well that's what I want to do, that's what I actually intend to do, because I believe she needs it. I believe she needs depression so that she can face the truth. I believe we all need depression, so that we can be lifted into joy. The bible is clear on this subject- grieve mourn and wail, turn your laughter into mourning and humble yourselves to the lord. Blessed are they who mourn. Nowadays we are existing on a bubble. I wonder if this is related to the economic bubble. If the world is a dream, a thought, I see why not. Most people operate on the material plane, rationally. That is a nice place to be but there is a deeper reality that few see.

People are blind. We came from European stock in america, and europe had the dark ages. Before that pagan Rome and apostate Israel. Before that pagan culture. Did we ever have a free world? I think we only gain glimpses in it. I think the whole of creation groans for release.

I want to be free to plunge my mom into the depression she needs. I fear a shaming of myself by others, such as uncles or whatever. For once she felt a depression, and it was really bad. I don't know the details. I would like to learn about that. But whenever we try to lift our own selves out of it, it doesn't work. Better to go along with it.

I know people are stuck in bad habits of thought, and false assumptions. We need to correct our thinking and enlighten our minds. We can't really do this ourselves. What we need is the spirit.

I am losing the ability to lie, as time goes by. I am also losing my fear. The worst fear is fear of being shamed. It is as if one is still a little kid, a little boy who can be shamed by the big adults who know it all. we must become free before we die, so we can enjoy the fruits of adulthood. I don't believe in making one's own rules or going one's own way. I believe this is a trap. I believe in submitting to a higher authority. But I don't believe in submitting to the lower authorities, which are those of the flesh. We have to become free of these, before we die.

My brain hurts. the more of these posts I write, the more is expected of me by the spirit. It's not enough to keep re-hashing old thoughts and going around in circles. I have to get wiser, stronger, clearer. It is not a struggle. Well not that much, not more than I can take. Step by step up the mountain of life.

Changing subject a bit, I'm thinking a lot about Gabriela. I wonder if she will get back to me. I wonder if I'm ready for a relationship. A part of me suspects I am not ready, because I fear to bring disorder into her life. A part of me thinks I will get married to her but my heart and love has to break through all the barriers of fear and ignorance, and it has done many already. I am not even sure she'll give me another chance, but if she does, then what?

I'd like to try my restored foreskin on her. not only because I love her but because we would really see the difference from last time, and share in the progress. But mostly because I love her.

more intellectually now- I think people are often sad about the wrong things, as if they are trying too hard. I also believe in false memories, memories of traumas that didn't happen. Does this prove that the person was not traumatized? I think the case is opposite in fact. This proves there is something, but the defenses are still working strong and working on masking who or what the real issue is. In other words it provides a diversion. I say this because some people will accuse others of making a big deal about a little thing. They may be right but who are we to judge the inner state of another? Why would people make things up? Just to get attention? That's a cynical view of the other person.

I guess people are traumatized in different ways- this man that way, this woman that way- and they interlock in different ways, doing the social dance. I am thinking not about lovers here but about political adversaries. Is there a difference anyway between a lover and an adversary? Often there is an attraction.

I wish I could get to the bottom of my grief. It is a mystery where I will be when I am 80, if I live to be 80. I wonder what I will be doing. I wonder what kind of world we'll live in. I wonder what kind of foreskin I'll have and whether foregen will have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. I'm 30 now.

I used to be into extreme things like raw food diets and travelling around the whole world. I knew even at the time these weren't the answers I was looking for. Mainly, faith was the answer, first in the abstract and then faith into practice. And the second answer after faith was wholeness in life, and body and healing emotional trauma. I always thought circumcision affected me in some way. Now I have the knowledge to validate it and so it opens the doors to my grief. Jesus prophecied that nothing hidden will remain so forever. It all will be revealed in the end. Things are being revealed, no matter how much forces are trying to resist. They are trying to circumsize africa. I heard that Bill Gates, in his legendary grants and "donations", influences (determines) what topics and points of view get represented in the media and such. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but... people these days don't make it easy for me not to be. I'm not one but, money talks, and power corrupts. But I heard him give a talk about education in the schools and he seemed such a gentleman. Probably he is but he's duped. He's an expert on computers but probably a fool on human biology. that's how specialists sometimes are. Probably he was circumcized himself, and so wants to repeat the pattern unconsciously, because he hasn't worked on it. If I hadn't worked on it, I might want to. I still am tempted to castrate others. I shoudn't say that. I'm not really tempted but I have violent thoughts sometimes. When violence is done to a person- and it was done to me as a baby,then it tends to result in violence coming back out. It's called the violence escalation cycle. We need to stop it. That's why the gospels and Jesus example is so powerful, even to nonbelievers. It must be powerful. (remember everybody, the idea that eternal hell is even biblical is controversial and I myself am not a believer, but that's another subject)


