Depression

[swordofpeace]

Thank you whoever responded. Your words really help me. I never expected such. I generally cringe when I read people's replies to my posts, like I have a love-hate with posting, a fear of being 'found out' or caught. So you are providing a counter example of what should be. This thread will continue. It could go on for pages and pages over the course of a year- as long as it's necessary, as long as it helps. I'm speaking of it helping me, but if it helps others, that's really amazing. I can't believe that.

I checked out your article on depressive realism. It makes total sense to me. Depression floods out delusion. I actually find that those who aren't depressed, living in the world that we do, really are depressed. That's what I mean being on a bubble. So while they may pass as not being depressed on the scores and surveys, they really are. And then there are the joyful, the rare, which is me sometimes. Does that make me manic? By no means! that is just a system they invented in the medical practice because their worldview is flawed. It is biblical. Depression always turns to joy. I don't think we should have any other state. How can we have joy if we are not sometimes depressed? We will have perpetual joy when the earth is liberated from it's corruption. Some of us have suffered in our bodies more than others. I repeat for the sake of repetition that depression is often caused by being a victim of something or someone, and is not the same as regret or sorrow over something you did. Depression is almost like what was done to you. That's why rape victims feel depressed. And I have been reading and thinking. I have though that male circumcision is probably worse than rape. I really think it is and I don't care how unpolitically correct that is, it is just my feelings. I don't even have to qualify that by saying how I think rape is also bad. that should be understood. Rape doesn't involve a loss of organs. It doesn't involve trauma to the body as an infant, which spikes cortisol levels so high it's like they're being tortured, and they pass out on the table

The doctors who do this are sick or dead inside. I wonder how they make love to their wives? Maybe they don't. Anyway I am sure they are circumcised. Circumcised men circumcise boys. That's what I believe. But then we have to question how it started in America, when we came from a western history of no circumcision, and bam, all of the sudden it's upon us. Those who first circumcised weren't circumcised themselves? Unless we are talking about the Jews. Now I'm no anti-semite and to prove this I'll say that Gabriela is half-Jewish. Why would I be sleeping with her and loving her, or meeting her friends if I was? However I wonder if the attitude toward Jews in Europe, and keeping them on the margins had a real world effect on keeping the circumcision rates low? I don't claim it is a conspiracy, but I wonder if this arises out of envy and desire to destroy. That's why I really like to hear things like Brit Shalom, which is a naming celebration among Jews without foreskin castration. Anyway if they'd just go back to the Abrahamic practice and not the Rabbinical, it would be much better.

I have been teaching English in Turkey. I got let go of because the idiot school couldn't get me a work visa. I'm sure they didn't try. It was run and managed mostly by women. My co-worker was a woman. I didn't really like that job anyways but I liked having a job and in some ways I liked it and was learning and growing. I left Germany and Gabriela to take a job here. Well that is a complicated story. She's a bit older than me but she's not a cougar, which is a product of feminism and denial. In fact she's the exact opposite, and in many ways she's 'young'. Nobody will understand my play on words there. No but she's German and I love German culture, even if they are intact and I'm missing out. The Germans know how to deal with shame. They have been forced to learn that. We Americans are still trying to shame them though we are the ones worthy of shame today. Seriously. And their system works well. Their economy works well. They can deal with emotions. I'm happy I'll be working there. i want to succeed, naturally and effortlessly. Leipzig here I come. But Gabriela and I had difficulties because I wasn't sure about commitment, partly because of age. Also I only brought disorder into her life because I haven't created enough order for myself. I have found a website that wrote an ebook. It's free. It's actually fairly good. It talks about the need for the man to be an authority and bring order into a person's life. They are paid for the order they bring, loved for the order they bring. When they bring disorder they are cut off from society's blessings. Now I know that sometimes society worships a different order- a selfish order, an elitist and sadomasochistic order, of radically different values, but it's order nonetheless. The book also talks about how to train oneself to accomplish something. It says, don't focus on the outcome. Focus on the form. Practice the form again and again. I have only gotten half way. It's not pua and it's not mangina stuff. So it's the blend between them, almost like being a real man, although I"ll disagree on much I'm sure. But he distills some principles down.

So I have to be like this when I go to Germany. I don't need to be a leader. It's also great to be a good follower, or a good assistant, and lead when necessary, lead through service. That is what I've always tried to do. I guess I have been confused about my direction or haven't had the skills that were in demand, or I'm not sure. We live in a Matriarchal/"alpha male" society. I believe alpha male at least among humans is just a construct and doesn't really match our nature, but is really just elitism. They use these words but I don't believe it's what really happens on an animal level. It's not the same. But we live in an age of power and women. It's not a man's world. They say it is to justify their power grabs. Some people are almost professionals at justifying their behavior and elite group preferences, almost to the point of shaming. Have we not been castrated enough? Little girls are growing up in a culture where they think they are entitled to everything- and it is because nobody chastises them, nobody teaches them. How are they supposed to learn the truth? Again we come to the issue of the bubble. The bubble will crash

I am listening to Pavorotti now. I have been listening to him and Handel and some of Bach's cantatas. Of course I envy them all for being intact but they all make music I appreciate.

I really think men in America and elsewhere don't know what they are missing, are unconscious, but on some level know they are missing something. This especially shows up when they meet a foreigner or an intact man.

I agree with what you say- trying to grow up in a culture where everyone is intact. That must be painful! Well, not you are restoring. That will heal some of the shame and cover some of the loss. I know not all. I know not all.

We get to learn the lesson that we are not omnipotent, which is one of the reasons why depressed people see reality better.

I sent a long email full of facts and links to almost everyone in my contact list, because I want to be a serious intactivist, help save a few children who may be saved, and because I just have to share. I sent it to all sorts of people, family, friends, people I haven't seen in a while. I told them it was a difficult email, but not for me, for some of them. I told them why I was sending it, so they can learn, because I think it's my moral duty and I want to break the cycle. I told them I know I can't change other people's minds but I can be sure people know where I stand on issues and why I believe what I do. I sent it to some mothers- including my cousins and so on, who I'm sure have boys. I told them if I wasn't sure I should send it to someone, for whatever reason, I decided to do so anyway. I told them that if someone feels guilt, that is just not my responsibility. They have to deal with their own guilt. So I sent it. I got one reply, from Esther, a Dutch natural vision educator, who isn't a mother, and I think she'll be supportive.

I think what keeps this going is the silence. Besides the mutilated men who want to mutilate their sons to heal their pain or else deny their own trauma, I think the main reason is the silence, which keeps people ignorant. I want people to know where I stand on the major, important issues. Otherwise if they don't, have I done my duty to God? If I reach just one or two people- like my married friends, who don't have kids yet, and save some boy, just one boy from becoming cut, that would be worth it in my soul. See, I am greedy. I want to capitalize on every opportunity I can find to score points and do works of good deeds, so when I die it will be on my list. I am greedy and the harvest is great. The bible teaches that God loves everyone equally and we don't earn his love or salvation. And yet I think it also does teach reward for our works, within the context of salvation. And remember, I don't believe in hell, for reasons found at hopebeyondhell.net and other places. But I am greedy for good works. I'm not going to sit around and let other people surpass me. I am envious of intactivists and people who change the world, so I must do what I can and make my claim. The best place to start is where you are, with the people you already know. They will give you other roads to go down.

