I had a pretty crushing conversation with my dad

[tony12345]

I had discussed with my parents how unhappy I was with my circumcision about a year ago, (having being circ'd as an infant in 1965.) I made my reasons known about why I would have never wanted this procedure done to me, they offered the usually "hygiene" reasons for circ'ing me. We haven't discussed it since.

Well I wanted to know more about how they came to the decision, which doctor was involved, and who came up with the idea to do it, maybe to give me some closure on this issue.

So I called my dad, and we had a deep discussion about my circumcision, and how it has affected me, and how it bothers me everyday of my life. I felt that at 44 years old, and my dad is 79, there is no need to be uncomfortable about discussing sex, and how circumcision affects it. I've been married, divorced, and have a great girlfriend now, sex is very important to me.

In the course of our discussion, I told him that when I'm having sex I really can't feel that much, as the skin is thickened, the glans is dried out, and that is the purpose of circumcision. The invention of circumcision is to make sex more for procreative purposes, and less for pleasure or masturbation. So my dad says he never knew this, and he had friends that were circ'd and they never complained. Dad called the glans the "knob" and I got a chuckle out of that for some reason.

He said the obstetrician said it should be done, and all boys of that era were cut.

So then I asked him if he was circ'd, and he tells me no, he is uncut, as my grandmother would not let the doctors do it, as she was old school Italian and didn't trust doctors, and didn't want them near her babies. So my father and uncles were left intact, along with my now deceased grandfather. I felt as if the blood had drained out of my body.

What devastates me is that my Dad knew what it's like to be uncut, how good it is to be naturally intact, and he let the doctors pressure him and mom to cut me. It also wrecks me knowing that I am different from my father, and can never be like him. Maybe I should have never have asked, and assumed as I did all along that he was cut too.

Well Dad offered his sincere apologies, and says he didn't know, and was just following standard conventional wisdom of the 1960's.

I'm off from work tomorrow, and I have some bottles of wine sitting in my kitchen I think I'm gonna drink until I can get drunk enough to be anesthetized.

[OracleYori]

That's quite devastating.

Don't drink too much though, eh?
I know that talking openly about things helps me.

[Joseph]

I'd say give your dad a break.

Can you blame him for doing what he was told was right at the time?

Now there's no excuse. But then?

I've read this story quite a few times before. At least your father was willing to talk to you about it. A lot of my friends get the "get over it" schpiel. Others don't talk to their parents because they've been excommunicated.

Instead of crushing, take it as closure and accept your dad's appologies.

Cheers dude, I'd have a mug of beer with you if were there.

[greg_b]

Originally Posted by tony12345

...What devastates me is that my Dad knew what it's like to be uncut, how good it is to be naturally intact, and he let the doctors pressure him and mom to cut me. It also wrecks me knowing that I am different from my father, and can never be like him...

Maybe it will help to keep two things in mind.

First, you dad may have known what it was like to be intact, but he had no idea what it was like to be circumcised and no reason to think it would have a negative effect on sexual function and feeling. You said when you described how it affected you, he said he had no idea that was the reason. And doctors back then (and still today) minimize the possibility that sexual feelings can be an issue. And you say he knew friends who had not complained. So there is no reason to beleive that he knew what the effects would be. In hi smind, he probably had no idea that he was causing such a negative effect.

Second, you are different than your dad. You can never be like him in many ways. You are your own unique individual. You cannot be his identical twin. So you have to learn to deal with being your own man. Interesting you say this, because that is often used by pro circers...

Sounds to me like your dad did the best he could for you. He was misled by doctors is the main issue and where I would put my energy in being angry/sad/frustrated.

Regards

Regards

[TLCTugger]

I had damn-near the same conversation with my dad. I too didn't know until I was already restoring that my dad was and is intact.

I recorded the conversation for posterity:
http://tlctugger.com/Podcasts/Circumspect-Volume1.mp3
(it's over 50Mb. Save it to your computer before trying to play it).

[Joseph]

So Ron,

What do you tell people when they try to pawn off the "to look like dad" excuse on you?

[Dachstein]

I know how awkward and heart-wrenching that conversation can be. A while back I finally built up the gusto to question my mother about why she did this to me. She was quite taken aback that I was displeased with being circed, and was even questioning her about it. I asked her why she did it and she basically had no answer whatsoever. "It was just a foregone conclusion. Everyone did it." she said. "Well, sorry" was her apology for giving me a lifetime of sexual problems, self image issues, and the pleasure of wearing tape on my dick for 5+ years.

What I found most frustrating was that to her it seemed such a trivial thing.

[peterpink]

I never had the chance to ask my mother, but I would ask parents:

Would you ask a doctor to cut off parts of a baby girl's genitals? Why not?

If your son was an intact adult, would you ask a doctor to cut off part of his penis? Why not?

Does a man have the right to keep all parts of his body? Why?

Why does a baby not have the same rights to intact genitals as an adult man?

What other healthy parts of the body of a defenseless baby would you allow for the doctor to cut off?

[Joseph]

Originally Posted by peterpink

I never had the chance to ask my mother, but I would ask parents:

Would you ask a doctor to cut off parts of a baby girl's genitals? Why not?

If your son was an intact adult, would you ask a doctor to cut off part of his penis? Why not?

...this assumes your mother asked a doctor to circumcise you. How are you so sure doctors didn't pressure your mother into signing the consent form?

Or worse, take you away without even consulting her?

[peterpink]

Originally Posted by Joseph

...this assumes your mother asked a doctor to circumcise you. How are you so sure doctors didn't pressure your mother into signing the consent form?

Or worse, take you away without even consulting her?

As I understand it my mother was easily convinced for "health" reasons to have me circumcised by a fee-grabbing and ignorant "doctor" and she thought it was something to laugh about because they did it to me twice as a newborn baby. She was naive and too young to know any better.