You know I believe the circ trauma as well as the ongoing loss results in something of a mind-body split, or it is a factor in that, in being outside of the body or temptation to intellectualize. Maybe I am wrong but Gabriela always complained about this in me. I do sometimes 'escape' to it as I do to "fantasy". Well I look at the jews and how they have been circumcized and how they are a genius race producing so many legendary minds. Well my theory is that from such pain in childbirth with an otherwise relatively healthy or normal upbringing- and living in communities rather than isolated tends to be rather healthy- results in the phenomena of transmutation- or turning a curse into a blessing. For me I think it is becoming less about intellectualization and more into a circumsized heart and an ability to contain a larger share of spirit, emotion and empathy than I would have had

I am only scared of what would have been if I didn't deal with this. The same nerves that conduct pain can conduct pleasure, right? The more something hurts when done wrong, the more pleasing it is when done right. So we must get it right. If I get this transmutation thing done right, that could bring blessings, but if I don't, it brings curses.

I want to go through life open to life, in every moment, ready to face the true issues of the moment without aversion or side stepping.

I don't know what else to say. I am staving off depression for a while writing all of this and hopefullly I'll make it into bedtime before I get lonely.

Oh yeah that's another thing. I tend to not feel lonely much but then occasionally I really do. I guess lonely is the right word but it needs to be clarified. It is more a feeling of an intense need for connection and understanding by an object of love. It is an intense need for witnessing. I guess this need is a little narcissistic. A little? Well children have natural narcissistic needs and if I didn't get those needs met it follows it still must happen. It can be part of a healthy relationship, but it cannot be the basis for a relationship that you hope to be real, that you hope to work. I see why so many relationships fail. The character of the partners is to blame. We must spend all of our time working on our characters.

Characters are sexy. Character is key. Character is more important than skills or understanding. Character will be the cause of getting those skills, in due time.

Why does my heart beat? Why does it still want to? It does, but why? What for? What is it going for? What does it hope to accomplish, do, realize or experience yet in this life?

I have to get over my fear of shaming. have I come this far and learned all I have and still fear shaming? Well what I fear shaming about is making another person depressed. That's not a small thing. It goes against every ounce of chivalry and earthly carnal mindedness. I imagine that is what the prophets had to deliver, as a message, and it was so difficult to do and how could it be received, when the people wanted to celebrate their victory, their riches, or else enjoy themselves and deny the problem, deny their underlying grief. Wow, honestly the bible makes so much more sense to me now. It comes alive. The prophets had to deliver a message of grief and a call to mourn. That has never been popular. I wish you could see my eyes. I am trying to do this to my parents. this will not make me popular but the spirit prods me. My own self-respect demands it.

I learned from Gabriela one thing- the power and the art of provocation, provoking people when the're not being genuine or not in their true selves. Well I still have to practice it but I have nevertheless seen it done by a master. I have it internalized, it just needs to be activated. Well I will learn to use it and do it- in my prophecy and communication, to those who need it, who are riding on emotional and moral bubbles. In fact this is another skill of the prophets. They make nets with their words to ensnare all with no chance of escape. I am a netmaker. I must provoke people to show them the truth of their nakedness. Isn't that what John the Baptist did? But I'm sure he at least had peace of mind and self-respect even if he lost his head.

now I fear Gabriela won't accept the new truths I have discovered. the solution to that is simple. Focus on the relationship, and let the truths just flow from their. If the relationship is healthy, then the information will travel through- including the emotional information. I don't even have to try. In fact it would be better if I didn't. I don't have to work on persuading anybody anything, even my girlfriend. But if this doesn't work and she is still blocked, I can simply provoke her. Provocation is the real solution, much better and healthier than abandonment, which I have done, or withdrawal, or passive aggressive coded communication, double-mindedness.

I love so many of the women online. They are serving as great role models for women who care about what men have gone through and suffered at the hands of sadistic butchers. I can want whatever I want, and what I want is that the women in my life also feel this way. But I cannot change anybody. I do not have that power and I never will. All I can do is keep wanting. that desire is justified, it needs no justification or defense. But I have to be aware of the reality of the situation, which is that people move with their own spirits.

I think I will always perhaps have a fire in the bottom of my soul or brain, sort of like Apostle Paul had a thorn in his side. This may never be taken from me, but will drive me on to speak and act. I do not boast in any of my good words. I cannot boast. It is the thorn or the fire that is doing it.

