Hello, from a supportive (and somewhat furious) wife and mother

[MelsGirl]

Hello everyone

I stumbled across this forum just a few days ago and have read quite a few posts, so I suppose I feel it's time for me to introduce myself and tell you why I'm here.
My husband is circumcised and although I have been adament that no son of mine would ever go through such an ordeal, only in the last few weeks have I realized just how much was taken not just from him, but from both of us and the impact it has on our relationship.
I live in Australia where circumcision is rare, but it has astounded me how widespread this barbaric practice still is in the USA. I am 100% against any type of genital mutilation- I generally try to apply an "as nature intended" attitude to all aspects of my life (she types on her iPhone, lol). It makes me sad that my American husband was mutilated when he was 6 or 7, but only now do I know the full repercussions of it. I was reading an article from an intactivist doctor throughout which he frequently referred to that book "sex as nature intended it" and it was like opening my eyes. Now I know why I get so sore, why no matter how turned on I am I dry out, why my husband is so exhausted after sex, why he can rarely come in me, why he has to work so hard to orgasm, why I can't give him a decent hand job. I know now that there isn't anything wrong with me or him, it's all because of a decision that was made for him, that wasn't anyone elses to make and excuse me, but Im pretty pissed off about it.
He has always claimed to feel like it's no big deal and certainly showed no desire to restore but I showed him the article I read and he was like, "wow... That almost makes me want to restore my foreskin." I was absolutely shocked because I expected him to pick the article apart and tell me why all the points were invalid. But instead, he acknowledged for what I think was the first time ever that he really is missing something. We spoke more later about it and while he is really only doing it because it's what I want, he has agreed to have a go at restoring. I'm really hoping that he will be quickly rewarded and become more committed to it.
I suppose if Im here for advice, it's to know what it is he is going through. He is quite closed off emotionally and while he claims not to have any hard feelings towards anyone for his circ, I'm worried that he is either in denial about it, or that those feelings are still to come. He is not the sort of person who goes through life blaming other people or playing the victim, so I suppose he will deal with this well. But I just don't know. I do know though, that there must be so much more going on behind the exterior and I want to be there for him.
If anyone can offer suggestions, they would be so appreciated.

By the way- I just want to say that I think you're all amazing. The wives, girlfriends, partners, for supporting your men, but mostly the men who are restoring. I think what you're doing is so great and it must take a lot of courage to say that what was done to you was WRONG. You are truly revolutionaries.

Cate

[z726]

It's quite possible he doesn't have feelings about it - I didn't, and only ever got pissed off at the very principle of circumcision, and not what happened to me specifically.

Even if your husband says he's just doing it for you, he'll eventually realize what he's doing for himself. If you'd like to have him come to this site, we can share our experiences and any advice he might want.

[admin]

Originally Posted by MelsGirl

Now I know why I get so sore, why no matter how turned on I am I dry out, why my husband is so exhausted after sex, why he can rarely come in me, why he has to work so hard to orgasm, why I can't give him a decent hand job. I know now that there isn't anything wrong with me or him, it's all because of a decision that was made for him

Welcome and well-put,
-Ron

[Tally]

Welcome! It sounds like your husband has a good wife.

Originally Posted by MelsGirl

I suppose if Im here for advice, it's to know what it is he is going through. He is quite closed off emotionally and while he claims not to have any hard feelings towards anyone for his circ, I'm worried that he is either in denial about it, or that those feelings are still to come. He is not the sort of person who goes through life blaming other people or playing the victim, so I suppose he will deal with this well. But I just don't know. I do know though, that there must be so much more going on behind the exterior and I want to be there for him. Cate

For my whole life I have been emotionally withdrawn and not demonstrative. My first wife thought I was very distant and unemotional. I recall only two occassions as an adult when I cried. All that changed after I had been restoring for a year. For example, now I can watch a movie and it can bring me to tears as I emotionally respond to what I am watching. Not only am I restoring a part of my body that was cut off, I am restoring my life. I may be an extreme case, but the difference in my emotional wellbeing has been tremendous.

How you describe your husband reminds me of how I used to be. I suggest that you give your husband time. If he is like me, he will let you know what is going on when he is ready.

Restoring is a gradual process that takes a while. I would not be surprised if you notice the difference before he does. If so, let him know. It may be that you feel less sore after sex or you did not dry out during sex. If so, let him know. It may be that you notice a difference during sex because of increased skin mobility. Let him know. Getting such feedback is very motivating. It also validates the whole process.

[peterpink]

Welcome. What a great wife you are! Your description of your husband sounds familiar to me. He may or may not be in denial. Some go through a full grieving process, some men do not. Just be aware that when he realizes that circumcision has affected you in your most intimate moments with him, he may become angry. He sounds as though he keeps his emotions inside (I can relate to this). His anger may be outbursts now and again. Just be there to listen to him. Encourage him to talk. Make time to be with him and let him talk so he can sort out his ideas. When I discovered all this at the age of 59, my wife was great and has spent hours helping me work through this.

I suggest taping is a good way to start restoration. Just use a couple of thin medical tape strips to hold the shaft skin over the glans. This allows for urination. Take the tape off at night because of nocturnal erections while asleep. After a week of taping he will be hooked on restoration because it feels so comfortable. There is no abrasion of the glans by clothing.

Best wishes and keep in touch. You will get plenty of support here.