Only things like this help me forget my depression. TV would never help me forget. Only very little have I been truly foretting by watching some fun videos on youtube or something, but that is rare and short. But it is or may be good to have some diversion and lightheartedness. it's like food. If you must eat alone, do so quickly and simply. Then if you eat at a banquet or with company, you can enjoy your food more. What's the point of entertaining myself? What good is that? I can spend this time growing in understanding.

I have gotten on mothering and parenting boards now. I am learning a lot. Circumcision is always the real issue I go to find because it's the real issue, but I also learn other things. I learn about attachment based mothering. I wish I would have gotten that. She doesn't leave her baby except a few short moments with her father. One lady Aubrey said that if you don't expect to give them breast milk, keep them intact, and do no violence to them, you are not giving them their childhood rights. I had the idea that parents don't own their children, but children should be the owners of their parents.

I sent my mother another provocation-rich email. It was all pure truth though. The only thing I'm provoking people with is the truth, never before verbalized.

She is dead inside. Like a lot of the people int he church. They are like stones. It is so hard to get them rolling. I tell them a bunch of things, and they give little response back. They have no pulse.

I read somewhere, I think on angry harry's website, that organizations find the directors to serve them, that will serve the organizations interest, and not the people's interest for whom the organization is allegedly made to serve. Well I'm thinking about that even from a church perspective, even if the church is tiny. The preacher here is in some ways like a cartoon. I have not yet decided to provoke him, although it could come to that. It's just like people have their programs and nothing can sway them. Their programs are not our programs, although they'd like us to believe they are. Maybe they are even deceiving themselves. There's a reason Bush (or Obama) was chosen to be president. He is probably a sincere guy, but that doesn't change the fact that his program matches the interests of those who selected him and not necessarily of the American people- though he may believe it does. There's a reason Ron Paul was not elected. The corporate citizens didn't want to vote for him. And it's also women who elect the president, I'm sure. I know the German women loved Hitler. I wonder if this affected the men's view of him. This is a dangerous thing to think. Like Sam keen says, we have to break away from WOMAN before we can really relate to women or be free. I think most people have not yet done this, maybe I have not done so fully.

I could write so much more. I'm bored and depressed. That just means I don't know which particular subcategory of circumcision to study now. Also I have these narcissistic needs that I hope someday to be met in the context of a relationship, maybe with Gabriela. I'm always hoping. I'm always putting it off to some future day. Well what else can I do. I work on character development. James says that suffering produces character, or something to that effect. It produces perseverance. I haven't eaten all day. I just haven't thought about it. I didn't eat much yesterday. I read about the baby who didn't breastfeed for two hours after the circ his mom put him through, even though for the hour before he was waiting to and wanting to. It is hard to grieve and eat, to be depressed and drink.

I never thought in my wildest thoughts that the circ/restoration forum would be my place to find healing. I tried all sorts of other things. Years ago PUA forum, later raw food forum, also psychology forums. I mean I mostly try real life communities but I also go online to talk to people of a specialist mindset on narrower topics than most people in real life want to participate in. But the epicenter of my grief is probably my circumcision, followed by my mother's emotional abandonment and society's abandonment of men generally. I wonder if there's anything else I'm missing, any other major lack I'm unaware of. I know birthtrauma if any is probably insignificant compared with circ.

Incidentally they kicked me off that raw food forum since I am no longer like them even though I support them and eat very few animal products. Even though they believe in 'natural hygiene' and what is more NH than leaving a boy intact? So I posted about circ an they cut me off cause they told me they didn't want me to. I did get some good positive responses. It's always the leadership of things that is terrible. Anyway I'm happy to be out of there. It makes a great break and change of focus for me. But it strikes me as literally inhumane to have a subforum called "speak up for the animals" and when I try to speak up for the little boys, men and women who must love cut men, nobody seems to care. They care more about the animals and their own egos than they do about humanity. I do in a way feel lower than a dog. Some women often seem to care more about their dogs and cats than about their sons. Or they just assume they have given and are giving all the care they need. They just assume. I found a 34 paged mothering forum with women sharing their regrets over having their boys operated on. I'm going to read every page and every post. I want all women who have done this to feel this regret and sorrow every day. Many do. That is the best thing ever, when they have to live with it also! Mothers and fathers should have to live with it

Anyway another day in the life. I feel I could probably be more productive if I didn't have to grieve ever. If I never was circed I could right now be more involved in the world, doing something. On the other hand, this will maybe deepen me and push me into some other good work. But when fasting and grieving, what gets accomplished? They should know that when they cut up boys mercilessly they are probably doing damage to their culture and economy as well as families. The family hasn't been really healthy in our country since when? I don't even believe since the 50s. I think that was a superficial society or the beginnings of it. I think since the 40s or earlier, judging from pictures. And while I think there are undoubtedly many factors, I think the rates of circumcision back then were probably much lower. I dunno. I just try to understand everything as best I can. Peace everybody

Gerald

[swordofpeace]

Time for another installment. I am depressed again. I remember first coming to this forum, what less than a month ago? And yet how much I have changed and grown. And yet I'm back to where I start, with the same issues and problems. I will always be anchored to this grief, no matter how enlightened I become or how restored I become. I mean always to mean in this body, in this life. Perhaps foregen will work but I don't want to get my hopes up

Yeah I have been on this forum pretty intensely for the last several weeks. I started doing my tugging and putting myself to work in that regard. I have learned about some other things. But when it comes down to it I can't avoid my grief, my depression, and when I can't talk to anyone, or when I have nothing to say, I talk to this blog

My circumcision really ended up affecting my last relationship for the worse, in numerous ways, and that is a cause of depression, sadness, grief. I heard that depression lowers testosterone. I disagree. I think chronic depression does, but when it becomes acute, and definite, then it is the opposite. I'm at the stage where depression will turn to peace and stillness, but in the mean time I am feeling it acutely. I will never have true peace or at least I'll never be free of this source of grief and trauma. That being said I'm aware that it is also a potential source of gifts and knowledge, if I milk it as I am now. From Jesus's scars came his power. They took some things from me but they didn't take everything, and the things they didn't take are mine to claim for myself, with which I can sting them hopefully. I do believe they will be crushed. Of course they will be liable, someday. I believe the universe or the creator or the universe is just. Merciful but just

I am confused lately. I don't know what to do with my time. I need purpose. I become restless. I become confused about what to do, how to do it, I feel my feelings are blocked by resistance or something. I need direction, guidance, like the spirit left me. Now, typing this it feels it's coming back. I'm being brought to the present. It's always hard dealing with deep anxieties, because they always push back against the conscious part of the mind that wants to integrate the trauma. They say "no you don't" and it has to be fought. I like, I love the psychanalytical model, but only when it doesn't include the developmental theories.

If I lose something, I Have to gain something, that's the rule. I have one bit of consolation or source of hope. When I get into a relationship again, I will be conscious of the effect of lack of foreskin, and I'll be able to communicate this. Maybe I'll even elicit sympathy, or even grief. I know women can suffer deep grief in this on behalf of their lovers, and even themselves. I don't really want sympathy in a pity sort of way. Well yes why not, but only when I'm in position. I mean fetal position, with my head on their lap.