So I am feeling underlying loneliness at the moment- read need for witnessing, validation- even though I didn't feel this in the last 2 days. It comes intensely but now I see it at a distance. I don't know what I can do, at a distance. Maybe I can lay down. it's always worse when it comes by surprise and hits me when I'm not watching. Now I am watching, and I'm unsure of what to do. Obviously I feel something in my heart. I feel a deep sadness and betrayal and grief and depression. I feel a flatness in my heart, a closure. A hopelessness and despair. I know someday I will laugh at the despair. Like today. it felt so real for so long, who knew it was just an illusion. that's what I mean- we have to get on top of these emotions. Now bedtime is not too far away. I might do my remaining internet bullshit and then hit the hay. I just hope my life is leading somewhere. I am depressed inside but I think I would be much more depressed if I were bill gates or warren buffett or John Lennon.

I am depressed that penis circumcision harms women in at least ten ways, according to a website. I am depressed that my penis is now not simply an instrument of love and connection but can result in wounding them, giving them urinary tract infections and soreness and roughness. Actually now I understand- the tightness I always felt at first upon entering, that was due in part to me not having foreskin. I always expected that women were meant to be wet and moist and lubed naturally, to facilitate us rough naturally dry and tough men, and that sometimes women fail in this regard. Now I am so sad because I know the truth. The truth is that we fail them. I apologize to the women for letting the doctor cut my foreskin off when I was a baby. I guess I couldn't resist his smooth persuasion. I should have just had my mom take me back home right there, and take me to her house and breastfeed me and put me in the arms of grandma and everybody else and say how proud they were I was born healthy. I wish .. i wonder if I passed out comatose. I bet my subconscious mind knows it. I wonder if I got pain medication. I wonder which is worse. I wonder if my mom knows and can tell me. I wonder if she can tell me whether I was different in personality before and after the circumcision. I wonder if babies feel humiliation as well as pain. My feelings say yes I was humiliated. Even if i wasn't, I can feel it in retrospect. I wonder if my mom will ever share all this information with me about the days preceding and leading up to circumcision. i wonder what she will be able to tell me. I'm sure she'll tell me it when I ask, at the time I am mentally ready. I wonder what is the cause of my shortsightedness when I have studied that it is caused by mental tension, and sometimes my eyes see better than usual. I wonder if someday this will relax and heal after I deal with deeper traumas. I wonder how my mother affects my relationship with my girlfriend, or girls in general. I think it affects it especially when I am unconscious of these issues, but I think I am becoming more conscious so it is affecting it less and less. I wonder how Enzo is doing at foregen. he seems highly motivated to find a cure. he knew what it was like to have one

I feel castrated, not ball-wise but sensuality wise. Again I keep going around in circles, saying the same thing. But deeper, higher as we go on a spiral stairway. that is how gabriela spoke. The same issues again and again but I felt it was always deeper, closer to release. Until every last penny is paid.

I wonder how I would be if I didn't have the time and money and energy to deal with this issue of circumcision. For the grace of God I do. But I will have to work alter. I wonder how that will interfere, and whether I will be ready for work and teaching. I really hope that the restoration changes my personality for the better, so I can fit in better with people, and german society, which I love. I wonder if my package will arrive here in Turkey with no problem at customs.

Ok the awful call to prayer is breaking my mood and it's time for bed and this is long enough. I will not miss those evil disturbances of the peace. sometimes they go on for over 10 minutes- I checked.

We have so many scars. Lucky bastards those who aren't mutilated- which is almost all Europeans and Canadians and others, and also almost all american woman. Kind of makes me feel like we just don't belong in the club. Like it's a special club of natural being and sensuality that we are denied from. For whatever reason. because we are men. but then again so are they. because we are american men. Stupid white male, right Michael Moore. You are self-hating and truth hating and ungodly you fat man. Go on a diet. Sorry I am full of anger. where else can I vent?

I love everybody but i have anger in my heart. it's toxic ideologies that put men on the bottom in our society and that allows this evil practice to continue blindly along. We must deal with the larger issues that are the field or environment in which the particle or issue of circumcision exists. The field is the toxic atmosphere towards men's rights. To me, at least, circumcision is the main issue for men, the main violation of their rights in our nation because it happens to almost all, whether they want to or not, the majority and it is so destructive and because they didn't do anything to deserve or merit it, whereas everything else it could be argued they could have at least prevented a disaster, like in marriage or the courts or false rape. So while I'm not denying those are bad and wrong and we need to fight those, the babies are the most helpless and this, at least when I was born, happened to a majority of all baby boys. I don't think life is fair. But I think many who are first will be last and vice versa. Even we who have suffered have to be careful not to be vengeful or vindictive consciously, or else our reward may go down the drain and be lost, like our foreskin. peace if possible. grieve and mourning, lamentations. a healthy state of mind rather than a toxic pursuit of happiness which is not possible in this life at the moment in this body