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Grief Realizing you've lost a perfectly evolved healthy normal body part (or even a diseased one) can hit you pretty hard. We're here to help.

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Old June 6th, 2010
Aspie Aspie is offline
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Default My Circumcision Trauma

I do want to say that I'm sorry this isn't typed out the best however its really emotional for me and I've been up for around 18 hours so if something doesn't make sense just ask and I will clarify as best as I can.


So since we got a grief section I thought it time for me to share my experiences with the grief. Even before I learned I had been mutilated I had already been severely traumatized from the time I was born until I was about four years old, my mother would starve me, beat me, neglect me, I was sexually molested by my step father, luckily I was adopted but damage had been done. My young mind wasn't able to process through the trauma so I would fly into intense rages which left me completely apathetic and I wouldn't calm down for hours I think the longest was about six to eight hours. From the age of eight to to about 14 a cousin molested me again and while it didn't cause trauma it did mess with my mind. Throughout school I had to deal with an abnormal level of bullying both from students and even teachers and it got so bad it sometimes caused small traumas. The reason I brought all that up was when I was 12 years old a cousin of mine wondered what a blowjob was like so he asked me to give him one. When I saw his flacid penis it startled me, an confused me I thought something was wrong with it I asked him why it looked so odd, he calmly explained that his parents didn't have his body violated and it was like someone drove a spear through my heart. When I got done with him I went home and looked up what a circumcision was and what I read and what I saw horrified me and the feeling of pain I had earlier with my cousin was nothing in comparision to the pain I felt then. I confronted my parents about why they had me circumcised however they told me they didn't have it done which was a small consilation prize as I wanted justice then and there.

For about six months maybe a year I pretended that I was better off or that it didn't matter however in the back of my mind I didn mind a lot it hurt a lot and it caused me a lot of anger and sadness. The trauma grew stronger and as it grew stronger it started to connect itself with the other traumas which made it when I thought about them and relived them I would go and have thoughts about my circumcision trauma and vice versa. Now this sounds painful and it was and still is however there is something that makes this especially painful for me my mind doesn't slow down it just runs nearly full speed ahead all the time leaving very little extra processing for external stimulation so with the traumas eatting up so much of my ability to proccess it made it extremely hard to do school work, and deal with puberty and so on so my grades started going down which caused more stress and caused a feedback loop, which made the stress grow which help me pack on the pounds and the more weight I gained the more stress I got from that which caused another feedback loop.

When I was 15 1/5 I my stress and trauma consumed me so I found myself in a deep depession, from then until I was 17 1/5 I cut myself, beat myself, pushed everyone away, attempted suicide several times which landed me in a mental hospital which only made the depression even worse and all of that was tramatic to some degree. Towards the end of my depression I got to such a low point and I felt so mutilated because of my circumcision that I let myself get into a situation in which I had got raped by a guy I knew which was of course tramatic. All of these traumas of course got absorbed by the collective of traumas I was already dealing with making them worse and they in turn made the new ones worse.

My parents sent me to a group home and while most of my stay was ok I dealt with a staff member from hell, he harassed me for a half a year and I got more traumas from him yelling at me, belittling me, humiliating me, and manipulating me. What made matters worse was I started having a severe and very rare drug reaction to a medication called Geodon, I became incontinent of a night and have extremely weak bladder control during the day time, it kept me up of a night and put me to sleep during the day, of a morning I looked high and I actually got hit up for some drugs, my hands and arms turned inwards so my hands were touching my arm pits constantly, I could hardly hold a fork or a spoon, my tongue stuck out of my mouth all the time, I developed dystonia and lower back became so weak I was permanently bent over to my right side for months which in my opinion caused my scoliosis to form, to sum it up I looked like I had a stroke I got a lot of apathy over it and was even punished because of the drug affects like falling asleep in class.