I may get back with my ex. I want to I think. I love her. She is beautiful. She is older, but she is the farthest thing from what they're calling 'cougars' than anyone I've met. She's also a trauma survivor from her parents and communist prison. But she felt abandoned by me. I felt restless. I feel like sex could have been better but I don't know why. I mean she was totally sexual, and responsive, and I did my best, I gave her Os, but I mean vaginally. Now I understand. now I understand the mental confusion aspect of circumcision on the person and on the couple. Now I understand sexual soreness, sexual ambivalence, or even just less sex drive, on resentment. I thought though that maybe I was the more ambivalent one because I didn't get as much pleasure. She got pleasure, but through oral sex mostly. I loved doing it but it was always the same pattern, and got boring. Oh, my theory is that with a circumcised guy, one partner or the other tends to be resentful and have the problems with sex. If the guy is an insensitive bastard who just puts it in and pounds, then it will be the woman unfulfilled. If like me they try hard to please with all the tricks, then it might be me that's unfulfilled. She even said some nasty words to me that hurt. And now I know that circumcision can lead to blame. Blaming and shaming even. Well I still think there may be difficulties but if both parties are conscious of the damages of circ, and both agree, then I think the damages are minimized.

I will restore. I am restoring but it's slow going. I tell myself that I grew some new cells today. I can't see the difference visibly but surely there are new cells that weren't there before. I am doing mostly manual at this point though I have DTR and I'm getting TLC. I have little skin to work with and lots of time

I still don't believe what I've learned. I'm still in denial. This cannot be true. I'll wake up from the nightmare shortly and I'll have to explain it to my partner, what crazy things I dreamed up.

I'm tired of living in 'waking consciousness' and I think I know the reason why I always go to that state, of obliviousness and stress and superficiality. The reason is other people. The reason is groups. There is a precious state of mind that arises when you arise in the morning from bed, and it is fragile. The world ruins our mentality by it's preoccupations, it's noises, it's distractions. It seems very hard to find a defense against this, and it is so subtle. One has to live in the woods like Henry David Thoreau.

I read so much but now I can't read, because I have to process that which I have read. I don't want any more facts. I want the big picture, how it will affect my life, where I am headed. This circ issue has turned into a big thing for me, taking down what happens to be left of my faith in the US government and medicine. Big gov, big med. What happened to their brains. I think what we must realize is bad things happened with the baby boomer generation as the first generation of stupidity after WWII. and Yet who had this generation circ'ed, who raised them? Was it none other than the so caled "greatest generation"? "Train up a child in the way he is to be, and when he's older he'll not depart from it?" Or "as the twig is bent, so grows the tree"? The pre-WWII generation: I fail to see how you are not to blame? So little is known about you by me. I'm sure all that I might read about you is extremely positive and idealizing.

What a bunch of BS! I know at one time Americans were hearty. At least I want to believe that. We were hearty and good. I know not all, we killed the natives, but not all of us. We were still decent, we were still healthy, we were farmers. Now we're a bunch of city folk, city idiots. The banks may have had something to do with that, and the great depression. Things may be starting to make more sense now. People get stupider when they go to the city. That makes them more easily influenceable. Moreover, they also I"m sure become both less healthy and stupider when it comes to health and medicine, because they have less exposure to animals and nature. They'll let the doctors do whatever they tell them. This is just my theory. So if the bank foreclosed on their farms, then the banks have a hand of guilt in this. Everything is connected, but few people trace the connections. I am only speculating. But people are drinking up their television, their boobs and cleavage on the electronic fantasy box so they can forget how miserable they are and numb to emotion and make money to pay their bills. I wonder where they get deep satisfaction from? How do they get on with their wives and husbands? Are they alive emotionally? Everytime I return home, I see things that were there all along that I missed, that I really love and appreciate: the nature, the few groups of good people, the co-op, and there is a nocirc group in my state I guess as well. But I also see in general how blind the majority of people are.

One doesn't need to live incredibly aware to live a decent life, if you have a family and a decent job and you show love and respect to your partners and you raise healthy children- that's wonderful. But many do not, and I'm talking especially about those who do not, cannot relate emotionally to their own husbands and wives and children, or who plop themselves down on their biggest financial investment in the house- the television home theater system, the envy of their friends, but not of me so they can be programmed from new york and los angeles. So they can drink up television advertisements. Even disregarding the content, let's look at the context- the emotional bursts and spurts the commercials are designed to put them through, the cheesy catchlines, the short attention span before switching frames or themes, all of these things, and the focused attention to a narrow box, when they aren't even paying attention to their fathers. Which generation first started watching a lot of tv? I'm sure it started with the news and the saturday cartoons. News is no excuse. who really needs the news? That is just a stupid addiction also. Any important world events your friends will tell you about. Invest your time in book learning and you'll be able to interpret the news better.

All of this bs adds to my depression, I guess because these are the voters. Or these are the people who don't vote, who let the women and feminists vote, or who vote with their dollars to keep the system going. I wonder what trauma are they trying to avoid, watching all that tv? Maybe the circ trauma is at the bottom of a lot of it. I have a rule I think is true in a lot of cases. The thing that controls a situation or a phenomena is something that is not talked about in relation to it, or which hasn't been identified. Circ hasn't been suggested in the mainstream as a cause of emotional numbness or isolation or phobia, difficulty dealing with and expressing difficult emotions. So maybe this is a controlling factor. We have many theories of what causes emotional numbness but nothing seems to help, does it? So those theories have to be weak, don't they? I propose getting to the primal wounds, the wounding of the penis, the breaking of the baby's Ur-Vetrauen, original life trust, the onset of shame and humiliation, or at least the maturing boy regresses to that when he's older, when it dawns on him what they did.

I still have hardly peeled back the layers of the onion in my own self. I could write for hours. I have gotten little release from this post, although I have gotten some. Actually I have gotten much but it just goes so deep, it's only a small percentage and I feel there is so much more. The words really do write themselves.

People are so free with knives when it comes to other people's lives and bodies, but they refuse to take the spiritual knives to their own hearts.

I feel like such an idiot and a fool, and not because I've been cut but because I can't face my true self. I am blocking myself, I am defending against things, I am getting tense, putting up resistance, playing games, getting preoccupied, distracting and interrupting myself. I am not a pathetic loser, I am a decent person but I wish I would stop playing games and face reality. The defences never let up. I may not be ready yet, or prepared. I still have to learn, to shift, to grow, to grow skin, and then I will be ready to see

This whole restoration thing falls under the category of putting more order into my life, both physically and psychologically. Order is what I desperately need. One thing that makes me sad is how much time grieving takes, which would have been useful for doing other projects, creating things, etc. I have to spend all this time integrating the trauma, trying to over-come myself. I don't care about the money my parents set aside for me. I don't really even want it. I want to be independent but that there is a struggle, especially growing up in the modern man-hating man-dis-advantaging world. Sucess is still possible but it require deep consciousness among other things. An intact psyche and foreskin would have also helped. I am working on it but restoration will take a long time, maybe three or more years to get to the end of where I want.

and that's the other thing: I'm looking forward to various milestones but for now having done that, created that expectation, I have to get used to the idea of the long haul. I have to buckle down for the long journey. I don't want it to be a journey. I want it to happen swiftly. Not because I am in the instant gratification generation, but because I want wholeness, now! I want function, protection, is that so bad to want to be whole?! If I was building a business I would be ok for it to take time, but this will have to be a long journey. But it will come. It would be good if God or the spirit would give me the ability to lose track of time, and just float above that whole paradigm.