[Terato]

Originally Posted by MelsGirl

I live in Australia where circumcision is rare, but it has astounded me how widespread this barbaric practice still is in the USA.

Got a question -- do you know what the rate of circumcision is and has been in Australia? As I understand it, in past generations, there was more circumcision.

It makes me sad that my American husband was mutilated when he was 6 or 7, but only now do I know the full repercussions of it.

Was just wondering... don't know if you can/want to answer this, but why was he circumcised at that age? Has he ever said?

This is just me, but personally I would think that being cut at that age would be very traumatic. I mean, at any age it's traumatic, but he would maybe remember having a foreskin, remember it being cut off, remember the pain afterwards... poor guy.

I know now that there isn't anything wrong with me or him, it's all because of a decision that was made for him, that wasn't anyone elses to make and excuse me, but Im pretty pissed off about it.

I totally understand... my bf has a lot more foreskin than most cut guys are left with, but that doesn't really make an impact on the depth of my anger towards the bastard who cut him. I think that everyone here can understand your anger and grief.

*hugs* Good luck with you and your man!

[greg_b]

Welcome! Great to ave you here, and if your husband wants to post, he is welcome too of course.

Everyone deals with life differently. For lots of reasons. I never felt like I was harboring deep negative feelings below the surface.

As far as quick results, I can tell you that a month or so after starting, my wife was the first to sit up and notice that intercourse was feeling a lot better. Since then, things just keep getting better. So, based on my experience, I would say you both will likely see quick improvements, and then keep noticing gradual improvements along the way.

Regards

[MelsGirl]

Wow... So many replies, so quickly! Thank you, everyone for your thoughts and contributions.

Tally- he is a lot like that emotionally, but one difference is that he displays emotion at movies, etc. quite easily, not so much in regards to his own life though. Occasionally we both get a bit teared up at something our daughter says or does, but he is very distached with me- he just doesn't open up. For a long time I just assumed that there wasn't much to open up about, but I don't think so anymore. I think there is so much going on that even he doesn't realise. I get the impression he thinks that he doesn't have any reason to be upset about this. I have tried to gently tell him that he has every right to be upset, angry, etc. but he claims not to feel that way at all. But other things he says tell me otherwise- I was saying how ridiculous it is that so many people in the US think it's just weird or freaky to have a foreskin and he said, "well, that's probably how my mum felt."

Sorry, I don't remember who asked, but in regards to his circ- his Mum decided to get it done and as far as I know, it was pretty much because she felt like it. I don't know, when I think about it, it's quite possible she was recommended by a moron pediatrician or something. But he was born in Louisiana and his Dad was very firm that it was not to happen. But his parents divorced because his dad was abusive and a few years later, after they moved to Illinois, that's when it was done. He says they asked him and he said yes- like that makes it okay?!?! That's part of why he doesn't blame anyone- he consented. Anyway, he was given general anesthetic and says he doesn't remember being in much pain.

In regards to Australian stats, I don't know specifics. I think it was in the seventies/eighties when the rate really began to fall. I've only ever been with my husband, but I know from girlfriends that it's about half amongst our male peers. I have two brothers and neither of them are circd- I remember when it was casually mentioned infrong of my mum that DH was circd as a kid and I thought she was going to blow the roof off! But amongst babies now it is very, very uncommon. It is never even brought up by doctors midwives, etc. If you want it, you have to seek it out, there are very few places where they do it and it will cost you an arm and a leg. (not to mention a foreskin). It's so frustrating- if they stopped offering I bet the rates would fall in the states just from that alone. But no- you go to mcdonald's you get asked "would you like fries with that?" you go to hospital and have a baby you get asked "would you like a circumcision with that?" I don't remember where I read
that, but I thought it was very clever and insightful.

Anyway, I guess all I can do is be around, be supportive and hope for the best. We haven't got started yet, but I hope to soon. I'm a little anxious but very excited about it.

Thanks again for the responses!

Cate

[Them Boots]

Welcome to the forums and sorry you had to find us.......

When I first started finding out exactly what I lost by being cut, I had to accept and deal with it a little bite at a time, and spend the rest of the time mostly in denial. Otherwise, it would have been too much to deal with. It's like finding out for the first time that you're adopted, or something similar, people often actively try not to think about it, then accept it gradually.

So, like the others said, give him time. This is no different than the stages of grieving. For some, they must get to the acceptance stage before starting to restore, because the process of dealing with tapes and/or devices on a daily basis is a constant reminder of what happened and what was lost.

[freddys]

Hello MelsGirl,
You are a wonderful wife, so much like my own wife, who passed away recently. We had the same problem, but that was in 1957, when foreskin restoration was not available. I did consult a urologist, who just about made me feel like a fool to even consider surgical restoration. Later on, a thoracic surgeon friend did not try to change my mind. However, he mentioned that he had only seen one case of surgical restoration, and he thought that it was a cosmetic disaster (it looked like an open tube with a dark hairy band). It was only four years ago that I came across non-surgical foreskin restoration. Although my wife's health had considerably deteriorated, she was so supportive that I still continue the tugging.
Early in our marriage, discussing these personal problems allowed us to open up to each other's feelings. I am sure it led to wonderful 53 years together (but don't use this as an excuse for circumcision).
I wish you two as much happiness as my wife and I experienced.
freddys.