When I left the group home no new traumas occured and I dealt with the old ones better mailny because my brain was maturing due to puberty coming closer to an end and dealing with them has gotten easier in a lot of ways, however I'm still angry, and sad over being circumcised. One of the things that I still have to deal with is the depression the circumcision causes sometimes they last hours sometimes weeks and they hurt because contrary to popular belief depression doesn't equal deep sadness it equals a depression of the mind and body. One of the things I have been dealing with more so now than ever before is the rage, I will go into them and almost every time I just want to hurt and/or kill the people involved with my circumcision especially the one who actually performed it. Now let me be clear I'm not talking about just thinking oh I wanna hurt and/or kill them almost everyone has those types of thoughts at some point, for me I've thought about how to do I've thought about shooting them, choking them with metal wire, pushing them out of windows, beheading them, amputating the circumciser's penis so he's always horny but has no real way for release and so much more. Now when I'm not angry and enraged all the things I want to do when I am it scares the hell out of me and I live in fear that one day the anger, rage and pain will consume me but instead of plunging me into a deep depression it will drive me to the point of murder and suicide.


Now before you say well maybe you should see a therapist I am seeing a damn good one the problem is until the circumcision trauma is dealt with there is no way in hell I can get rid all of this even with her help and to get rid of it I have to have justice for such a horrific thing being done to me, and a real replacement for what I lost not a substitute.

Last edited by Aspie; June 6th, 2010 at 14:08.
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Old June 6th, 2010
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Joseph Joseph is offline
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

Hey Aspie,

I've mentioned this on other threads before, but have you read the book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew?

I'm not circumcised, but like you, I was sexually abused, and I had to go through a process similar to yours. "Victims No Longer" was the book that started it all for me. I went to a therapist first, but then I found a survivors' group for men, and that really helped a lot.

I'm not sure how far along you are in your healing process, but it sounds as if you're just barely getting it out. I think it's good for you that you've decided to share your story on here.

As if circumcision weren't traumatic enough, you were also continuously abused by other guys. I think it all adds up.

Remember that if in any way you feel like your therapist is belittling you, even dismissing your anger for your abuse and your circumcision, no one is telling you you have to stay with her. You can always move on and find another one.

You always have here too, and you can choose how much to tell us, how much to keep to yourself etc. There might be some things you might only want to tell your therapist, or maybe even write down.

Something that really helped me was to write my story down. "Victims No Longer" advises you to get your story out in as many ways as possible. Find trustworthy friends with whom you can share your story, even parts of your story that you can't share here. Tell your therapist. As for me, I decided to write what I can remember down. It really helped. You might also want a letter to your perpetrator(s). Even if you don't plan on sending them, even if your perpetrators are there, it does give you a sense of closure if you write it out and put it in the mailbox addressed to no one.

I wish you good luck in your healing.

Thank you for sharing your story.
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Old June 6th, 2010
gtabula gtabula is offline
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

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Old June 6th, 2010
Aspie Aspie is offline
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

First of all thank you for your responses.

Now Joseph there has been some confusion my therapist is amazing she treats me like she would a dear friend instead a of a walking, talking paycheck like the other 20 or so therapist I've had. I share my story especially the stuff about circumcision with my friends and if they leave me then I know they were just pretending to be my friends but I only had that happen like once which is great

Now gtabula it wasn't painful to type it out it was just hard because so much is trying to get out all at once and I have to sort through it all.

Now I suppose I am odd in I never felt shame in getting molested or raped I figured why should I feel shame they abused me they should feel shame not me.

I do agree very much so about letting feelings out that's why I advocate so strongly for men/boys who have been mutilated to go empower themselves with such things as advocacy videos and stuff like that it is also why I have like 180 something videos on youtube and a good 40 of them I think are on circumcision.
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Old June 6th, 2010
gtabula gtabula is offline
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

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Old June 6th, 2010
Aspie Aspie is offline
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