Hmm, it is a paradigm isn't it. One day our society may even leave that paradigm. time exists, certainly, because clocks work, because calendars work, but our sense or feeling of need to keep track of it and monitor it and be bound by it in our minds- that is a paradigm. It's like we want to control things- even the seasons

Why doesn't she email back? I've only given her a half day but if she loves me still she'll email. If not I have to let her go. Do I though? I mean we were intimate! God didn't design two people who were intimate to abandon each other. If they were intimate, they bonded, and if they bonded, ,they were one, they were each others'. So she's mine and I'm hers. Do I have to let her go? Why can't I chase her down, pursue her again? But then again I have to get over my barriers, of fear, of disorder, of all of that. We keep going in cycles. Everything is a damn cycle. I hope when I'm (finally) restored, so many of these cycles are broken down.

I'm working on it! I'm working on it but it's not working for me. You're damn right I'm impatient. I've been working my whole life on this and how little I've come. Thank God it doesn't take 10+ years to restore. I might not have even bothered if that's the case.

I want to take a shit on the president's desk, leave him a nice little present, see how he likes the smell. not like it does him any personal harm.

I just want to be a humble servant. I just want access to my own heart and mind and feelings, is that too much to ask. To be able to access purely my own self without having to work through anxieties and traumas and resistances? If I have pain, great, I have pain. If I have sadness, great I have sadness. If I have joy, great I have joy. What I hate is having to justify to my body or my subconscious that I have the right to enter my own regions! Or do they belong to someone else? I must have been really really shattered. This really would work as effective mind control (trauma based mind control theory). Please, I ask my higher self- just stop all the resistance, blocking my path and my progress. Just let me have access to my feelings whatever they are, and my memories. Eventually it must happen, it's like the devil's keeping me out, and we have to overthrow that strong man in the desert, on the mountain. I submit myself as usual to God. Give God the glory. Time for bed, hormone recharge. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take. Oh that was an old one from my youth

[peterpink]

Many of us understand what you are going through. I never thought I could survive awakening from learning about the damage done to me by an ignorant doctor. I became very withdrawn and although I had the support of my wife, she did not and still does not really understand the depth of despair this causes to some men. I lost interest in all the things I had been interested in and even 5 years later none of my earlier interests draw my attention and enthusiasm like they used to. I think having a job helped take my focus off my grieving for part of the day. How I kept working I will never know, but I did. Perhaps having a routine where you are forced to interact with other people helps.

In some ways you just have to sit it out and let nature take its course. It may help to get hold of a book on grieving as this will help you understand better what you are going through. Grieving takes time and there is no set time as everyone is different. Some find writing helps or keeping a diary. Keep away from pro-circ sites, articles and videos. I found writing my story out and restoration definitely helped me to feel more positive. The brain needs time to reorganize your model of the world. In a way it is a similar process to people who have left cults or religion and have to be deprogrammed. Keep writing your thoughts to this site. Expect good days and bad days. The waves of grief are huge to begin with, but with time they become smaller and appear less frequently. Best wishes.

[swordofpeace]

Thanks Peter. I agree with what you say about grief. I've already prepared myself over the last several years reading tons of psychology including grief psychology. I feel I made what I needed before I ever discovered how wrong circ was. Now I just have to tell my story, externalize it, re-organize my model of reality as you say.

Interesting, you lost your interest in things you were formerly passionate about. That's kind of how I feel, but on a much smaller timeframe. I used to be so into learning languages and increasing my knowledge of history and religion. I guess I don't care about that anymore, least of all languages for language sake. All that did at times was strain my brain and give me headaches. not headaches but brain strain, mental strain and agitation. Doing this grief work and circumcision focus does exactly the opposite- it reduces strain at a deep level. But I do have to go out sometimes and do something I the real world other wise I get restless. It's so interesting how you say that even five years later you haven't re-gained interest in old things. It's like they are just overshadowed, right? Like they pale in comparison? Well we are all on life's journey. I think the most important thing an also the most difficult and also the first step, is coming to terms with what we lost, and fully being aware. The internet helps with that. Pictures, stories, studies. now since I am physically affected, I just want to be as psychologically de-affected as possible. Not that I want the waves to get smaller. That I want the tension to get out of my body. My cock area, the anxiety and protection guarding stance, the tension. Grief work is important but true grief work is also body work because in the body are the memories. Another way to put it is the body is the subconscious mind or connected to the SCM. And grief work and body work must also be connected with telling one's story. I just want to be psychologically and physically released from the tension, and made aware, so that if I have to suffer loss of function and pleasure, I can at least do it in a relaxed state, in a mind of light and consciousness, not with deep inner tensions in an over-protective state. No wonder I'm over-protective of my penis area. From my birthday they did something wicked. Do I not have a right to consider all doctors evil, except for those few who aren't? Do I not have grounds for considering them as a class to be a bunch of pharisees and hypocrites, parasites, and vampires? I already knew this before I knew about circ but what I learn about both childbirth in america and circ, now I know that they- they may wear white coats and blue surgical uniforms but they are really sadists and parasites, institutionalized, glamorized. When I am honest with myself and not defending them, and when my perception is purest, I have to admit this is true. I don't know if it's the same in other countries, like Germany where I'm going. I would hate to hate on the doctors there and overgeneralize just because of how things are in America. no, I know they don't circ but do they over-prescribe? Do they know what the're talking about when it comes to health creation? Are they only in it for the money? Do the dentists put mercury in their fillings? are these common to the world or only America. I don't want to hate on people without reason

[swordofpeace]

Ach, I have to write. I have to externalize my thoughts. It is because I want to talk to my ex girlfriend. I know that sex affected and maybe ruined our relationship even though it was so magical in other ways, we have a magical connection. You know it brings me great pain to recognize this but whatever will be will be. I want to restore as soon as possible and show her the great sex that arises, the magical ecstasy that I read about in the sex as nature intended website. I am disappointed and grieved, because I feel in some ways married to her, as a person, as two became one. I know she loves/loved me but she doesn't trust me and she's weak emotionally, out of balance and she doesn't want to go crazy. She is sensitive but she is such a nice person and she's also strong. She argued with me sometimes, she started arguments, and we both fought, and I think if we had better sex this wouldn't have happened. Now I am grieving

I'm just realizing the deep links of causality between my worldview and behavior in the past and in my circumcised status. This is very sad and very difficult to learn but I want to know all of the links, I want to know the truth. Do you understand? Most people are only vaguely aware of the consequences, even here I think. I want to go all the way and be enlightened about it, no matter the grief it brings up. God or nature doesn't make emotions by accident and grief is definitely an emotion. Grief and sadness is only really painful I find when we can't find an outlet for it, when we can't let it flow. That's why I am writing this. If I could talk to my girlfriend maybe I wouldn't need to write this, but I can't talk to her, so maybe I can write this and gain insight, and then I can be more ready for her in the future.

I think the circumcision affected my life worldview and behavior and ambivalence towards relationships even before I met her. I think I was always intimidated by a woman's sexuality and I never knew why. Now I think my penis status had something to do with it, or everything to do with it. I guess I didn't feel as pleasure-receptive capable. Maybe I was always more 'spiritual' and less 'worldly' because I lacked the organs of sensation. The ridged band and the keratinized glans. Organ incompatibility and when I get ........




