Suicidal anhedonia

[Firebird]

Lately I have given thought to plowing my Oldsmobile into one of the enormous Beech trees that line the back-roads around here. I don't even know where to start--I don't see it getting any better.

I am a nurse; in my time working in the L&D floor, I only had the authority to conscientiously object, not to stop procedures. I begged, I educated, I challenged doctors more times than I can count. That powerlessness might be the most disgusting and nauseating feeling to experience. I heard doctors lie to parents daily: "You know, there has never been a single instance where a circumcised man has developed penile cancer" and the like. And this confused me not only because of how wrong they were, but how much they were aware of their wrongness, and maintained it with such conviction. They knew damn well the truth, but chose to mutilate newborns anyway. So am I to believe that as long as there is a dollar to be made from this, or any other mutilative practice, it will continue? It seems to be the case, if one follows the circ trends following the cessation of medicaid funding. If it is the case, then I am not sure I want any more. We have operated under the assumption that doctors did this operation because they were in some way, ignorant of some fact; that if they were themselves educated on the functions of the foreskin, that they would flock to our side. This is not the case.

I have no time for arguments like: "there are worse things than..., or it could be worse, or it's not the worst thing in the world..." I have really examined the last one, and argue that it is one of, if not the, worst thing in the world.

Genital mutilation, and everything that comes with it, just might constitute the worst of the worst. It is a case of everything I love versus everything I hate about humans, about the world. On one side is deception, blind faith, ignorance, religious extremism (Yes, I qualify genital mutilation as extreme), child abuse, in its most disgusting and vile form; on the other side is the alleviation and prevention of suffering, mental and physical, and bodily integrity; that's why I became a nurse.

What circumcision has done to my mind is irreversible. What it has done to my capacity to love, and be loved (as is the case with all child abuse) is permanent. I do everything I can to avoid seeing myself in a mirror; seeing that scar, that disfiguration. I restore, but the result might never be able to alleviate or lessen any of these feelings.

I have been unable to locate it, but I am sure that there is some guideline that warns against posting about suicidal matters. But I am at the end of what I can live with, and I don't know what to do. I know the drill when it comes to dealing with someone contemplating it; I have all the training. I have never felt more alone, more powerless, or more unable to derive pleasure from life, than now.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I don't mean for this to be some alarmist attention grab; I really, really need some new ideas, and not just the psychology textbook answers.

[vicousg42]

im no nurse, ive never personally participated in, or seen an operation done. but i feel pretty much the same way. the more i learn, the more stress and pain i feel. seeing exactly why i am the way that i am, and that there is someone to blame other than myself. so i thought maybe it would be a good thing to spread the word about. aside from on these forums on the internet, very few are listening..

and now the opposing media is accusing all of us of being neo-nazis. my grandad fought against the nazi party in wwii, he put his life on the line to free people from oppression. his uniform hangs in a closet, still. anyone who accuses me of being a nazi can go to hell.

every day, i wonder if its even worth doing anything. might be easier just to give up. they took a big part of my life away from me, and im not going to let them take the rest of it.

there's nothing easy about whats right. stay alive, and organize.

[Firebird]

I noticed the way the Times spun the proposition for the circ ban in CA; accusations of antisemitism rather than acknowledging the premise for the bill. People apparently sit around waiting to be offended by something.

[admin]

Originally Posted by Firebird

I am a nurse; in my time working in the L&D floor, ... I heard doctors lie to parents daily: "You know, there has never been a single instance where a circumcised man has developed penile cancer" and the like.

If it was me I might keep a log/diary of the false things I heard, then go home and look up the debunking article, and bring it in. I guess then you have to decide whether to pesent it to the offender, the victim's family, the heads of OB/GYN, Peds, and Urology, the hospital's ombudsman, or do like a whistle blowing thing with the local newspaper.

I would think a hospital would have a published ethics policy where (officially at least) people were protected from retribution if they brought to light anything that might compromise patient welfare.

[Dasher]

Firebird, it sounds like you are witnessing the dark side of the practice of medicine in a probably typical U.S. hospital.

When the doctors give the parents the pitch for circumcision, it sounds like they are very low key. Persuasive, though, because they are lying through their teeth to the stupid parents who buy every word. The doctors don't even have to try that hard to pitch 'em on circumcision, because the parents are so dumb and trusting. The doctors almost sound benign and matter-of-fact. Except what they are selling is child abuse for pay.

I have also witnessed the low-class version of the doctor's pitch, where the doctor got frustrated when a parent said no, and told me that because I didn't choose to have my son circumcised, I would regret it.

Because of the nature of your post, I am surprised you have not received a cascade of responses from Circumcision Deniers, informing you that circumcision "isn't so bad" -- when you know better -- and listing all kinds of things that are worse, ranging from severed limbs to plane crashes to ptomaine poisoning. I'll be real disappointed if you don't get at least one. It will be clear from their post that your message went over their head.

[Firebird]

Originally Posted by Dasher

Firebird, it sounds like you are witnessing the dark side of the practice of medicine in a probably typical U.S. hospital.

When the doctors give the parents the pitch for circumcision, it sounds like they are very low key. Persuasive, though, because they are lying through their teeth to the stupid parents who buy every word. The doctors don't even have to try that hard to pitch 'em on circumcision, because the parents are so dumb and trusting. The doctors almost sound benign and matter-of-fact. Except what they are selling is child abuse for pay.

I have also witnessed the low-class version of the doctor's pitch, where the doctor got frustrated when a parent said no, and told me that because I didn't choose to have my son circumcised, I would regret it.

Because of the nature of your post, I am surprised you have not received a cascade of responses from Circumcision Deniers, informing you that circumcision "isn't so bad" -- when you know better -- and listing all kinds of things that are worse, ranging from severed limbs to plane crashes to ptomaine poisoning. I'll be real disappointed if you don't get at least one. It will be clear from their post that your message went over their head.

I've stumbled upon that type of thing on this subsection recently. And I think I read through the post that you alluded to. Could a case be made that this part of the forum receive the same precautions given to the progress galleries? When someone posts here, it is as though they are more exposed and vulnerable than in their progress post. If we continue to bear our souls here, would it be a stretch to suggest a little more security?

Again, just a thought.

[MelancholyLogic]

Originally Posted by Firebird

Lately I have given thought to plowing my Oldsmobile into one of the enormous Beech trees that line the back-roads around here. I don't even know where to start--I don't see it getting any better. . .

Firebird, thanks for posting. I think that many of us here can empathize with the types of feelings that you are experiencing. The feeling of helplessness and seeing circumcision for what it really is: a HORRENDOUS form of physical, sexual, and psychological child abuse.

I'm not going to suggest that throwing in the towel so-to-speak isn't an option. To me that's as much of a human rights issue as bodily integrity. However, as was previously suggested, why not use some of your "insider information" of what goes on at the hospital to rock the boat. What have you got to lose? As someone once told Marilyn Milos, "You got fired from your job, too? You must have been doing something right."

Document what you see and hear. Document the lies. Document the abusers. Document the abused. Document the mishaps. Document the cover-ups. Document the revenue generated from the mutilations. Document the destination of the amputated tissue. Document whatever you can. Sure, this information could be passed up to a supervisor or ethics commision. Or, it could be posted on the Internet for the world to see. Expose the disgusting underbelly of the mutilation machine. Again, what have you got to lose?

Finally, thanks for fighting the good fight! I know how extraordinarily draining it can be.

[intact]

Keep up the brave fight. The rate is down from 90% to 40% or something like that. Try to think out of the box about what could stop doctors and obgyns from doing this. Ethics ain't doing it for most.