I suppose you could call it a positive disposition I really like to look at it as I don't want to be controlled by my abusers, want my freedom so I choose to live free of their chains. The most important choice I made was to completely forgive all of them except those involved in my circumcision and the only reason I can't forgive them is that is the greatest of all my traumas. I want to be very clear forgiveness is not and has never been about the person or people who hurt you, instead forgiveness is about you, it is about your happiness, and your freedom from the pain the suffer that they inflicted upon you. I really suggest that you go and rent Forgiving Dr. Mengele it is about a Jewish woman named Eva who was taken to Auschwitz as a small child, her family was killed except for her sister and they were spared because they were twins and thus they were kept alive for human experimentation. Eva did something quite amazing she chose liberation through forgiveness.
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Old June 6th, 2010
Sogious Sogious is offline
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

Hearing and reading the negative side of foreskin restoration has always been a hard one for me. Reading yours was most difficult, because the same thing happened to me, except I was kicked out of my house for wanting to be an artist instead of a doctor like my parents wanted. Silly. I hope you don't feel less of a man. That stung me being bullied and being part Asian. While size is not a matter for me, bullies certainly wouldn't let me forget. And don't think that I didn't want to hear one's experiences, rather I wish it was just me. I wish I was a minority, a rarity that occurred in this world. I prefer to think that I suffer all of it because I think I can handle it. I've dealt with it before. I make due and compensate in every scenario. But I don't have tough skin and I'm not desensitized by any of it. I wish it wasn't done to you or anyone here. I just wish my parents were an exception, but hearing your story it's a reminder that it's not. Being sexually abused, I wonder if it shaped my sexuality. I prefer men instead of women for it, perhaps. I say homosexuality is a norm, and it is. But the reason behind it lingers and I tell myself that what shapes me, the negative experiences are just as important as the positive, just as the lessons of death are just as important as the lessons in life. Please don't ever hurt yourself, if not for your sake, for ours. That might be hypocritical for me to say, but it should be said. Nothing is your fault. And nothing in your past life constitutes for reasoning of what occurs in this one. We just have to make the best of it.
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Old June 6th, 2010
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

Hey Aspie,

Point well taken on your therapist. I'm just saying. I'm not sure how far along you are in your healing process, so I don't know how many therapists you've been through, and how your current one is treating you.

It's just that I have heard of circumcised guys be told by shrinks that they should just "get over it," and every counseling session was just the shrink trying to convince the guys of the virtues of being circumcised, when that's NOT what they came in for. (Imagine a woman being told of all the good points of being raped.) Furthermore, heaven forbid, but there have also been cases of victims being further abused by their therapists. (!)

You bring up a good point about forgiveness. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive my perpetrator(s), but I have done one thing; I have let go. I've talked about it on another thread, but I have written the one and final letter to my perpetrator, told him how it is I feel, and I put it in the mailbox. I know his address and where he lives, but I just left the envelope blank for him to guess who it was. I sent it to his house, and to his church. SOMEONE will have had to read it. But I told myself, that after that, I'm not seeking revenge, or anything from him any more. It's over. Time to move on with my life. I don't want anything from him; not even an apology. I just wanted to make sure he, or someone close to him, knows what he did. Even if it was just the piece of paper I wrote on.

Sogious, I think I know what you mean. I'll tell you what, I've had serious doubts about my sexuality myself, and I am sure it has every bit to do with my abuse. Sure, I believe some gay people have it in their DNA or whatever, but I also think that some sexualities are made. Mine sure was. But for better or for worse, just as circumcised guys have to learn to live with what they have, I have learned to live with my sexuality. Currently, I'm engaged to girl who, so far, hasn't been grossed out by what I am. She knows I have an affinity for men, she has no problem, and it is not a problem when we are intimate with each other. It USED to be a problem with women in my past, but that's because I hadn't come to accept myself yet.

Something you brought up is actually interesting:

"I wish it was just me. I wish I was a minority, a rarity that occurred in this world."

I suppose that with me, I thought quite the opposite; I thought of myself as a freak. "Who deals with this shit?" I thought to myself. It actually made me feel BETTER that there were other guys going through this, that they have overcome it, because this was proof to me that there is hope, that moving from victim to survivor, to thriver was actually possible.

I think that as more and more men find out that other circumcised men are pissed about what happened to them, they will become open with their feelings.