Holy crap she called. that was not what I expected. We had a long and varied and interesting conversation. I loved that we got the chance to connect. I loved that we got to talk about so many things and she took my ideas seriously, and we got to connect each other on some level in the mind and heart. I got to introduce my ideas about circumcision and sexuality. It is a lot to take and I have to be patient. I am sad because I don't know if this will go anywhere. I don't know if it should. I will probably obsess about this. I feel like she's my wife because I bonded so much. But I have to be able to give her what she needs, and I feel like I can't really do that. I mean I need to give her time. That's what I should just stick with at present, because she said we'll talk later. That is what I must focus on- her first need, time and no pressure because no that isn't what she needs at all, she can't deal with me all the time, I need to give her space I need to let her be, so she can come to me. See she called me when I wasn't expecting, see if I could just trust, if I had more trust and faith. why I have so little trust and faith in the female gender?

Ah yes and I also learn how I was rough during sex, I knew it. Unfortunately one of her last lovers, an Italian was intact, and yet he still did rough sex so she thinks my theory is not fully sound maybe, but she took a lot of it in, she learned a lot. Like I said she can't take all the information I have learned and processed in a month and absorb it in two hours. I really have to do myself and everybody else a favor and just stop being in a hurry, stop having this mindset mentality consciousness of scarcity of time, you know but with the one you love and you feel desperate- desperation is off-putting and I have to deal with this- maybe there is a hidden pocket of grief that is causing it and when I face this deeper sadness that is undiscovered then a new world will open up for me a new power because when you face grief you open up new powers, and sometimes she said I was childish, like with my laughter sometimes, but I told her that's not the true me it's just a bad habit I learned somewhere growing up or in college around the people there. She is so ah what is she? She She is a human being but the one I am so emotionally connected to that I always obsess about but not in a fantasy way. See I even obsess about her when I come to know her flaws, and weaknesses. I just obsess about her flatly

But I have to deal primarily with my grief so I don't force her to deal with it and the behavior it produces. I have worked with grief about circumcision and that will always continue but I have to work on all my grief in all areas or I give the devil my power. We don't want to give the devil my power do we? No we don't. We want to take control. People here may think I'm on drugs but they don't know how the subconscious mind works. They want to cut and dry everything up and seal up the contents of the book of the mind and spirit. They only allow these type experiences of consciousness to occur when one is on a substance, in certain situations, definitely not in every day life in waking consciousness, they want to keep us straight. My challenge, what I have to do is stay busy, stay busy but not just for the sake of being busy. I have to stay productive but not just productive but busy with my time but not as one avoiding something but as one doing something productive, walking on the path, dealing with grief, getting into myself. If I don't do this, if I am not busy I will stress other people and who can I better stress but her?

Partly why I email my parents hateful things is that when I put my anger onto them who are the cause or root of it it helps me to stop displacing it onto innocent victims in society or becoming passive withdrawn. When I face my issues of my past I stop displacing them onto innocent lovers and she really gave me a lot and really opened me up so I want to now give her space to process and to live. I don't want to pull her from her life. I only want to talk to her when she feels it is fulfilling and rewarding and not when it takes away from her life there, which she said in an email that's where she wants to be with her mind. I am happy with the conversation but now that I got everything I wanted I have to get my heart up to speed, I have to move my heart forward. Now that I got the first step I have to bring myself forward and raise the bar, continue on the journey. My brain is full of confusion still and grief. The best way to get order in ones mind is let the mind do it itself, to let the mind go deep into itself- follow the grief trail. Follow the pain trail. our minds have deep inner pains from old experiences. From root pains, and if we can get to the root or as close as possible we are doing ok. As time goes by, working on these things, we get deeper and deeper, clearer and clearer. We stop being distracted by other things.

Now intimacy brings you straight flat up against another person's mind and also against your own as being mirrored back. That is intense. Intimacy is intense and so is commitment. I think I have proven I understand her better. Not just want to be a good lover but have real and true better deeper understanding, because of the questions I'm asking about her feelings, about sex, about things. about sensitive things. I think she'll realize this as she goes over the conversation in her mind during the night and the day and so on. So I think this is good. But again I have no idea if we are compatible. That is the problem, the problem of compatibility. She is a bit older and she worries about her age,and whether she can have children. I'm sure she has fears and doubts about this- about whether she can give me what I want, and so she feels inadequate to please me and also fears that I will leave her. I think I have to comprehend this more. She has always been telling me certain things but they have not registered on my antennae so I have to be more mindful of this. You should all help me see the truth. But here's the deal she is a bit older than me and has had many relationships and this is like my first real relationship so like I have little training or experience, but I do have book knowledge, however good or bad that is. I have thought a lot about these things but I have never really experienced them. So when she tells me about these issues and problems in the past, I could not register them because I was unperceptive, but now I am seeing things, and also dealing with my grief helps me understand other people's fears better, and we should never minimize another person's fear because it seems silly to us, for do we want our fears to be minimized? I just want my eyes opened. I want my spirit to be full of discernment. I am envious of her older Jewish Israeli friend though also happy for him because he's a nice guy. I learned that he was not circumcised. It's not as if he had the best life, he was born in Poland, and his parents were sent to you know where and he lost them but he escaped, but not to minimize that but he has his foreskin and I don't, in a country where almost everyone is cut, but maybe not the russians or the polish.

Yes I have to deal with my grief. What about when all my grief does not revolve around circ? How am I going to know how to find it and access it, when I don't have articles to read and forums to go on? That's why I ramble on here on this thread. Maybe she is right about how I sometimes come to her when I am bored. Well that's all the more reason to prove to her that that's not the case. How do I prove that? Not by fighting my urges, and not with super powerful will power. That is the wrong way which will fail in the end and result in frustration and tension. No, that way is pathetic and will never work. No I think there is a better way- the grief work way. Grief is an emotion with a purpose. I knew I would always hit this up but I never knew so hard or that now would be the time, these would be the days or what the context would be or how it would change the relationship with my family. But there are no accidental emotions. People push aside grief like it's an accidental emotion, but it's an essential helpful useful amazing emotion, and we need to welcome it. always. Always. Always

So as long as I can be in the space I am now, in my grief, that means I am not acting out, which in this case means bugging the woman. I don't want to bug her but when I do we can consider it as 'acting out', because I already know she'll call, right? She has proven that, right? She has proven she thinks of me, right? She has proven that and I ought to trust her, right? If I want to be trusted, can I actually go around not trusting them? Trust must be a two-way street, right? Now I feel the jab in my heart. Wow, now maybe I understand. Where did I learn to not trust ... whom? Women? Loved ones? People close to me? How should I even frame it? But no maybe I learned somewhere along the line not to trust a certain group or type of person- maybe women, maybe partners, maybe loved ones, maybe anyone close to me and so I push away everyone who gets close. This is why I write so much because so much surfaces. By the way I AM NOT IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW because as usual my body reacts and does strange and funny and wonderful things. Grief work is also body work and I can feel the feelings in my heart and body. That's how I know I'm on the trail. Now trust. I can't trust anyone to be this close to me, because I know they will hurt me. Really I don't think they'll hurt me as much as abandon me. Aha, now I realize it. I give it a name. I name it and give myself power and discernment.
G said she has abandonment anxiety. Maybe I have the same. My name is now:
Abandonment Expectation

Thinking about circ I can't help but wondering if this didn't have anything to do with the loss of mother-child bond when my mom had me cut. I can't help but thinking maybe it also had to do with the Caesarian, probably traumatic childbirth as well, which was probably over-hospitalized. My mom thinks I'm crazy I'm sure for questioning my birth all the time, she thinks I'm maybe obsessive, but I like opening up all the seals to my past. I think there is power there, there is insight and freedom. It may be awkward and strange for some but for me it is the way, the truth and the life. I want to open all the seals to the book of my life, and I am worthy to because it is my life, and I want to unleash whatever that unleashes. I naturally use metaphors and parallels, because my mind knows what it's doing. I feel the winds come, the winds of change. I feel the deep emotions and deep tensions.

I have abandonment expectation! That is so true. That rings so true in my mind and heart, and I will now dream and think about it. How can I want to be trusted when I trust and expect that they will abandon me? How can I desire and feel deserving of trust when I can't give it to another? Surely if I choose a good woman, then I can expect trust and good behavior from her. A lot of people mistrust others, even entire genders, but it's because they didn't choose well. They didn't discern. Well I think I discerned well and found a woman of good character. So now that I have, and she has proven it by calling, then I have to give her the grace and the space and trust her and trust that things will be, to let things be. How do I do this without going crazy? The same way I do everything- continue the process, continue the grieving. Even if she called and we talked tomorrow, like I perhaps want, it would perhaps not even satisfy me like today did. That has to be understood also. What would satisfy me is if I grieve and work down to a whole new level, and we can talk about that whole new level.

We always, like she says, have to leave something to be talked about the next time, and like sex shouldn't be forced or it is not pleasant and wonderful, neither should conversation be forced. Hm I have never thought about this but that is interesting. I always found that sexual intercourse was like conversational intercourse, and they run parallel in many ways. So if I try to machine gun my conversation. Now my long tense eyes are relaxing. I have a lot of grief to do which will heal me. Why did it get so sealed up? That is what I'm confused about. Was my family/the USA/my culture/my situation really that bad/that emotionally blocked/in denial? Well all I know is that there is stuff inside of me and it will ruin me for women if I don't deal with it. Toxic stuff. Highly toxic stuff indeed, and the best thing I can do is detox it for them. For myself and for them. Like restoration of foreskin is both for me and for them, detoxing this is both for me and for them. I will tell her that tomorrow perhaps.

Let me never act out. Let me ever be able to go deeper, to descend. to remove the constraints and the obstacles to self-awareness. Self-awareness is bs if a person isn't really truly self-aware, of all sides and aspects including the demons and the griefs and the deep pain and fear.

Again I come to trust. I choose a worthy woman, right? She has proven that right? So I can do my part right and keep myself occupied so that time passes. I know I get excited and impatient for things, like for my tugger to come and so on, but I have to learn to fill this time. And I do. Actually writing this is not only not a waste of time but now the best thing I could possibly be doing.

Trust in relationships. IT must be like the bedrock but people take it for granted, right? or they don't think about it or understand its' role, right? And a lot of mistrust (or trust itself) is the result of childhood, right, and not the person at hand? So if my mother circumcised me, maybe I lost a little bit of closeness to people. I mean maybe I lost trust, because who would I have been closer to in life of anybody, then my mother as a baby. And so right there already we have a deep handicap, and we aren't even talking about the sexual function of the foreskin.

Oh man this goes deep. But I will open all the seals. But maybe another night. I just want to leave myself in a good place for the end of the day, to cap off the day, so I can pick it back up in the morning and run with it. How should I feel? I don't want to be happy about that she called.

I don't want the crumbs from the table mentality. I'm a man worthy of respect, not a child. She didn't call me out of pity. Why did she call me? Out of curiosity? Maybe a little. To get me off her back? No of course she would just ignore me if that was the case. out of interest, and to see if I changed or something was possible. Perhaps. I can think about why she called. That is good, then I am not thinking about myself but thinking about her and trying to learn and be objective. I really must be objective.

Do I also not see myself as worthy? As long as I can get to a sadness that is fine that is great. Some things that I'm just realizing, she picked up on and got right away. Some things I have long realized she is just picking up on. So we both see different pieces. I just hope we can both work together, and both solve the puzzle, before it's too late.

What an experience this is. What a gift of an experience I'm allowed to take part in. God must consider me really worthy. He honors me. She laughed at much of what I said. So . And also I must know that she is still quite comfortable around me. Maybe I have broken her trust by my abandoning her. But I should focus on my issues. Why I do and think and feel what I do. I should focus on working my own traumas and issues, because then I get order in my mind, which is good for her. I just want to turn disorder into order.

She responded. That's great. If she's impressed with my order, great. I can't be the woman in this, I must be the man. I cannot try to convince her to call me or love me or be with me out of pity. Then she might feel affection but not attraction. Now we are dealing with basic principles but we are dealing with them already deep into intimacy, where trauma is involved, not on a street level, but the fact remains, I must be the man who has order and is attractive, non desperate. It was hard then to learn these principles but I succeeded, and I must continue to succeed as I flush out all my insecurities and replace ignorance with knowledge, boyishness with manliness. I was not the man she needed back then but 3 years I have changed so much already so quickly. She says we are always changing, growing but yes I have done so rapidly and positively. She has anxieties about my changing but .. I can allay them all if they are real

All I need to do is focus on order and inner balance. Balance comes when we deal with trauma. Balance I thought was so hard to find in life, but maybe that's only true because we ignore our grief. You'd think that a body-mind that can regulate a heart at it's exact level of output would be able to create more emotional and lifestyle balance with ease. Maybe the problem isn't our capacity or design, as like we realize when we have intact sex, but with that something is amputated or suppressed. Deep grief dealt with may bring balance, simple as that. It sounds so easy and we don't have to worry about ordering everything in our minds like we are decorating a living room. It seems so easy but maybe everything does just fall into place if we just do this

She says she'll never get with me again but then she laughs. ok we'll see how she feels when she sleeps. My job- to deal with my toxic mistrust, which has it's roots in childhood. Maybe even on the birthday. One way to look at it is to not generalize what happened in the hospital from what happened outside of it. I was never ritually abused or mutilated outside a hospital so I can trust people in other contexts. Ergo I can trust her because she's not in this context. That can maybe work.

So much springs from my heart. My God, how much is down there. It's like there is so much infinite mass in the size of a sesame seed 'chakra' center or whatever you want to call it. I don't think I'll ever get to the bottom of it, but trying to do so helps immensely in life. I've never been in so much grief yet I've also ever seen things with such clarity or had such a relaxed and comfortable brain before. I realize how tense my brain has always been. Wow that is incredible. My brain has always been tense. Good lord. Are anybody's brains naturally not tense like this? I mean maybe people who weren't traumatized at birth or in childhood have naturally non tense brains and minds and bodies. I do think people who haven't suffered circumcision have less insomnia probably, and not even for reasons of bad memories but also muscle tension and relaxation, although I'm not even talking only about circumcision. I'm talking about all traumas, for not everyone who was traumatized was done so by circ. But that cutting is really awful for sure, with the gomco.