It is certainly the case with being a male sexual abuse survivor; most men try to hush and keep it botteled inside for a very long time. At 23-24 (I'm 28 now), I was the youngest in my male survivor's group. Most other guys in there were in their late 30s, 40s, and at least one guy was in his 50s. I think more guys hate being circumcised than people care to know. Maybe like you, cut guys suffer in silence and wish, hope they were "the only ones?"
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Old June 6th, 2010
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peterpink peterpink is offline
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joseph View Post
You bring up a good point about forgiveness. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive my perpetrator(s), but I have done one thing; I have let go.
Forgiveness is interesting. I was always told that as a victim, not forgiving the perpetrator would just eat me up. I think I will never forgive what Dr Jennings did to me, but I have put it aside and it does not consume me like it used to. Recently I heard an expert talking on forgiveness who said the true forgiveness cannot happen until the perpetrator offers a full apology saying what he did and how in detail it hurt the victim. It is interesting to read how circumcised men have completely forgiven their parents after the parents have offered a genuine heartfelt apology.
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Old June 6th, 2010
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Default Re: My Circumcision Trauma

The problem with forgiving a circumcisor vs. a child molester that doesn't mutilate is that with the latter, at least it is recognized as inherently wrong and a violation of a child's basic human rights.

I rest at night knowing that even though the damage has been already done to me, at the very least, if the act is discovered by authorities, that it is condenmend, and that the perpetrator, if and when discovered, will be registered as a sex offender.

I think it's harder to forgive someone for something done to you, and that person isn't even expected to face any kind of retribution for what he has done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by peterpink View Post
...true forgiveness cannot happen until the perpetrator offers a full apology saying what he did and how in detail it hurt the victim.
I think this is mistaken. Depending on someone's apology to move on with your life only relinquishes power to the perpetrator. What if the perpetrator is dead?

IMO, "true forgiveness" is unconditional. You either let go of something, or you don't. You don't have to expect anything back. If you expect a pay-back, how is that "forgiveness" and not a grudge?

Then again, as an abuse survivor, and having read up on the subject, different survivors have done different things as part of their healing process, from sending a letter, to actually finding a perpetrator and confronting him/her head on. Sometimes it's just a face to face confrontation, sometimes a victim may want to bring his family and friends along, sometimes the victim may want to bring charges against his perpetrator in court.

It's all up to each and every person to decide what he wants for himself. That person also has to be open to the idea that the perpetrator may not acknowledge his wrong, not even in court. In some cases, he has to be ready for a counter-suit, should his charges be dismissed in court, and his perpetrator actually be that brazen.

IMO, the actions HAPPENED. It is futile to demand any kind of acknowledgement or "apology." The perpetrator needs to be faced with what he has done, first and foremost. Apologies are secondary, and IF it's born from his ass to do want to do it. A victim need not hand over the power to choose whether or not an apology is due to a perpetrator.

I told my perpetrator in my letter: "I'm not writing for an apology, acknowledgement or compensation; I'm writing to TELL you that what YOU did sir, was abuse, and YOU, sir, ARE RESPONSIBLE." How he feels after reading this, I don't give a crap.

Quote:
Originally Posted by peterpink View Post
It is interesting to read how circumcised men have completely forgiven their parents after the parents have offered a genuine heartfelt apology.
As I will always say; for the most part, the majority (not all) of parents only wanted the best and really shouldn't be blamed. The people who should be blamed are the people whose responsibility, whose job, whose obligation, because they are being paid, because they have PhDs hanging in their walls, to KNOW better. Most parents TRUSTED their doctor, and the DOCTOR in an act of double-perpetration, VIOLATED that trust.

I know quite a few parents that would take it all back if they ever could.

There are those that don't and hang on to their pride, and I suppose that's another matter...

But doctors are expected, first and foremost, to practice MEDICINE. Not magical blood rituals, not even if and when requested by parents.

When confronting their parents, I really think angry circumcised men should approach them differently, as they may be barking up the wrong tree, only putting their parents on the defensive, making a nasty outcome a self-fulfilling prophecy...

That's just me though... each victim will have to decide for himself how he wants to view things...
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