But wow I have really had a tense brain. Maybe that's what Euroeans see when they look at Americans these days. Our brains are going haywire. We are out of balance hormonally, I think largely due to the stress hormones. I think that is maybe the keystone to understanding that. But I want my brain to experience the relaxation and relaxed state that it was designed for, obviously. I am starting to experience greater, deeper relaxation in the back lower part. Maybe it's called the reptilian brain, but of course I am not a reptile. When this is tense, how can it not affect relationships? It is related to sense of security and insecurity. I guess I have secretly felt insecure towards the world, towards closeness, true emotional closeness and love in relationships. That hasn't been my only block or my main block. No my main block to getting in relationships was not finding the person I loved, not finding my partner. Also maybe my sexual inadequacy from lacking foreskin which I was subconsciously aware of

anyway my whole point to writing this is to go deeper in myself, and so I don't start feeling bad that I don't have her to talk to this very minute. You see I have to save myself from that, from that suspicion. Everything I accuse her of, of being mistrusting and cynical and doubtful- ever one of these things, I see now myself as doing. I have 'caught myself'. Of course I'm the good guy though. I am justified in doing it though, right? I am never the bad guy. America is always the good guy. I only get in arguments when I am right, right? I have reason to mistrust her but she shouldn't mistrust me, right? The trust-righteousness wars.

She has proven that she calls. She called me, out of the blue! Thank God or Allah or whomever that I had skype on. That was sheer dumb luck or fate. Yes I'm going to be leaving it on all the time now, especially around the same time of day, around 8pm here this time. Yes siree. So I will keep busy and keep investigating the things I started to do here.

I hope I pull up all the weeds inside my deeper self. In fact I should tell her that because when I first met her and stayed with her as a friend, I had these same thoughts- that I had toxic thoughts that are just bad, and I need to remove them from myself for her sake, or for the 'other person's sake' whoever that person will be. I became very aware of my selfish and evil and petty thoughts in her presence, even when we were only friends. I had to take walks to think about these things and purge them. She has really made me change, just by her being

Toxic slime, must be cleaned out. That's how I feel it is. I had no idea she would have such a deep mind. Really she has the deepest mind in the world, but she is so modest.

Yeah I can sum up what I have to be in just a few words.

Just be patient. My higher self says just be patient. AAARGH! That's the last thing I can be. To become patient doesn't mean sitting around with thumb up ass. It means doing tugging. It means doing grief work, research. It means opening those seven seals to my past. That means learning why I have trust issues. I have trust issues. It means acknowledging that I have trust issues. Have I even done that? Ok. Here goes.

I have trust issues. I can't trust people, really, in practice closely though I say I do, though I pretend I do. If I did I would be patient. Not have abandonment expectation. Who instilled this in me.

I think I need to explore how my mother and father related and whether this made an impression on me and what that might have been. I think I need to do a serious investigation and analysis of this. I knew it was bad, how they didn't show affection. But have I really analyzed how it affected me and my inner views and state? Whom could I have talked with? What counselor or uncle could I have seen? Who could have been a voice for reality for me? I want to put an end to all the bad cycles, intergenerational everything if that's what this is. Or stop them before they start. Leave them at my parents generation.

See how much I can do while I wait for her to call me again. And why am I waiting? do I not have a future to plan in Germany?

So I go to bed now. bis morgen

[w.o.f.]

Originally Posted by swordofpeace

Ach, I have to write. I have to externalize my thoughts.

Don't hold back on my account. I'm reading all of it.

Originally Posted by swordofpeace

do I not have a future to plan in Germany?

Move here, and maybe we can meet some day over a beer or five.

[swordofpeace]

Hey, I have a good idea for a new medical procedure designed to make a lot of money, plus a way to initiate people into the military cult, plus a way to traumatize people so they will be stupider citizens, cut off from their emotions, plus a way to alienate lovers, and rob men of their sensuality and also women partners as well from a natural sex life. How will we sell it to the people? Remember, the people are stupid. They will believe anything if the elite do something. If we can show it is 'religious' and god wants it. Also if we can scare the with threat of disease if they don't do it, saying it is 'healthier' and giving them a bunch of bs reasons.

Let us take a little baby and strap him onto a board with his legs spread. I think there is a great gap in psychological knowledge, and I think it is a gap that is unpardonable. I think everybody must know this and have this gap filled, but few do. I am not saying I do. I want it filled but the gap very much exists in my own mind. I am talking about the gap where we as parents or adults are so ignorant and clueless about what our baby children are really thinking and feeling. I mean the gap in the knowledge of psychological development, and attachment and trust development and all of these issues, that an infant faces, and a young child. If we don't start on the right path, how do we ever get on it when the child is older, later in life? There is a disconnect. the earlier we get on the wrong path, the farther the train tracks go in the wrong direction. This is messed up. I for one strongly believe we as adults treat the babies not as little people but as objects, and nothing is more clear about this than how we circumcise them. We would never circumcise a baby if we were treating him as a person. There you go- circumcision demonstrates objectification, at an early age.

I am not saying professional psychologists of a certain specialty don't have this knowledge, from their fancy scientific studies, but not only does it not spread to all psychologists, and the general public, but mere knowledge is not enough. We need perception, understanding, direct awareness. I know I lack it but I want to learn it. I love observing babies and making contact with them, not to influence them alone but to let them also influence me. Is this such a hard concept to understand. I don't want to put any of my bullshit into their pure heads. I only want to train them to understand the world and facilitate their own natural development. But I get distressed with what I see going on. I am in Germany now so the babies are intact and so I take that into consideration. I wonder how they would be different in personality if they had been circumcised.

But no, I mean we need to put ourselves in the mind and experience of a child, and what his major issues are. Trust issues, attachment issues. To a child, this may be love. What is love? What is love, for a baby? I am thinking about this- can a child understand "love"? Love to him is demonstrating appreciation to the parent that meets his needs, and is natural as breathing. Being loved is having one's needs met. In this sense, love is based on needs, like one guy said on another site (manhood101.com)

Now what if the baby experiences rejection? Can the baby experience "rejection"? When I use these words by the way I mean the same thing we experience as adults, with the same emotions connected with them. Or do these emotions only 'develop' after the baby reaches a certain age? Even if that is so, could they not be pre-selected by the baby's first experiences- I mean the foundation laid for experiencing a profound sense of rejection as the feeling emerges? Baby's experience in my opinion all of the emotions- love and hate and sadness and rejection, etc. And while I have never been a parent and what I say might be considered as ridiculous by them and be scoffed at, I would say that while babies can experience hate toward others who don't meet their needs, etc, I would say that their needs are primarily very easy to meet, and hard to fail at meeting, if one actually loves them and is psychologically and emotionally healthy (ah, that's where the difficulty emerges). Babies only need food and water and clothing and warmth and skin contact and love and attention in the proper style. But the mothers breast provides several of these. They need bodily integrity. I think a baby naturally realizes his needs are not 'too difficult' but if they are failed to be met, then the baby starts to feel not only helpless but also worthless, or a burden, or whatever. This could be a foundation for low self-esteem later on, or a person always second guessing themselves. Unless we deal with it, our issues, we can never 'move on' and 'grow up' because we also have to 'grow down' and re-parent ourselves.

I think babies can feel all the feelings that we do, including things like betrayal. And shame. And feeling another's disappointment.

They might not remember all of these in their head later, as adults, but it seems like everybody except the doctors and medical profession knows that there is a physical memory that is deeper than the cognitive graphic memory.

I get most depressed both thinking what happens to babies, and the great betrayal, as well as when I think of the women I really love and admire and would like to be with, but if I was, I wouldn't be able to fully connect and give them the sexual connection that we were made to experience- and like wof said, it is not so much about me being able to give them pleasure, but about being able to receive pleasure, so that there can be a feedback loop, so they can feel my appreciation and feel sexy, and if I have a full body orgasm, that would merge us. I get very depressed about this. I get angry at the bastards who think they can just go screw with other people's penises. I even think we are a very penis phobic country, in america. Nobody realizes though we watch so much porn, that the porn we are watching is messed up, the penises are messed up, and I find them a total turn off. I just want this to be de-normalized. I wish the majority of US porn was with intact men, but of course how can that be. The doctors must be loving the porn in america. It normalizes this crap. It confuses people, who believe what they see many times over.

Anyway getting back to babies. Babys have real experiences, too, and that's all I want to say. But that's not all. I want to go deep into that tour. It's not enough to read about what a chicken fajita tastes like. You've got to try one yourself. It's not enough to read about a person swimming in a lake. You've got to try it. So I want to really try to put myself in the mind of a baby going through this. accessing it in my mind. I would like to do it now. This is what I've been trying to do. A baby coming through the womb and out the womb. For me out the C-section, which I'm not sure if it was necessary or had to be necessary. Maybe they put my mom on the drip. I don't know. That alone I should have to think about. If mothers who had csections said they don't feel they really gave birth to a child and that it can't be really their child (not to mention the colostrum that was not consumed or the stem cell rich placenta blood that didn't make it in) I wonder if the baby feels like he wasn't born. I was never born and then I had my foreskin cut off, and then I probably didn't get the breast but maybe I did. I don't feel like I did. Maybe my feelings could be wrong. I will have to learn this fact. I feel my parents owe me this fact and I am not shy to ask but I just don't want to bother with them anymore. I just want to say fuck off with them and send them a message that I'd rather not even talk to them, which is true. They are so stupid and ignorant and in the head. They are so pig headed. They are so going in the wrong direction.

Anyway baby experience. Isn't that how we all started at life? As a baby? Raise your hand if you started life as an adult, or as a boy, or as a teenager maybe, or a toddler? Anybody? Nobody descended from heaven as a teenager or fully grown man? Ok, now the next question is- does our baby experience put in filters in our mind, and thus influence our experience of life and our personality? Well if so, and I think so, then the only way to get at the best experience now, and the best personality, is to go back to that experience and re-program it from before it happened. In other words we need to regress ourselves. I love that concept. Easier said than done though. Life is our regression. We don't need hypnosis or trance or anything. Just talk about things. When you talk about things, you think about things. Plus maybe it combines with the left brain issues relating to the right brain or some other blah blah blah they try to tell us. But talking about something and always pushing the envelope, being at the edge of one's comfort zone, that is what regresses me and some good luck. I am forced to do this, it's not a choice, because otherwise it presses on me.

So now, let's go. Let's take this fully perceiving baby. Can't baby's perceive? Are you telling me babies can't perceive? Of course they can perceive. Have you not interacted with one? Either they can't perceive or they can't remember, or early experience don't affect the later life. That is what these professional con artists want us to believe. But we know the truth. Well we know we are sick until we fully regress ourselves and heal the damage. We can't regress ourselves, at least I don't think so, without an awareness in the present moment of the truth of matters- like circumcision, c-section, etc. likewise, the emotions that surface help to allow us to realize that what we are reading has truth to it, or it wouldn't contain emotion.

Emotions are like freight trains. They are all connected: sadness, joy, grief, anger, etc. If we stop or block one freight car, we stop the whole train and we feel nothing. We must become emotionally alive again- and that doesn't mean like game show hosts, or entertainers. I mean really emotionally alive, like few are. That means, from the heart, journey to the center of the heart, and the balls, for us men, and the (missing) foreskin, and the mind. Journey to the center of everything, of ourselves. Align the chakras. No, I'm just kidding, don't worry. Nothing new age.

If we deny the reality of the baby experience, then we deny that part of ourselves. I always advocate when you learn anything in theory, like for instance developmental psychology, see instantly how you can apply it to yourself. You were once a kid. Well good, go back now and relive your childhood and what you are reading about. Do exercises, like creative writing. See what comes. That makes the concepts less abstract. Everything is abstract that we haven't experienced. Hot air ballooning to me is abstract because I haven't experienced it. I have experienced growing up and a circumcision trauma and all the attendant childhood emotions and feelings, but they are disconnected and separate. I have to connect these thing, make the links. That is where the regression and the exercises come into play. By the natural state of thing, if we regress, then when we go back, then on some level we take with us all the knowledge we have thusfar, and so we can re-organize our nervous system or mind with the best of what we have, without even trying. Just trust the system to take care of itself. All we have to do is "become like a little child again" as Jesus said. On that note I must end, because I am at a bad computer and I would gladly keep typing but it is not the best situation for me now. But We must really become like children again. That is amen, right on the money. That is one thing that can maybe heal our trauma issues although I don't think they will ever be fully healed. I couldn't even ignore them like other trauma victims I believe, because the loss, which is perpetual, goes on forever to remind me of the trauma, and there I am again. And seeing a scarred penis on porn. I'm back to the trauma. This is one of the words crimes that could have possibly happened to otherwise healthy middle class individuals in society. It touches on so many things. Foreskin intactness is at the crossroads of so many other issues- future sexual pleasure, sense of body ownership, relationship to parents, happy childhood and normal developmental intimacy, etc etc. When they take this out, it's like they took away an important cornerstone of a building or arch. So trauma is part of it and I suspect, unlike rape, this one is harder to leave behind, because being raped doesn't interfere with normal function, otherwise, outside of the trauma itself. But even if we ignore the trauma, function is still interfered with in the case of circumcision, which may bring us back to the trauma and frustration. Also stress in life not related brings me back to the trauma or the issue of loss, and the grief. I would say grief (the loss) is worse than the trauma but the trauma is also very bad, but I think the grief and loss is what keep re-activating the trauma. Which is why I hope restoration helps. I don't know. I just gotta accept things. NO I don't. Can't accept what you don't see, perceive, understand, and that's the work I am doing. Can't see or understand without a lot of work, initiative, and people still want to shut me down. They will only succeed in turning me more on! Because they can't stop me on my road to freedom. They limited me and limitation is necessary for freedom, and I need limitation in my career planning. But not in this sense. in this sense, form equals function equals freedom. Their limitation of my body organs was a highly toxic and perverse limitation, which also affected me and my development. I am happy to say that without shame. I too can 'play the victim' but unlike them, I really was mutilated. They do not have a monopoly on victimhood. minorities, women, etc. I learn how to assert clearly my expectations, provide people with incentive for wanting to meet them, and reward and punish meeting them or failing to meet them. I work to make sure all of my expectations are functional, in that they meet everybody's needs as a group, including my own, otherwise I have no right to punish. This is where I don't have to be passive or a victim. I can be a man without sitting by and complaining. However, this circumcision really hurts me and has wounded me. I hate to complain like a girl but that was not fucking cool ok. Now it is punishment time for society. I will have to punish society for not meeting my expectations on this, for having dysfunctional expectations about the male body. Punishment time.